Comments on: once i had a broken heart. it was awful.

By: Susan

Susan — Thu, 17 Jun 2010 21:33:15 +0000

If the piece helped for a second, I’m glad. I do not blame you one bit for being deluged by tears, especially surrounded by all of his stuff. Hang in there! Take it easy and be very, very kind to yourself, and also to him, as best you can. Please keep in touch. You are not alone.

By: L

Thu, 17 Jun 2010 06:36:30 +0000

Thank you so much for the article, it made me feel better, if only for a second. I had been living with my bf for the past 7 months, and he called it quits via text. Its hard to be in my apartment because all of his stuff is still here. I cant stop crying, and i cant stop thinking about it. I even kinda knew it was coming. We weren’t getting along. we fought all this time. I thought i wasnt in love with him anymore. There wasnt that spark. But here i am, drenched in tears

By: Edel

Edel — Wed, 16 Sep 2009 15:47:20 +0000

Dear All, I broke up 6 months ago with my ex, we were in between moving house at the time and he returned mid moving and just told me he could not do this anymore. He left that day with some of his stuff and never returned for the rest.I later sent them to his Moms via a friend. Two weeks passed and there was little contact except a few text messages, all the while I thought he would come back. After a fortnight I rang him and he told me he no longer loved me and that he had not done for 3 months previous to the break up. We have never spoken since and although I know I deserve better my confidence and my heart are broken. He not only left me broken he also left my son( from a previous relationship) sad and upset. I lost a lot of weight initi
Then just as I began to pick myself up initially I tried to feel loved by meeting others that I normally have no interest in, but alas none of this worked in fact I think I felt worse if anything. would have no inter try to get on with my life my Dad was diagnosed with terminal cancer he died only 7 weeks ago and my e did not even attend the funeral or send a card. I feel I am at the lowest point in my life right now, I know I shall to overcome this and I find comfort in knowing others have also.

By: michelle

michelle — Tue, 11 Mar 2008 23:39:02 +0000

what a beautiful gift to find this web site tonight. to find community of the heart here. i am going through a most difficult, painful breakup of a 15 year relationship. although i was the one who ended it the pain is no less. as mentioned above we cannot change another and so a separation is often better coming sooner rather than later. well i did not get this.
i have tried for a very long time to initiate a change in my husband to accept me and the things in life that i enjoy, and finally have realized that he will not.
for the last few years i was not completely my authentic self in hopes that he would love me enough one day to accept all of me. sad to say the day never came and i knew that i was only hurting myself by staying.
i came to the point that i could no longer be afraid of being without him and had to begin to live my true life.

susan, when i saw the name of your new book i had to find out who you were and that is how i found your site. how fortunate for me and what a remarkable web site….i love it and can’t wait to read more. naturally the i had a broken heart caught my immediate attention.
i think my heart feels broken since to be told by someone that they love you, to me means that they also accept who you are and want your dreams to manifest. now faced with the reality that in fact he does not “accept” who i am, i wonder who was he loving?…certainly not me.
he is a remarkable man in many ways and to have to give him up is so painful. but the pain of not being myself is greater.
what a choice. lately i have felt that i had to chose between him or myself, obviously for many years i chose him. i truly believe that meditating, writing and those practices that we try to do diligently have helped me to be able to take this step, scary and painful as it is. i have learned to accept myself.
susan, i also loved how you wrote how you filled journals so rapidly. my writing as been my ally through this and when i see how much has come out i am at least grateful that i did not have to keep it all inside of me, and also i have gained much insight with my feelings being on paper.
i will try to practice more experiencing the feelings without the story….i already feel a bit relieved that this is indeed possible.
so i know that i will forge ahead and how wonderful to have found this safe and loving place.
it feels strange to click submit as i have never written on the internet before…here goes

By: sandy

sandy — Fri, 14 Dec 2007 05:17:26 +0000

wow….that HARD, julie!!! i certainly do wish you all the best best best LOTS of luck.

i’ve myself have never been able to decide which is harder….being rejected cruelly or caringly….

By: Julie

Julie — Fri, 07 Dec 2007 05:36:58 +0000

It is amazing to me to read parts of Sandy’s email. My mouth was agape all through it. I just thought at times, “Wow, you could be me!” I too have been through so many relationships, being flexible & accepting, loving & forward progressing in a spiritual growth kind of way & been dumped or treated rather cruelly so many times. This most recent breakup however was unique.
I met this great person 7 months ago, he was a practicing Buddhist. We both knew it right away – we were so very much alike in so many ways – we both knew early on that it was truly Love. He treated me better than anyone I have ever been with, with loving kindness most of the time (he is human, after all) and tenderness. And large amounts of Love in general. Things were going so very well until just Sunday last . Aaaaand that’s all folks – I knew he had wanted to become more involved in helping others, which I gladly support – and he had mentioned that he had considered becoming a monastic. Sunday he told me that he wanted to devote his life to the greater good & eventually (not right now) enter the Sangha. And so, rather than split up 10 years down the road after so much together, that it would be easier for us both now. He said he didn’t regret one moment of our time together, & that he loved me very much, that we were really perfectly great together. He said he couldn’t be a monastic & in a relationship (obviously, I suppose). We had become so intensely close; it was truly as though we had found our “soul mate”, however cliched that idea may be. He said he had agonized over the decision. It just killed me. He also specified we have no contact at all, as it would make things more difficult & would drag the pain out longer. I know that he goes on to do great works of kindness for others (to which I now feel excluded, I may add, though as he prays for all beings I am certain I am included in that), and I feel somewhat selfish in that I still want to be there for his own personal life. This one is really, really tough (no break up isn’t tough.) It has only been 4 days. He really has helped me in many ways, including introducing me to more Buddhist teachings & I am grateful for that. I am grateful for his Love. I will always wonder about him, & this pain is pretty big. It is very very hard. Letting go of the one person that has treated you truly well.
Reading this post has been helpful, & who knows, perhaps I can now explore more deeply for myself the teachings. I wish the was some way for me to simply skip all this pain. I dread time alone right now. And of course, reflection is the only thing that will help…right? Wish me LOTS of luck – please…
Namaste; Julie

By: susan

susan — Tue, 04 Dec 2007 14:11:46 +0000

Hi Lindsay. I wish you the best! And I hope Sherry will be back to give us all an update.

Please remember: you are not alone. We’ve ALL been there (or will be someday) and those who make it through become the most loving, caring, powerful people you’d ever want to know.

So hang in there and don’t let any of the ups or downs throw you off–

Keep us posted–

Susan

By: Lindsay

Lindsay — Thu, 29 Nov 2007 23:15:16 +0000

Sherry! I’m in much the same situation. I had a 5 year blissful relationship, no sign of any problems, only talk of buying our first home, marriage, etc..

Suddenly, he decided he needed to “find himself” and broke up with me. I’m trying to be understanding, but our lives were so blended, and it’s so painful. It’s been just over a month, and I find that for every step I take forward, I take a few back.

I was just wondering if we could get another update. How are you coping? Did things ever work out, or did you move on?

Thank you for sharing. It helps so much to know I’m not alone.

By: mk

mk — Tue, 13 Nov 2007 13:54:26 +0000

Well it has been a whole week since my friend followed me to a shopping center and then followed up with an apologetic post and email.
I am not mad. What I want to do is call and engage him on all of his complex thoughts and feelings, to be his marriage counselor. To do so would place me in a morally ambiguous position in my own marriage. I would ineffect be practicing what Trungopa Rinpoche calls “idiot compassion.”
I am doing my best to do nothing.

By: susan

susan — Wed, 07 Nov 2007 22:47:36 +0000

P&L, hello. Many thanks for taking the time to write. I can totally, absolutely relate to the turmoil and confusion that come from loving someone to whom you have no access. It’s so painful.

I think you’re on to something when you say it’s ok not to deny these feelings of love. However, it’s really hard to do this without feeling depressed, which is a form of aggression toward yourself.

One good–great–way to tune into the tremendous amount of love you feel and offer it to the world (because you’re right, we DO need more love in the world) is through a traditional Buddhist practice called Maitri or Lovingkindness meditation. You totally don’t have to be a Buddhist to do it. It’s associated with Buddhism, but really has nothing to do with religion–more with the way your heart naturally works. I encourage you to visit “meditation resources” on this site and try the practice. (I’ve provided audio instruction.) I’ve found (and I know Pema writes about this so clearly and beautifully) that the trick with emotional pain is to open your heart wider. It feels counterintuitive, but it is true. And is best tried with guidance! Maitri provides just this guidance.

If you try it (or if you don’t!) please keep us posted on how you’re doing.