Every day we are faced with countless judgment calls about life’s events: Is this project going well or poorly? Is it better to push or withdraw regarding a conflict with a colleague? Right now, does my child need my loving presence or a stern reminder?

These are very nuanced questions. What is the best way to answer them?

Karen Horney’s directional theory is very useful in this regard. In 1945, this German Freudian psychoanalyst proposed three ways people defend themselves psychically: they either move toward danger to pacify it, against danger to combat it, or away from it to avoid it. Although we employ all three, one of these is usually our default response to what frightens us. (Another is secondary and the third is often our blind spot.)

The twitter board (which I love) is a great place to observe this. Even with all the little cues we use to convey intention (emoticons, asterisks, exclamation points) we still don’t always know what someone means and so react to what we imagine is meant. Some tweets seem designed to combat, some to create closeness, others to deflect.

As mentioned, we each have our preferred style. For example, my style is to move away from people and things I don’t like. I’m a fabulous disappear-er-er. I’d much rather move on than engage or pacify conflict. This is what makes me feel safe. (Remember, we move in the direction we think will bring safety.) On the other hand, my husband finds security in moving against. When we have a terrifying scream-fest (or what he calls a “robust conversation”), he feels that we’re really getting to the heart of the matter, really solving our problems once and for all. I suddenly really, really need to wash my hair. I’ll do anything to get away him. What to do? When I feel his energy moving against me, if I can drop my style and move toward him, I can often provide the sense of connection he’s looking for from a fight, but without the fight. Then we can actually talk about whatever is bothering us.

In addition, beyond personalities, situations seem to move toward, against, or away from us. It can be very helpful to determine the direction of a particular endeavor at any point in time. Negotiations are great for these types of determinations: when trying to push your agenda forward, is it time to fight, befriend, or say nothing?

It can be said that toward, against, and away are the three ways energy itself moves. There is nothing mysterious about this; a proper read of the energy leads to much more effective action. It’s very practical.

So when you have to face a situation or a person, it can be tremendously helpful to ask these three questions:

What direction am I moving in regarding this situation or person?
What direction is it moving in?
In determining my actions (or non-actions), is my decision based solely on my particular style or is it a skillful assessment of the circumstance itself?

Karen Horney. You go girl.

PS The enneagram, of course, utilizes the directional theory