How to be Fearless: The Four Kinds of Friendliness

At its core, fear is a profound shutting down, a closing of the heart. When we experience fear, we want it to go away as quickly as possible because it’s just so damn uncomfortable. I’m not saying there isn’t a lot to be afraid of. I mean we can all freak out about money without too much thought these days. But even if you’re sitting on a pile of cash, everyone is till afraid of things like getting their heart broken or failing to achieve certain goals. However, the quickest antidote to fear is also the most counter-intuitive: to turn towards it.

In Buddhist thought, there are four ways to do this. They are called The Four Immeasurables:

Lovingkindness
Compassion
Sympathetic Joy (my personal favorite)
Equanimity

These could be considered antidotes to fear because instead of making you feel powerless, besieged, and threatened, employing any of these four actions lead to a sense of power, stability, and a sense of being unconquerable. We’ll look at each one in turn.

Loving-kindness
Loving-kindness is viewed as a practice, not an emotion. Through this practice, you can feel kindness toward anyone, under any circumstance, without acting like a saint or giving in all the time. Loving-kindness doesn’t mean acting nice even when you really, really don’t feel like it. It means holding your attention in the present moment without turning away. Then you can act appropriately. Sometimes the most loving thing is to offer the hand of friendship. Sometimes it’s to run away. Sometimes it’s to put your foot down–you just don’t know unless you’re paying attention. The first step in paying attention is to soften your opinions and judgments so you can actually see what’s going on. Instead of fighting whatever frightens you, you try to make friends with it. This is always a better choice.

This practice explains how to do this.

During the practice, you offer unconditional friendship, to yourself, to a loved one, to a friend, to a stranger, to an enemy, and finally to all beings. You call each one to mind and then wish these things for him or her:

May you be happy.
May you be healthy.
May you be peaceful.
May you live with ease.

It is very important to begin the practice by offering loving-kindness to yourself. You do this by picturing yourself in your mind’s eye. Think about how hard you work for happiness. Allow yourself to feel the strength of your own efforts. Sometimes people are tempted to skip this step because it can seem awkward at first to wish yourself well in this simple way. It can feel a little sacrilegious as if you’re being a narcissist or something. But it’s beneficial to practice simple acceptance of yourself and your wish to be happy. You can then begin to feel compassion for yourself. The Buddha said, “You can search throughout the entire universe for someone who is more deserving of your love and affection than you are yourself, and that person is not to be found anywhere. You yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe, deserve your love and affection.”

From this basis of loving-kindness toward self, move on to a loved one. You can choose your spouse, a child, or a pet. You don’t have to work to generate love for this being, you simply think of him or her and love is there. If no one makes you feel this way, you can imagine an admirable character from a book or movie. When you think of this being, acknowledge how hard he or she tries to be happy, and that you wish them this happiness completely.

The person you choose as friend can be anyone who has shown kindness to you. It could be your best girlfriend, a teacher you had in 4th grade, or a doctor who took care of you. This person too wants to be happy, and you can wish this for him or her.

A stranger is someone about whom you have no feelings, positive or negative, such as the supermarket cashier or a person you sat next to on the bus. You may not know this person at all, but you can be certain he or she too is trying to find happiness. Although you may not have a sense for this person’s efforts toward achieving happiness, you have the ability to wish him or her well simply because they, like you and your loved one, have joys and sorrows, and are struggling in their own way.

Then choose an enemy, someone who has hurt or angered you. It doesn’t have to be the worst person you’ve ever known, although it could be. Pick someone with whom you’ve argued or who has disappointed or caused trouble for you. If there is no one like this in your life, you can choose a historical or fictional person who you find hateful. Bring this person’s face to mind, just as you did with the others, understanding that he or she just wants to be happy, too. See if you can connect with this understanding and from this place wish for his or her happiness, health, peace, and love. It’s no problem to do this for a loved one, but by the time you work yourself down to whomever you’ve visualized as an enemy (his ex-wife, a backstabbing colleague, a politician; someone you really detest), it can become challenging to offer happiness. But it can be extremely healing to offer happiness to someone you ordinarily wish ill—even just learning that doing so is possible is very inspiring.

Finally, offer your good wishes and tenderheartedness to all beings. Everyone, every single person, is trying to be happy, to find warmth, to get enough to eat, to create a home, and to protect those who are dependent on him or her. Animals, insects, and birds also exhibit these behaviors; all beings do. You can take them into your heart and wish them well.

If you try this practice when you are feeling your most fearful, I guarantee it will leave you feeling way, way calmed down. Love is definitely the answer to fear.

Here are condensed practice instructions:

Click here for guided audio instruction.

Click here for Part Two of this series, on Compassion.