Posts from — February 2008

Books for a Better Life Awards
“The Awards recognize excellence in self-help, motivational, and self-improvement books in nine categories.”

Unbelievably, “How Not to Be Afraid of Your Own Life” has won best spirituality book of 2007 from Books for a Better Life. It is an annual event sponsored by the National MS Society. This year’s event was hosted by TODAY show co-host Meredith Viera. It’s the only event that recognizes self-help books. There are 9 categories, including Relationships, Finance, etc. Publishers submit books from their list that they think should be nominated and then judges actually read them and choose 5 titles for each category. The winner is also determined by judges.

Which goes to say that although I may heart my book, I never, ever, ever thought it would win because it was in a category with the wondrous Anne Lamott, nominated for her book, “Grace (Eventually).” Anne is one of my very favorite writers and a total role model for me in terms of voice. She writes about the business of being human with an admirable, inspiring combination of sharpness and fragility.

Also nominated in my category was the awesome T.D. Jakes, preacherman extraordinaire. I was throwing down with T.D. Jakes. This was getting very surreal.

But it got surreal-er. Here are some highlights.

(picture taken with my cell phone)

Highlight #1 Some years ago, I purchased my husband a vintage Hamilton watch from the Aaron Faber Gallery. It was in need of repair and so we brought it to NY with us thinking we’d drop it off there. I ran into the owner, Ed Faber, who is very close with one of my best friends, Beth Grossman. My mother was with us. (Both my parents said “we’re coming” when told about the awards ceremony. I didn’t invite them. In fact, I doubt I would have attended if they hadn’t said this!!) Mom told Ed I was up for an award and the ceremony was tonight. He said, well you’ll need some jewelry, won’t you? We’ll lend you something. I wanted to say, no, no, that’s okay, but instead I heard myself go, “Wow, thanks! OK!” What is your dress like, what is the neckline, how dramatic do you want to go are the kinds of questions he asked. I said I want to wear whatever will make people go, “Where did you get that?!” when they gazed upon my jewelry, so I could say “Aaron Faber Gallery of course.” It was totally like being a movie star. Or how I imagine a movie star gets treated. After trying on a lot of very bold necklaces, he showed me a gold and diamond necklace that, I’m not kidding, brought a tear to my eye when I saw it. It was so beautiful. And then he paired it with non-matching gold and diamond earrings. When he told me the necklace cost $54000, my tear-stained eyes almost bugged out of my head. I thought, no way can I do this. Then another voice said, why not? See what it’s like to wear a $54K necklace and see if you can wear it with dignity instead of having it wear you. It may sound silly, but if you ever get such a necklace draped around your décolleté, see if you can stand it without feeling like an unworthy shmo OR an entitled diva. See if you can simply wear it as the beautiful thing that it is. That’s what I tried to do. It was AWESOME.

Highlight #2 I loved my dress. Calypso “Julia” wrap dress. Color: Champagne.

Highlight #3 My dad had left his seat early in the ceremony to stand on the other side of the auditorium. That way he could hear the proceedings out of his good ear. Just before I got up on stage to accept the award, he came barreling out of nowhere to hug and kiss me in front of the whole auditorium. I said, this is my father and the audience went awwwww.

Highlight #nth At this age, I know the value of making my parents proud. In my 20s and 30s, it seemed like a decent thing to do but in my 40s with an 83-year old dad and a 77-year old mom (both aging in amazingly good health, knock wood), it means something altogether different. I thank God, Jah, Buddha whoever is watching out for me for enabling me to give this gift to my parents. This is by far the biggest highlight.

Someone asked me what I said in my little acceptance speech. We were actually encouraged to tell a little story about how the book came to be. Here is the gist:

Gasp, sputter, guffaw, inadvertently cuss and stammer…then thank agent and editor for working so hard on my behalf, parents and husband for being so nice to me even when I was super cranky during the writing process. Then this:

Some years ago, I was lucky enough to attend the first public dialog between the Dalai Lama and top Western scientists who had come together to discuss the nature of mind. It became apparent that we in the West have made enormous strides cataloging and treating negative mind states such as depression, anxiety, psychoses, etc. This is enormously valuable. It became equally apparent that over the last several thousand years, Buddhists have spent their time cataloging and cultivating positive mind states such as wisdom, happiness, and compassion. These teachings have nothing to do with religion and when I found that I had the opportunity to write about them from the point of view of a student, I was so happy. This very same Buddhadharma had helped me when relationships ended, money was short, or my aspirations were thwarted. I had been studying it for over a decade and it totally applied to real life—so I could write about it from the point of view of a student, which I did.

Everyone who has written a book knows what torture it can be. I sat down at my desk many mornings and just burst into tears. Half the time it was because I didn’t know what to say. The other half was in gratitude for being able to devote my precious human birth to the task of understanding the dharma and then trying to communicate it for the benefit of others. It was the best experience of my life.

And my jewelry is from the Aaron Faber Gallery of course!!

Just kidding about that last line.

An interview about The Hard Questions: 100 Essential Questions to Ask Before You Say “I Do”

TODAY 2/16

This talk will be about the 3 poisons (passion, aggression, ignorance) and how easy it is to injest or inject them when it comes to relationships. It’s one thing to be all oh I’m so compassionate and peaceful but it’s another to fall in love without demands or survive a breakup without losing your dignity.

I’ll also touch on the 3 yana approach to relationships. In Buddhism, there are many references to the Hinayana (Foundational Vehicle), Mahayana (Great Vehicle), and Vajrayana (Diamond Vehicle).

To oversimplify vastly, Hinayana practices relate to issues of personal conduct, decency, and basic human ok-ness.

Mahayana practices are about about love, compassion, and the “six paramitas” (transcendent actions): generosity, patience, discipline, exertion, mindfulness, and wisdom.

Vajrayana practices are about working with everyday life as the basis for enlightenment. In other words, whatever happens, good, bad, or ugly, is viewed as the means for waking up completely.

What happens when we apply the principles of the 3 yanas to love, romance, and friendship? That’s what this talk is about.

Sponsored by the wonderful:

Happy Valentine’s Day everyone. Today is supposed to be the most romantic day of the year and I hope it is for each and every one of you. And if you’re thinking of getting married or otherwise settling in to one relationship, congratulations. You are fortunate, brave, and, if you’re like most of us, terrified. Why do so many couples get divorced?!

When I was thinking of getting married (almost 10 years ago now, I cannot believe it), I got really panicky. I mean I loved my boyfriend and everything, but so what. All my divorced friends loved their boyfriends when they got married too. I thought really, really hard about whether or not to go through with it (obviously; I wrote 100 questions before I said yes) and I also reflected about (all) my past failed relationships. And I had a startling realization. None of my past serious relationships failed because we didn’t love each other anymore. It was not a matter of love at all. These relationships failed because one of us (okay, me) didn’t love our life together. We were unable to create a LIFE that we both loved. I was kind of shocked when I thought of this: you mean just because you love someone doesn’t mean you’re going to love your life together?? No one had ever said this.

So I started to write down questions about our life.

Would we keep our money separate or together?

What holidays would he celebrate?

What would his son call me?

How satisfied were we with each other’s level of ambition? (Could be too much, could be too little.)

Where would we live? (At the time we lived in two different cities.)

How long will we live there?

What if one of us wants to stop working?

Will we have kids and if so, when?

Answering these questions proved to be an amazing experience. And believe me, it’s not like we agreed on everything. If fact, we probably agreed, disagreed, and drew a blank in equal measure. But here’s the thing. We loved, loved, loved each other so much when we were done answering the questions. WHETHER OR NOT WE AGREED WITH EACH OTHER. That was key. There is something so endearing, empowering, and–yes–loving about having this kind of conversation together. We felt so close. And let’s face it, romance is going to end. Period and just get over it if you think that’s wrong. But there’s something way, way better than romance: intimacy. Answering these questions was an act of great intimacy and trust. And while romance kind of piffles away at some point, there is absolutely no end to intimacy. It is profound, mysterious, and completely trustworthy. It’s worth a lifetime of commitment. After almost 1o years, I feel this way even more than when we first got married.

For our parents and grandparents, these questions were probably not
necessary. The conventions of marriage were understood. Parents or grandparents were likely of the same religion and the opposite sex. But today all bets are off. So extra effort is required to see through your projections of “the perfect partner” and instead see the perfect partner in front of you, exactly as he or she is. This way, when you say I love you, you’re saying it to an actual human being and not someone you’ve succeeded in casting in the role of bride or groom. When you finally do say “I Do” you will know what you are saying and who you are saying it to. And what is more loving than this?

Our wedding day. My dress had feathers.

A friend asked me how I reconcile myself now (Buddhist, meditation teacher, writer) with who I was then (ass kicking tough girl) and I really don’t think they’re any different. It was so nice of him to ask me that. Here’s what I said to him.

Thank you for asking me how I saw myself then. When I think about it, I think I saw myself much the same as I do now. But the expression then was different than now. The older I get, the more aware I am that my whole life has been about one thing: trying to be as alive as I can, and in that sense to dive into what is painful rather than avoid it. I had nothing to do with this plan. It’s pre-programmed, I’m convinced.

I became a G. A. because I was broke and living in a shitty apt that people would break into to steal drugs from the upstairs neighbors who were crack dealers. I lived alone. I didn’t want to run and hide but I also didn’t want to be stupid. So I gathered that I had to toughen up. Go out on the street and look at what was so scary. Hey, lots of people lived like this. Was I going to let what I was afraid of dictate who I was and where I lived? Hells no. Training to become a G.A. seemed to be smart way to land right on the dot of what I wanted: seeing; not running; trying to shift circumstances in the name of good. If this was what my life was presenting to me, I didn’t want to turn away. This has always been my m.o., for better and worse. I don’t know if you gave much attention to the enneagram (and don’t feel you should, it’s an extremely dense body of knowledge) but I’m a self-preservation 4. The nickname for this type is “reckless/dauntless” which means the fixation of the 4 (sadness and longing) expresses with a kind of kamikaze energy. This fits me to a t. Just as with any personal truth, when I’m aware of it, it acts to protect me. When I am asleep to it, it presents itself as an obstacle. So in my youth there were many obstacles and lots of impassioned actions such as moving out of my parents’ house when I was 16, living out of the country for 3 years as a kid (without them), basically refusing to go to college, becoming a GA, earning my living as a bartender, etc, etc. On the surface these things may have looked like courage or liveliness, but underneath they were in large part an expression of pain, even cowardice. I’m not any less of a safety-seeker than those who attempt to create a risk-free existence. Taking risks has been my effort to create safety. If that makes any sense. Wow, long-winded about moi. Thanks for giving me the chance to say these things.

In any case, whoever you are now, whoever you were then, whoever you will be in the future are all exactly the same. I’m absolutely convinced that your completely unique and profoundly important gifts are given to you at birth and and make their appearance (at least in part) in the guise of neurosis. A great life is one spent in an effort to pierce the veil, to uncover the wisdom in the neurosis. It’s totally, absolutely there, just like a jewel suddenly discovered amidst the dust. (Which is a Buddhist metaphor for the discovery of compassion.) So my life has proceeded in a linear fashion, absolutely. But only given my life’s own internal logic. It’s enormously valuable to uncover your own internal logic.

The Tyra episode I taped (and blogged about) a few months ago will air on Valentine’s Day. The show is called “Will You Marry Me?” My appearance accounts for about 1/2 of 1% of the entire show. Although my hair takes up the entire screen. They really super-poofed my hair.

That’s me in the back, looking ferklempt (not to mention unbelievably matronly) at the real-time marriage proposal.

The dress they put me in came with it’s own cleavage, apparently. My hair and boobage were reminiscent of a 1973 Mrs. America contest. (Can you tell I’m fixated on the way I look and not the deeper meaning of the marriage proposal?! Fie!)

Every day we are faced with countless judgment calls about life’s events: Is this project going well or poorly? Is it better to push or withdraw regarding a conflict with a colleague? Right now, does my child need my loving presence or a stern reminder?

These are very nuanced questions. What is the best way to answer them?

Karen Horney’s directional theory is very useful in this regard. In 1945, this German Freudian psychoanalyst proposed three ways people defend themselves psychically: they either move toward danger to pacify it, against danger to combat it, or away from it to avoid it. Although we employ all three, one of these is usually our default response to what frightens us. (Another is secondary and the third is often our blind spot.)

The twitter board (which I love) is a great place to observe this. Even with all the little cues we use to convey intention (emoticons, asterisks, exclamation points) we still don’t always know what someone means and so react to what we imagine is meant. Some tweets seem designed to combat, some to create closeness, others to deflect.

As mentioned, we each have our preferred style. For example, my style is to move away from people and things I don’t like. I’m a fabulous disappear-er-er. I’d much rather move on than engage or pacify conflict. This is what makes me feel safe. (Remember, we move in the direction we think will bring safety.) On the other hand, my husband finds security in moving against. When we have a terrifying scream-fest (or what he calls a “robust conversation”), he feels that we’re really getting to the heart of the matter, really solving our problems once and for all. I suddenly really, really need to wash my hair. I’ll do anything to get away him. What to do? When I feel his energy moving against me, if I can drop my style and move toward him, I can often provide the sense of connection he’s looking for from a fight, but without the fight. Then we can actually talk about whatever is bothering us.

In addition, beyond personalities, situations seem to move toward, against, or away from us. It can be very helpful to determine the direction of a particular endeavor at any point in time. Negotiations are great for these types of determinations: when trying to push your agenda forward, is it time to fight, befriend, or say nothing?

It can be said that toward, against, and away are the three ways energy itself moves. There is nothing mysterious about this; a proper read of the energy leads to much more effective action. It’s very practical.

So when you have to face a situation or a person, it can be tremendously helpful to ask these three questions:

What direction am I moving in regarding this situation or person?
What direction is it moving in?
In determining my actions (or non-actions), is my decision based solely on my particular style or is it a skillful assessment of the circumstance itself?

Karen Horney. You go girl.

PS The enneagram, of course, utilizes the directional theory

Today is Tibetan New Year. Happy Year of the Earth Mouse!

Satta Massagana

The Abyssinians

So beautiful. Such harmonies. So ridiculously laid back. National anthem of reggae, some say.

I hear that the non-English sounding lyrics (Satta Massagana Ahamlai, for example) are Hebrew. But I speak Hebrew and I don’t understand these words. But what do I know. Jah Rastafari.

08-satta-massagana.mp3