A friend asked me how I reconcile myself now (Buddhist, meditation teacher, writer) with who I was then (ass kicking tough girl) and I really don’t think they’re any different. It was so nice of him to ask me that. Here’s what I said to him.

Thank you for asking me how I saw myself then. When I think about it, I think I saw myself much the same as I do now. But the expression then was different than now. The older I get, the more aware I am that my whole life has been about one thing: trying to be as alive as I can, and in that sense to dive into what is painful rather than avoid it. I had nothing to do with this plan. It’s pre-programmed, I’m convinced.

I became a G. A. because I was broke and living in a shitty apt that people would break into to steal drugs from the upstairs neighbors who were crack dealers. I lived alone. I didn’t want to run and hide but I also didn’t want to be stupid. So I gathered that I had to toughen up. Go out on the street and look at what was so scary. Hey, lots of people lived like this. Was I going to let what I was afraid of dictate who I was and where I lived? Hells no. Training to become a G.A. seemed to be smart way to land right on the dot of what I wanted: seeing; not running; trying to shift circumstances in the name of good. If this was what my life was presenting to me, I didn’t want to turn away. This has always been my m.o., for better and worse. I don’t know if you gave much attention to the enneagram (and don’t feel you should, it’s an extremely dense body of knowledge) but I’m a self-preservation 4. The nickname for this type is “reckless/dauntless” which means the fixation of the 4 (sadness and longing) expresses with a kind of kamikaze energy. This fits me to a t. Just as with any personal truth, when I’m aware of it, it acts to protect me. When I am asleep to it, it presents itself as an obstacle. So in my youth there were many obstacles and lots of impassioned actions such as moving out of my parents’ house when I was 16, living out of the country for 3 years as a kid (without them), basically refusing to go to college, becoming a GA, earning my living as a bartender, etc, etc. On the surface these things may have looked like courage or liveliness, but underneath they were in large part an expression of pain, even cowardice. I’m not any less of a safety-seeker than those who attempt to create a risk-free existence. Taking risks has been my effort to create safety. If that makes any sense. Wow, long-winded about moi. Thanks for giving me the chance to say these things.

In any case, whoever you are now, whoever you were then, whoever you will be in the future are all exactly the same. I’m absolutely convinced that your completely unique and profoundly important gifts are given to you at birth and and make their appearance (at least in part) in the guise of neurosis. A great life is one spent in an effort to pierce the veil, to uncover the wisdom in the neurosis. It’s totally, absolutely there, just like a jewel suddenly discovered amidst the dust. (Which is a Buddhist metaphor for the discovery of compassion.) So my life has proceeded in a linear fashion, absolutely. But only given my life’s own internal logic. It’s enormously valuable to uncover your own internal logic.