Posts from — May 2009

Yesterday–OK. Today–have got it into my head that I have to forgo all responsibilities until I completely clean up and organize my office. This happens occasionally. Hours are spent in finding the perfect inbox, organizer, software, whatever. Sometimes it really helps, even if only for a few days. And it’s not like my office doesn’t need help. Gaze upon this:

So I’m going to spend the day really getting organized, from top to bottom. For real. (And also journal, meditate, and eat healthy. And get the title for my new car transfered to my name. And get a hair cut. Yikes. This is hard.)

My inspiration.

(A killer series from UK paper The Guardian on writer’s rooms.)

Will post “after” pic.

click on image to read entire article.

Wherein everything fell apart, came back together, and looked somewhat different.

OK. Yesterday was pretty OK. I did everything on my “I must do these things every day ” list. Except one thing: journaling. I felt awful about that. It was just day 2!! However. Yesterday was also the deadline for completing all the revisions on the copy edited version of the MS for my new book, The Wisdom of a Broken Heart. Which is a big deal. The deadline is the deadline. It had to come first and there was nothing in second place.

BTW, the steps for getting a book into production are: 1. Write the book (without much input from editor; this is normal, not a diss) 2. Send the book (which is considered the rough draft) to the editor. 3. Get back her comments, which could be extensive or not. 4. Revise and return, which could be a nightmare. Or not. In this case, not. 5. Editor passes it along to a copy editor, who edits line by line for grammar, typos, consistency, etc. They usually have a bunch of questions along the lines of “did you mean to say ‘nerve wracking’ which means destroy or ‘nerve racking’ which means torture?” 6. Get copy edited manuscript back, check over all copy editor corrections, clarifications, and questions. This is the last chance to do any substantial rewrites. 7. Send back to publisher. 8. Author receives a galley, or a copy of the book as it will be designed and laid out in its final form. 9. Last, last, LAST chance to make any slight, teeny changes (i.e. change a word here or there). 10. Book is published.

Yesterday was my deadline for step 6. The very last chance to make any significant changes. Getting through this stage is like really, really reaching the point of completion. It’s like the house is built to specifications but before you move in , you could change the drawer pulls on the kitchen cabinets or something. But no more moving walls around or anything like that. So, as of yesterday, the book is DONE. The reason I go into all this detail on that topic is because the moment I dropped it in Fedex, two things happened:

1. I felt a tremendous rush of energy and relief and also exhaustion. (I hadn’t anticipated this.)
2. I wanted some snacks and treats. (I could have predicted this.)

Today began with a lot of bargaining with myself. “Hey! You just finished writing a book! Take a load off! Hang out, eat cupcakes, give yourself a break. You don’t have to stick with your schedule today. You deserve a rest!” But another part of me was going, “What about the Great Discipline Experiment? What about all those vows you made lo these many THREE DAYS ago?”Also, the check engine light in my (old) car came on and since I’m trying to sell it and had the chance to bring it in for service this morning, I took it, throwing off my whole schedule. To top it off, Duncan and I had a mini-fight last night before we went to sleep so I didn’t get a great rest.

Blah, blah, is this incredibly boring and silly? I keep thinking it is. I also kept thinking, if I was a stand-up person, a commited person, a person fated for greatness, I would so not let this stuff get in the way. However, when I checked inside, I had no energy. None. So this morning, I went off the rails, meaning I didn’t stick to my schedule. Also, I was exhausted so I drank a cup of coffee.

So, today has been The Great Shame and Disappointment Experiment. At least for a few hours. Then a few things happened:

1. I jiggered my schedule to put the things I missed back on, but at different times. I managed to journal. I remembered that I’m giving a talk tonight at the Shambhala Center and will get to practice meditation there before the talk. So even though it’s not my regular practice, it is definitely meditation practice. I am doing some writing. (This is it.) I did do some study–I prepared for my talk by reading Sakyong Mipham’s Ruling Your World, Chapter 14, “The Confidence of Delight in Helping Others.” (The talk is based on this chapter.) So: Meditation, check. Journaling: check. Writing: check. Study: check. (Attempting to benefit sentient beings: check.) Perfect dietary discipline: X. OK,  so that’s not too terrible.

2. I remembered that I wrote a book called How Not to Be Afraid of Your Own Life and it has a chapter on discipline for goodness sake. In it, I said that discipline is not about being all willful and strict–it is simply the ability to come back. Period. I forgot that I knew this. Then I remembered, and did it.

3. I remembered what I’d been taught about taking the 5 precepts, which are what you commit to when you formally become a Buddhist (not stealing, killing, lying, being sexually inappropriate, drinking/drugging.) But you don’t just take the precepts once, you can take them everyday. It’s like there’s a 24-hour clock on the precepts and when you take them, the commitment is for that time period. If you think you’re going to reneg on one of them (like you know you’re going to have sex with someone you shouldn’t or you’re going to have a cocktail with dinner), you can sort of return that precept. (Of course you never want to return it when it comes to taking life…but even that is not so clear cut. What if your house is infested with termites and you must have them exterminated or else the house will come crashing down? You would have to return that precept for the day.) So it’s enormously freeing to think that whatever you swear you want to do, you only have to swear to do it for a 24-hour period, and you can return what you’ve sworn to if you need to. So today I “gave back” my vow to abstain from certain foods that I know are bad for me. But tomorrow I’ll reinstate it.

So Day 3 has been a bit of a ride, but I felt better once I let go of shaming myself, being super strict, and, most important, figured out how I was still going to honor as many of the commitments I could in some way I had not imagined when the day began. I.E., I didn’t give up, even though I almost did.

Onward.

It’s 6A and I’m heading to yoga class because I SAID I WOULD DO THIS.

Day 1 went well. Got a lot done and felt very cheerful. Thankful for support and encouragement from you all! Very, very helpful. A little scared of Day 2. Don’t want to blow it. One day at a time.

I hate it. I already completely  hate it.

However. I’m doing it. I’m making a very concerted effort to do all the things I want/know I should do and avoid all the things I don’t want/know I shouldn’t do. For example:

Things I Want to Do Every Day (in addition to regular stuff like answering emails, keeping up with administrative work, doing laundry, petting the cats, etc)
Journal.
Write every day at the same time.
Practice meditation (daily).
Study some aspect of the dharma (daily).
Exercise (3x per week).
Be incredibly organized; write everything down.
Drink water (at least 1 liter per day).
Take vitamins (it’s ridiculous how much I hate doing this).

Things I Want to NOT Do Every Day
Caffeine
Sugar
Wheat
Be lazy.
Watch TV excessively.
Play word games on my iPhone. For several hours at a pop. (Fie on Wordle…)
Have headaches/medicate for headaches.
Spend too much $$.

OK. There it is. That doesn’t sound crazy, right? Still, I struggle every single day with these things, making bargains with myself, slacking off, ramping up, beating myself up, feeling smug, on and on in an endless, ridiculous cycle. Hey!! Times a-wasting! I’m not getting any younger. If I want to do all the things I long to, order must be instituted. I command it.

Some things I’ve noticed already, even though it’s only 11A on Day One
IT SUCKS!! Also, it’s hard. I have absolutely no idea why.

Yet it also makes me very, very cheerful every time I complete a task.

I keep wanting to give myself treats like snacks or TV every time I finish a task. What’s up with that?!

I’m tempted to ridicule myself for trying this. Little irritating voices keep saying things like “who do you think you are” and “your life isn’t important enough to warrant this kind of seriousness.” What a bunch of BS. Effective, but BS nonetheless.

It’s all about precision: not just saying I want to do x and y and z, but actually scheduling a time to do x and y and z on my calendar. AND THEN DOING X AND Y AND Z at the appointed time. It takes forethought. This is the most significant pre-requisite for being organized.

OK, I’m going to be late for my next appointment with myself if I don’t stop writing, right now. Have already journaled, meditated, studied, and done some writing. Next: proofing MS for upcoming book which is due back at the publisher on Wednesday. So I have today and tomorrow, until the last fedex pickup…

If you want to help me, you can. You can shout encouragement and/or try to take your life seriously and report back.

My journals are full of stuff like this:

Yesterday:
What do I have to do to be organized? Disciplined about my spiritual practice? Writing? Health? I have so many aspirations. Why do I have to fight myself every step of the way to get things done? I am so unbelievably off track. Let’s see, if I get up at 5AM and meditate for an hour, then go to a 630 yoga class, I can be back at my desk by 9, write until noon, take a break, and then do other desk stuff until 6 or so. That makes sense! I can do that!

Today:
I overslept. Tried to regroup. Decided not to meditate and get to a yoga class instead. I feel like crap about that. The cats are shredding the couch. Must get that double-sided tape they hate and tape entire sectional. Carol is coming to visit for the weekend. Got to think of some stuff to do. Flying to CA day after tomorrow. Dry cleaning!! I’ll try to get back to schedule tomorrow. No, next week. After I’m back from CA.

And on and on. Add nauseum. LOTS of nauseum. In a last ditch effort, I’m going to conduct an experiment. The Discipline Experiment. Not forever, just for a month. 5/25/09-6/29/09. Just one month. I’ll give it all I’ve got. I’ll look at every day and schedule in all the stuff I want to do: meditate, write, take care of my body, take care of those I love, honor all my commitments, especially those I’ve made to myself which somehow seem to be the ones to go first. (WHY?!) If at the end of the month, I’m a frazzled heap of skin and bones, I’ll stop. My fantasy is that I’ll feel great, fabulous, on top of the world. On top of my own life. We’ll see…

The great organizational mastermind, David Allen, the GTD Guy, says that stress comes from breaking your commitments to yourself. Dude. I’m going to keep those commitments. I have a plan… Stay tuned…

Susan Piver is an ideal guide for anyone suffering from a broken heart.  Spiritually deep, funny and utterly practical, she reveals how this near universal experience can become a gateway to living and loving more fully. Tara Brach, author of Radical Acceptance

Susan Piver’s book makes the mending of a broken heart into a transformative journey, guiding us toward reclaiming our center and entering into the sacred space of forgiveness. Allyson and Alex Grey, Visionary Artists

Straight to the heart and from the heart, Susan Piver is the your best friend and wisest guide. The Wisdom of a Broken Heart is a roadmap for how to deal with all the feelings of loss, disappointment, and betrayal.  Clear, accessible, this book is for everyone. Buy it or suffer the wrath of Josh.  Josh Baran, author of The Tao of Now (and one of my very best friends who told me to definitely take out that last line. But I love it too much.)

Wow. The Wisdom of a Broken Heart is getting the most gratifying endorsements. I’m thrilled. No, beyond thrilled…

“I wish I had this book to comfort and inspire me during my divorce. Susan’s writing soothes at the same time it illuminates – reading this book, my heart grew three sizes bigger. I have never read anything more helpful or wise about heartbreak. You may find yourself laughing out loud; you will certainly find yourself feeling hope again.” Jennifer Louden, author of The Woman’s Comfort Book and The Life Organizer

“Susan Piver’s new book helps turn the pain of a breakup into a deeper understanding of intimacy. She shows you how relate to your broken heart with consciousness and acceptance to find comfort, clarity, and balance, even when they seem impossible. After reading this book, you’ll know beyond a doubt that you can love again, bigger and better than ever before.” Gay Hendricks, Ph.D., Author of The Big Leap, co-author, with Dr. Kathlyn Hendricks, of Conscious Loving

“Susan Piver understands body-wrenching, gut-busting, brain-whacking heartbreak like no one else. Even better, she writes about the power of romantic devastation with such immediacy and truthfulness that, when she offers the necessary tools for recovery and transcendence, you believe her utterly. I’d follow her advice anywhere!” Belleruth Naparstek LISW, Author of Invisible Heroes: Survivors of Trauma and How They Heal and creator of the Health Journeys guided imagery audio series.

“The body has an innate ability to recover from injury, and so does the heart. Through spiritual insights and practices, Susan Piver’s new book walks you through the healing process.” Andrew Weil, M.D.

“Piver has managed to perform an extraordinary task, namely, inspire a person to want to love again. She knows how to repair the shattered soul, using her personal experience as well as the wisdom of great saints, poets, and cultural elders.” Caroline Myss, author of Anatomy of the Spirit and Entering the Castle

“This is a wonderful book. Full of wisdom, humanity and humor. And it abounds with helpful exercises to turn pain into wisdom. It is helpful even if you are not (right now) sick with disappointment, betrayal or heartache.” Natalie Goldberg, author of Old Friend from Far Away and Writing Down the Bones