As I look back at the past and how we started off in that drama of role-playing each other’s dream girl/guy, and how we’ve fought, parted, reunited, cheated, disappointed, laughed, loved, and forgiven a hundred times over, I want nothing more for it to end! LOL

I want to FEEL something rather than to think that this might be the ‘right’ relationship for me. I want to be with someone for whom I would rather loose everything than be without. I don’t have that.

Just like so many of us, I had that once, but then later, as I came to the Path, realized it was not indeed love, but that firey excitement of feeling a connection for the first time.

Dating since then has been one lesson after another. Amazing young women with amazing potential, but no one who ‘did it’ for me, whatever that means.

Lately, perhaps to assuage my guilt over my current situation and the numerous times I’ve broken it off only to let her back in, I’ve been thinking that it is more about the Relationship between you than you two as individuals.

Even as those following the Dharma, we have to recognize our own responsibility and choices in our lives. We have to acknowledge that learning is not a passive event, like soaking up sun rays. It is an active event – a relationship in itself – like gardening.

We interact with the sun, rain, earth, seeds, etc. We kill plants, we grow weed patches, and once in a while we get a blossom. (God, how hard it is not to look for blossoms!)

Anyway, I digress. I’m seeking in myself the strength to finally leave this relationship, but at the same time feeling afraid that I am making a mistake and throwing something away….

…I am afraid that I am the one who is messed up, and who is messing up this opportunity for love, rather than seeing this opportunity for love as being wonderful yet unfulfilling to my deepest self.

Sorry, that was long and unedited… Susan, if you have any ideas…

Namaste.

Again, my heartfelt thanks to all of you for helping me in this time of (fill in the blank, I don’t have words for it) …

Emm

I was hoping that a 5-week work assignment in China this past summer would help me totally forget about my broken heart, but it seemed to stow away with me on the plane to Beijing. I’ve even thought about moving from here (Virginia, which I love) to make a new start for myself. In this uncertain economy, I’m not sure if moving away and starting over at 43 is a good idea, although the idea does hold some appeal. Leave the memories here in Virginia; move on to create a new life and new memories. Is that too crazy of an idea to consider?

Kat, I read your post back in August. I re-read it many times to try to absorb the layers of profound truth there. I never thought about the reasons that we love someone can also be the reasons it doesn’t work out. Incredible observation.

Richard, I understand the addiction to intensity, which was a substantial part of the attraction to the guy I loved. The relationship was easy- going, calm, low maintainence, yet the inensity of our intellectual exchanges, quiet spirit-filled moments, and our physical passion were nothing like I had ever experienced before. I was 40 years old then, and thought that I had finallly found the perfectly balanced relationship I had always yearned for.

When the ax fell, there were no signs foreboding the end. I was caught completely by surprise, and had not even entertained the idea of this not working out; I had not prepared myself an exit plan as I had done in previous relationships.

I find encouragement in the generosity of the folks who blog here. I have to say just re-reading what I’ve written here, I am not pleased that I continue to re-hash, re-visit, and re-explain this sad part of my life…to the readers of this site or to myself. How do I stop trying to figure this out, and just accept that it’s over because it’s over? Fine. “It’s the laughter we’ll remember,” you know? gag…

I think I just really messed up with the new guy I was dating. He is calm, low maintence, very intelligent, successful…everything I should be attracted to, but that undefinable “it” of attraction just isn’t there. After nearly a year, this new guy, Bob, and I have really become more friends than boyfriends and I am OK with that to a degree. I just wonder how I would feel or react (or repsond) if there hadn’t been Ron in my life first. I think there is a hard-earned lesson of emotional maturity here, if I could only make sense of it and apply it to my life. I still feel that my thinking is fuzzy, and that I am not making the best decisions for myself based on this constant pain.

How can I stop comparing any potential new men to this crazy, unavailable, and emotionally dangerous Ron, whom I can’t seem to get over? My God, it’s been over for 3 years now!

I would be happy to be alone for the rest of my life IF this pain would go away.

Susan, I am REALLY looking forward to your new book!

Thanks to all of you,

Rich
Alexandria, VA

ps. im in la too, if you have any suggestions of new places of study, id love some suggestions. [my emails attached]

If you’re still following this thread, I have a thought to add. I think you cannot separate out your feelings of love for the persons it didn’t work with from the fact that they were unavailable to you. If you fully love them, you have to love that it couldn’t work with them because their personalities also produced the failure of the relationship. As whole people, they embody both the qualities you appreciate as well as the qualities of not being there for you in the way that you wish. These cannot be separated out. And the bigger chore is to love the fantasy of them as well as that they are the person with whom it couldn’t work. I think the excitement of the in love feelings comes very much from the other perosn’s unavailability and the harder thing to do is sit in the calm presence of someone who is available to us. When our feelings of intense desire are not being activated, we have to experience being present. And this is hard to do. It is fun to chase the illusion of in love, but the real test is to appreciate what is before you. If what you have now were to be taken away you would probably feel more in love for it.

Kat
LA, CA

The question “is this helpful” is a wonderful one. I really appreciate you sharing it with everyone.

And Ann’s suggestion of saying “I am aware of sadness” instead of “I am sad” is a huge, huge leap. It gives a sense of fresh air between you and the emotion. You can look at it, understand it, and even feel it more precisely than when you’re awash in it. And this ability to feel is key–otherwise you run the risk of shutting down, which is understandably tempting. But the road to emotional shut-down is the road to despair…

In the Buddhist view, the very first step when confronting difficulty is to make friends with it–meaning get to know it. Let it in. Invite it, even. Then there is the chance of working with it which is always better than fighting or ignoring.

“I am aware that there is great ____.”
“Is this helpful?”

Two wonderful suggestions for working with your mind. Thanks to you both.

Love, Susan

I also heard the wife of the professor who is dying of pancreatic cancer, Randy Pausch, say something on TV recently that gets her thru the tough moments.

When Jai Pausch is about to be overwhelmed by the thoughts of losing her beloved husband, and her mind races with fear, anxiety, and dread, this brave lady asks herself: “Is this helpful?”

I tell myself this EVERY day when I become anxious, lonely, depressed, or fearful, and I have to say that these three words have great power to induce a sense of peace in my heart. I then ask my spirit to provide me with helpful, healing words and feelings to replace the negative. It works!

Just thought I’d pass this along to the blog.

May we all continue to help each other find understanding, peace and healing. I look forward to your next book on this topic, Susan!

Rich
Alexandria, VA