Posts from — January 2008

Yes, I was on Oprah. Two times in late 2003, early 2004. Without fail, when someone hears I’ve been on the show assumptions are made:

1. I must have pulled some wicked strings to get myself on.
2. I am now rich.

If only it were that simple. I’d be spending money like water and jerking those strings whenever coffers began to look bare. But neither of those things happened.

Here’s what did happen.

One day I was sitting at my desk talking to a manufacturer in Hong Kong about paper stock. Sure, I had written a book and it had been out for almost two years, but no one can make a living from one book and so I continued doing my regular job. I was what is called a book packager, someone who dreams up kooky ideas for books + something else (like flash cards or audio components), sells the product to a publisher and then goes out and produces the product, ending by shipping finished goods into their warehouse. (Book packaging is labor-intensive and expensive so most publishers don’t do them in house, they outsource to people like me.) In any case, there I was talking paper stock when the other line rang. My assistant answered it, turned to look at me and said, “the Oprah show is on the other line.” That’s how I got on the show.

On the line was a segment producer, a lovely woman who told me they were thinking of doing a show called “What happens after the wedding” and her internet research came up with my book, “The Hard Questions: 100 Essential Questions to Ask Before You Say ‘I Do.’” We started discussing the book very casually and it took me about 20 minutes to realize this was a pre-interview. The conversation ended with her saying, well if we ever do decide to do a show like this, we might be in touch. This was a Friday. On Monday she called to say they were sending a camera crew to our house (just outside Boston) cause they thought what I had to say was interesting but they already had guests booked for the show so they’d like to include a video interview with me. You never saw anyone go out and buy new curtains, wash floors, window sills, and her own hair so fast. Or so repetitively. So they sent a crew and a hired-gun interviewer (who was off-camera the whole time) and we talked for probably 90 minutes and they shot some b-roll of me and my husband walking down the street and in our backyard, pretending to garden. And then they left and we were all hey where’s the crew, we have more stuff to say!! It’s funny how quickly your ego shoots to the heavens when a crew shows up and how it falls to the ground even faster when they leave. A risk of the profession.

So it aired about a week later. I watched it from a friend’s house with like 5 other people. At each commercial break we’d say, after this commercial! But after each commercial, no Susan. No sage advice from moi. No fake gardening. I was ready to reconcile myself with being left on the cutting room floor when prior to the final segment, they said and now after the commercial join us to hear about a woman who says you should ask some questions before you get married! And there I was. And suddenly, there I wasn’t. The whole thing was over in about 5 minutes.

But then the snowball started its slow descent down the hill. My book, which till then had sold okay, maybe 12 or 15000 copies, started selling more. Publisher got reorders and then more reorders. Of note: there were 3 other authors on the show and this did not happen for their books. Why did it happen for mine? I mean, they were on the show and I wasn’t. I wasn’t sure.

Still, all I could do was go back to my paper stock issues and the like. Until. A few weeks later they called to say that the show had gotten a great response—their audience really liked this topic—and they were going to do a follow up show. This time, they were thinking of inviting me out. They didn’t say, “come out,” mind you. They were thinking about it. A few days later they said can you get on a plane tomorrow? I was getting the idea they knew exactly what they were going to do but told guests at the last minute to minimize freaking out. An excellent strategy.

I can tell you that the Oprah people could be complete jerks and authors would still crawl on their knees to be on the show. But they were absolutely the opposite—thoughtful, patient, kind. They sent a car to pick me up from the airport and put me up in a really nice hotel. A few minutes after I walked into my room the producer called to make sure I was okay and to request I watch a video of the previous show to refresh my memory since this was a follow up. They were messengering the video over. I said I’d call the front desk and ask them to bring up a player. I figured I’d do this after going out to shop for like the zillionth outfit of the week. When I got back up to the room about an hour later, the un-requested player was there, hooked up, the video was in the machine, and the remote was on my pillow. That’s how they roll.

This time there were also going to be other authors on the show—3 including me. For my segment, they had asked several engaged couples to actually ask the questions in the book (basic stuff like “will we keep our money in the same account” and “do we have a religion?) They would be on the show to talk about their experience and I’d be there to nod wisely or something. When I got to the studio the next morning, they sent me to hair and makeup and let me know I’d be seated in the audience. Some authors get on the O couch and some are seated in the audience. Apparently, I was an audience author. I called a friend of mine who is a publicist of the highest caliber (works with the Dalai Lama among others!) and he said it was good cause it would be less nerve wracking for me. Oh, okay I thought to myself. So when the time comes, they seat me in the audience and I watched the first half of the show from there since I wasn’t on till the second half. At the commercial break just prior, the guy with the clipboard comes out and calls, “Susan Piver?” I wave my hand and he walks up to the stage and points to the O couch. Me? I gesture. Yes you, he gestures back. That’s how I found out I was going to be sitting up there with Oprah herself. She’s up there reviewing some notes for our segment, we shake hands, and the lights come back up. That’s how I met her. Our interview began. All I could think of was what one of the other authors had said when we were in makeup—she had been on the show the last time and appeared so calm. How did you do it, I asked. She said she was totally nervous, until Oprah started talking to her and then she felt great. I can say that this was my experience too. I was one giant stomach butterfly until she turned her attention to me and I got it, I’m on a super jet being piloted by the best pilot in the world. All I have to do is keep my seatbelt on and it’s going to be okay. And so it was. She asked me questions, I answered, we chit-chatted back and forth like two girlfriends. The couples then joined us onstage and told their stories—they talked about all the stuff they hadn’t known about each other until they asked these questions. One couple even broke up after asking them. Which was actually okay because better before the wedding than after. It was clear that the O goddess really liked the idea of the book because at one point she held it up along with the other author’s, looked into the camera and said “Don’t get them a toaster. Everyone go out and get these books!” I stole a glance at the other author and we shared a “holy crap, did she just say that?” look, or at least that’s how I interpreted it.

And then I went home. My husband said I spent the next few days walking around the house like hey where are all the mics, I have things of importance to say until I got back to normal.

Not. Because immediately following this appearance, the book completely sold out of every bookstore in the country. I am not kidding. I think I taped on a Tuesday and the second Sunday after, my book was #2 on the NY Times besteller list, on the “How-to, Miscellaneous” list. I had always assumed that was the junk list but it turns out to be the power list. These are the books that sell the most of all books in the country. Diet books, self-help and the like. They had to be separated out of Non-Fiction cause they would solidly dominate that list week after week and no one would ever hear about things like the new John Adams biography or what have you. It stayed there for 9 weeks—at #2, sandwiched between The Zone and The Atkins Diet. Quite a little sandwich. My friend the publicist made me a mug and a t-shirt with the list printed on them.

Suddenly I was a relationships expert, but that’s a whole nother story.

Because the book sold so well, I got to write more books. I didn’t make a zillion dollars but I’ve had the extraordinary good fortune of being able to make my living putting pen to paper.

An interesting note again: the other authors’ books did not become best sellers, debunking the myth that anyone who goes on the show automatically has a best seller. Much as I would have liked to believe it was my good looks and charm that made the difference, I was forced to conclude otherwise. My book was simple (ask these 100 questions before you get married!) while theirs suffered the onus of being authored by actual experts (The Conscious Bride; How Can I Get Through to You: Reconnecting Men and Women). Instead of offering advice, I just told them that I wrote these questions down cause I was petrified of being married and secondarily they became a book. And on the show, I didn’t blab on about how I thought people should act, instead actual humans did the process and showed what it was like. Very important lessons. Simplicity is good. Personal experience trumps professional expertise when it comes to connecting with an audience. Show how it works, don’t talk about why it works.

So I didn’t get rich, but I received (and continue to receive) largesse in many forms. And I didn’t do anything to get on the show. It just happened.

Finally, people always want to know, as I would, what was Oprah like? She was the master pilot and her mastery goes deep. If an organization is the manifestation of whoever is at the helm, then she is professional, kind, and super sharp.

All hail.

As you may  have read, I’m a big fan of the Enneagram. But how do you figure  out which of the nine personality types fits you??

It’s not so easy. It’s not like it’s based on your birthday or year or anything external. You basically just have to figure it out. Here are some places to begin typing yourself:

1. Read whatever you can get your hands on until you realize which type you are (takes a long time)

2. Attend a program or workshop about the Enneagram and consult with a legitimate teacher (takes time and/or money)

3. Take any and all of the free Enneagram tests you can find online and see if a consensus emerges. The problem is, all the tests basically suck. There are just too many ways to interpret something like “I often refrain from acting, as I’m afraid of being overwhelmed.” Plus the tests are all constructed via the filter of the teacher and they all have slightly different takes. There are longer tests, but you have to buy them and I just don’t think it’s worth it. But if you take 5 free Enneagram tests and three times you come up as a 7, that might be a clue. Then if you read about 7s and still feel that it’s accurate, you could become even more confident.

I just went online and took 3 free tests just to see what would happen. I’m very confident that I’ve typed myself accurately as a 4 but one test typed me as a 5 first (4 came in 5th), another typed me as an 8 and a third was accurate.

4. Ask yourself the following questions:
*Do I consider myself a person who primarily runs on instinct, feeling, or reason? (8, 9, 1 are instinct types; 2, 3, 4 are feeling types; 5, 6, 7 are mental types)

*Very, very generally speaking, if I had to choose, do I move energetically toward, against, or away from people?
(Some Enneagram teachers believe that 1, 4, 5 move away from others; 3, 7, 8 move against; 2, 6, 9 move toward.)

So if you’re a head type who moves away, you might be a 5. Or if you were an instinct person who moves away, you could be a 1.

*When things aren’t going well, do I mostly get angry, anxious, or depressed?
(Instinct people get angry; head types become anxious; heart types become depressed.)

5. All of the above. (This is the best option.)

If it’s not too distracting, it can be very fun to try to type people in movies or tv shows. For example, I just say Michael Clayton and I believe George Clooney was playing a 9.

Feel free to ask me any questions you’d like.

Good morning and hello New Year! I’m very excited that you’re here.

This is a magical day. Can you feel it? No matter what else is going on, in some way most people are in a state of contemplation and hope. Yesterday and today are the two days in the year when reflection comes to the fore, and with it a desire to see more deeply into what is. Looking at what is while examining one’s inner state are the ground of magic.

From this magic, from a continual effort to look at what is while examining one’s inner state, clear seeing arises and speaks to you in its mysterious language. I suppose it is the language of art and of spontaneous insight. It can tell you who you are and what you truly seek.

Should resolutions arise from this state, you can take those resolutions to the bank.

I “received” two resolutions, one yesterday and one this morning. On the surface they sound just like ordinary resolutions (one is about where I want to commit my creative energies and the other is about deepening my spiritual practice). But they aren’t ordinary because, unlike past resolutions, they aren’t primarily sparked by guilt or fear. They are simply a recognition of what I already know about myself, but wasn’t quite ready to acknowledge.

So aside from the normal and very important resolutions to quit smoking, get healthy, and so on, there is another class of resolution and these are more about your destiny. They may also contain elements of guilt or fear, but are rooted in something far more elemental. Here is how you can recognize them:

1. They arise spontaneously; you don’t sit down and think of them, they hit you in the face from “nowhere.”

2. They are deeply personal; only you know just what your resolution means, what past joys and sorrows it is rooted in, and what it will mean to aspire to it.

3. Whatever you’re resolving to become (a better _____ or a more accomplished ______), is already true. You don’t have to become that. You are that and now you simply need to reveal this truth to yourself and others.

Most important: don’t assume that you know what your resolution really means. It may point to something you need to accomplish. It may point to something you need to learn. It may point out that what you assumed would be good for you was true. Or false. Hold your resolution as a contemplation rather than a directive.

And pay close enough attention so that you know when to let it go completely.

May all circumstances conspire to turn the wheel of dharma for you. I wish you a year of deep personal realization and all the happiness and peace that come from it.