Comments on: Talking about Buddhism and Heartbreak (in our living room)

By: Susan

Susan — Fri, 11 Feb 2011 14:16:03 +0000

Melissa, I’m so glad to hear you are better, making progress. Your fears are totally understandable, but the are also merely thoughts. When it comes to really, really difficult thoughts like these, I turn to Byron Katie’s work (her book “Loving What Is” is fantastic). She suggests you ask yourself 4 questions and then do a “turn around.”

Consider your thought. Ask:
1. Is it true?
2. Can I be absolutely, positively certain that it is true?
3. How do I feel when I think this thought?
4. Who would I be without this thought?
5. The turnaround: Could another version of this thought be equally as plausible? i.e. “People have not died alone and miserable” or “People have died alone, but not miserable” or “People have not been alone when they died, but were still miserable.” You get the idea.

Try it and see what you think. And get her book! Highly recommended. All best to you. Love, S

By: Melissa

Melissa — Fri, 11 Feb 2011 03:24:49 +0000

Hello Susan! I am better. The pain is real. Its almost tangible. I have been seeing a therapist and i believe i am making progress. My fears are that i will never find someone who will treat me that well, who will love my daughter, and who will be as patient as he was with me. Optimists tend to say things like “YOu will find better” my thoughts are “There’s a chance i will not” or “People have died alone and miserable”. The pain is like an onion Susan. Thank you for your love. I

By: Susan

Susan — Mon, 24 Jan 2011 22:48:48 +0000

Melissa! How are you now? Sending love–

By: Melissa

Melissa — Wed, 29 Dec 2010 03:21:43 +0000

thank you for this… everytime you say “allows freshness and openess…” i melt. the last few months have been saturated with tears and pain. i hate to go through something this earth shattering and not learn. im sure i wont. i will never forget the wails of agony in the middle of the night, the dreams taken hostage by his memory, the inability to focus… everyone ive spoken too has recovered from this. i am no exception! make haste recovery.

By: M

Mon, 06 Jul 2009 18:55:21 +0000

Lilly – I am going thru the same feelings right now. I have hurt someone deeply, and am agonizing over the pain I have caused.

By: lilly

lilly — Sun, 07 Dec 2008 01:16:46 +0000

How does one end a relationship — knowing it will break the heart of the one they are leaving? And if that person refuses to accept your leaving, how does one help them to accept it- lovingly? How involved should the leaver be in helping the one they are leaving? It is very painful for me to leave and easy at times to succumb to the offer of love I know I cannot reciprocate in kind. I try to be firm. I explain. I am sorry. I cry with them. I question myself. I get mad. I feel guilt. I get rebellious. I breathe. I try. I fail. I try again. I am not sure… I am heartbroken myself. Who doesn’t want to feel sure of a love and to embrace it and know? Of course I do! But if, as much as I love, it is not THE love, I must go. And the process begins… I can barely think anymore.

By: Miah

Miah — Thu, 04 Dec 2008 20:03:50 +0000

thanks for this

By: leona

leona — Thu, 11 Sep 2008 21:14:23 +0000

Susan,
thanks for sharing your insight and moment of grace. it reminds me of when i was living through “a broken heart” and i would make a couple of requests of myself each day to explore healing and presence. these were
*what can i be grateful for today? simple gratitudes such as the sunny weather, catching the green light when driving, noticing the dewdrop on a leaf, being able to get out of bed and meditate for just a few minutes, my family etc etc
*taking my attention “off” my thinking about my pain – extending the time each day. First day a couple of seconds, second day seconds and so on until eventually i had created a pathway of being where i was instead of in my head creating pain.
*getting closer to my needs rather than closer to my strategies; by this i mean when i could feel the pain welling inside i would get closer to it -”oh, i am really needing connection right now (not i am really needing him right now). now, with this i started to realise i could find connection all kinds of ways and i loosened my grasping to “one” strategy for getting that connection.
* finally, i did practical things; no sad love songs, strong music supporting self, physical exercise, sticking with my meditation practice even though it was chaotic in my head, making sure i made arrangements to the outside world: friends, courses, volunteering etc.

it’s not that one avoids a broken heart, its that it gets a perspective – a place in our life -but is not our life or who we are. something like that. it is an opportunity or calling for exploration rather than a tragedy “done to us”. For me, it was about shifting my locus of control back to me.