What Christine wrote is both incredibly tragic and also uplifting. It sounds so simple, and I hope someday I can experience that. I started reading this blog because I am in a relationship with a man I never thought I would have been with. I have tried at least in theory to not hold to tight to expectations of what I want or expect in a partner, knowing that in theory it doesn’t work.

I worry now that perhaps I stayed with this man for 3 + years only BECAUSE he was so different than what I would have chosen for myself. Now, I am questioning if this has been a huge mistake, or if my fear and attachment are causing me to doubt what may be perfectly fine. Am I suddenly looking to this relationship to provide me with more than it is fair to? Or is it truly lacking something that I have been ignoring…

I am questioning many things right now in my life, knowing I am not happy and trying to separate my truth from circumstances. I don’t want to make this relationship, or any other single aspect of my life a scapegoat for not feeling happy. I know that true happiness is an internal search (or non-search, since my inner truth is supposed to be right here…) but my question is that in the mean time, while I am trying to sort out where the source of my feelings of unhappiness are coming from, and how to find and accept the truth of myself, I fear I am leading this man on who loves me dearly because I don’t know if what i feel for him is enough to make this work. Once I figure out what “my problem” is so to speak, how do I tell what is still “our problem”? will things with him will feel different, or does it matter? Do I need to wait for enlightenment to know what to do about this relationship?

As Christine said “if you don’t want to be happy with the person you are with, you won’t”. Does that mean we can be happy with anyone we choose? I am not searching for tumultuous passion,…we have a calm life, we are very tender, there are good things here.. But common interest, views, – is that so wrong to want? This man and I have so little in common that I wonder if in 10 years (or even 2) we will be staring blankly at a wall with nothing to say. Yet something has kept it going for over three years. I can’t tell which one of these feelings is the one to act on

We are to recognize the difference between “I feel unhappiness right now”, and “I am unhappy” but does that mean we are to disregard the feeling as an indicator of what we should do? Feelings are not to be ignored, right? Just acknowledged for what they are… so what ARE they, and how do we use them to make decisions?
Clearly I have not discovered my inner truth and happiness or maybe this would all be more obvious. But even if you are at peace with yourself you still have to translate that elusive truth into daily decisions: Which job do I want, where do I want to live, what characteristics in a partner- beyond love – are needed to sustain over time? How do you know? I am not talking about looking to any one of these to PROVIDE happiness, but surely these choices are not made in a vacuum. Can we choose any stranger off the street, and, if we are content enough with ourselves, somehow make a lasting partnership with them? Is that the ultimate goal of enlightenment?

In an earlier post, Celia wrote:

“Maybe MY fulfillment wasn’t so important. If this man loved me, maybe it was enough to attempt to make one person other than myself happy. Maybe he would be a good partner on the path of my life. Perhaps, together, we might benefit the world. How important is love, really?

There is something that rings very true to this, and something that tastes self indulgent. I too am much more inclined to suffer silently than to cause it for others, and this is the kind of thinking that elevates that behavior. But if my boyfriend knew I was thinking our relationship, about him, in this vein it would hurt him terribly. Who am I to decide for that he doesn’t deserve equal love in return? I don’t know if these thought are me trying to talk myself into, or out of this relationship, and this is where I hoped Buddhism would direct me. How does learning to let go of expectations, attachments, and fear tell me what I want? Who to love? What love is? And what will work? I can ignore the assumptions I have about what I thought I wanted, and make this relationship work but how do I know it’s worth it? Following Buddhism, I should eliminate those assumptions anyway, but should I be in a relationship that feels like it needs so much sacrifice to work?

We treat “Love” as if it is in a separate category from the other emotions we are supposed to detach from. But is it just another attachment or emotion? Should we distinguish between “I am in love” and I am “feeling love right now”.

In these posts love is spoken about as if it transcends the search for self – not one of the things we are to discard, but a truth we can refer to. Maybe it’s my-self doubt but It seems to me that everyone here speaks so assuredly about love. They know for a fact when it’s present and when it’s not. Does that mean there is something wrong with me because I can’t tell if what I’m feeling is love? I really just don’t know. It’s like trying to shine a light on a shadow to inspect it more closely.

This is fear, I’m afraid to hurt him and I don’t know if the right thing is to wait more, sit more, let something reveal itself to me, or do I owe it to him to cut this off? Are these doubts actually my inner self directing me, or my superficial self being afraid? I feel equally afraid to act on either instinct, and I know that I must find a way to let go of that fear, but in the mean time I have a terribly confused and hurt boyfriend and no answers for him. Enlightenment is not his thing nor is searching for inner truth. He is a very what-you-see-is-what-you-get man, and I don’t know what to say to him.

I can’t live my life in disconnection of others, holding them at arms’ length so I won’t get burned. It can’t be possible that true love means only giving from a place of not needing anything–how do you get to the state of not needing when you’ve been starved your whole life since infancy? How do you develop the capacity to give true love (and not need it in return) when nobody ever gave you the template, no one ever showed you what it is, or why it’s even good in the first place?

How can it be any good to live life one-way, only giving? Why can babies die from lack of affection if it’s true that attachment is a delusion?

I’ll jump straight to the bottom line: in my opinion, relationships only work when you’ve realized that the only way to love someone is to help them out of delusion. And delusion is attachment to ANYTHING. Including you.

It may seem stark to say that. But if you really understand emptiness and all of its implications, then I think it’s clearly the only choice.

It may seem like an incredibly lonely life that results from this insight, but in my opinion, it’s the only path to liberation. Anything else amounts to attachment to something, which is a delusion. Besides, how can you be lonely, when you don’t exist, and the only thing that really exists is the peace of enlightenment?

We are caught up in this current of existence and unable to fathom how the mind operates on our selves and succumb to endless suffering. We need to accept the realities of life, one small step at a time and cultivate to let-go of the most beloved things in our lives as they are subject to impermance, suffering, decay and change. It is hard at first, but as you develop endurance and patience (though mindfulness) it will eventually give the strength to remain clam and have insight despite our loses.

In Buddha’s time a lady by the name Kisa Gotami lived in India. She was named Kisa because she was skinny and tall. But she had inner beauty. One fine day a rich merchant fell in love with her and married her. But her in-laws did not like her because she was unattractive, poor and was from a lower cast than her in-laws. Nonetheless, she gave birth to a beautiful son and she was finally accepted by her in-laws. The boy grew for few years joyfully, one day, suddenly fell ill and passed away. That day Kisa Gotami knew she lost everything, love and acceptance by her husband’s family. There was nothing for her to go back to, she refused to accept the death of this child, carried him around from house to house and told everyone the child is sick and would like to have some medicine; She became tired, distressed and driven by madness just happen to run to the temple Buddha was preaching at the time.

Buddha, knew he couldn’t preach Dhamma (truth) to a person in such a distressed state, instead he promised her that he would give life to the child if she brings a handful of mustard seeds from a house that no one has ever died. She ran from house to house with the child, seeking mustard seeds, but eventually she came to understand that there was not a single house where no body has died. She realised the true nature of existence buried the little child, went to Buddha, clamed her mind, reflected upon the true nature of suffering; contemplated upon the nature of the flame of a lamp in her room and seeing the comparison between the constantly changing and burning nature of that flame and the burning desires within ourselves reached insightfulness to the truth. We are very much like that flame, our desires are the fuel (oil) keeping us (flame) ticking from this minute to the next .

Now compare this story to our situation and see that our loss is not so bad compared to Kisa Gotami’s loss. In this present moment, due to the intensity of your recent feelings, it is overwhelming but with time it will become a distant memory and lose its intensity. Don’t dwell in it, don’t go on thinking about it because mind will lead you to extreme distress. Move on, understand this is mind phenomena and that you are taken for a ride by its trickery, and don’t get trapped in it.

Go and lead your normal life, go for walks, be generous, help others, take the experience as a positive thing, learn from it, it will make you a stronger person. That is the lesson we take from it and make this life a journey of learning. One day you will all come out of it as nothing is permanent in this existence.

Next time you get involved in what ever relationship be mindful of the way things operate and be prepared to accept reality, which Buddha called Sati. It is the gateway to insight and will show you how mind phenomena works within yourself. You will be fascinated to find out how these things work on you. Have a glass of water, take a deep breath, smile, you will be all right my friend. I fully understand you, With Compassion and Love, Amali.