Great Discipline Experiment: Day 3

Wherein everything fell apart, came back together, and looked somewhat different.

OK. Yesterday was pretty OK. I did everything on my “I must do these things every day ” list. Except one thing: journaling. I felt awful about that. It was just day 2!! However. Yesterday was also the deadline for completing all the revisions on the copy edited version of the MS for my new book, The Wisdom of a Broken Heart. Which is a big deal. The deadline is the deadline. It had to come first and there was nothing in second place.

BTW, the steps for getting a book into production are: 1. Write the book (without much input from editor; this is normal, not a diss) 2. Send the book (which is considered the rough draft) to the editor. 3. Get back her comments, which could be extensive or not. 4. Revise and return, which could be a nightmare. Or not. In this case, not. 5. Editor passes it along to a copy editor, who edits line by line for grammar, typos, consistency, etc. They usually have a bunch of questions along the lines of “did you mean to say ‘nerve wracking’ which means destroy or ‘nerve racking’ which means torture?” 6. Get copy edited manuscript back, check over all copy editor corrections, clarifications, and questions. This is the last chance to do any substantial rewrites. 7. Send back to publisher. 8. Author receives a galley, or a copy of the book as it will be designed and laid out in its final form. 9. Last, last, LAST chance to make any slight, teeny changes (i.e. change a word here or there). 10. Book is published.

Yesterday was my deadline for step 6. The very last chance to make any significant changes. Getting through this stage is like really, really reaching the point of completion. It’s like the house is built to specifications but before you move in , you could change the drawer pulls on the kitchen cabinets or something. But no more moving walls around or anything like that. So, as of yesterday, the book is DONE. The reason I go into all this detail on that topic is because the moment I dropped it in Fedex, two things happened:

1. I felt a tremendous rush of energy and relief and also exhaustion. (I hadn’t anticipated this.)
2. I wanted some snacks and treats. (I could have predicted this.)

Today began with a lot of bargaining with myself. “Hey! You just finished writing a book! Take a load off! Hang out, eat cupcakes, give yourself a break. You don’t have to stick with your schedule today. You deserve a rest!” But another part of me was going, “What about the Great Discipline Experiment? What about all those vows you made lo these many THREE DAYS ago?”Also, the check engine light in my (old) car came on and since I’m trying to sell it and had the chance to bring it in for service this morning, I took it, throwing off my whole schedule. To top it off, Duncan and I had a mini-fight last night before we went to sleep so I didn’t get a great rest.

Blah, blah, is this incredibly boring and silly? I keep thinking it is. I also kept thinking, if I was a stand-up person, a commited person, a person fated for greatness, I would so not let this stuff get in the way. However, when I checked inside, I had no energy. None. So this morning, I went off the rails, meaning I didn’t stick to my schedule. Also, I was exhausted so I drank a cup of coffee.

So, today has been The Great Shame and Disappointment Experiment. At least for a few hours. Then a few things happened:

1. I jiggered my schedule to put the things I missed back on, but at different times. I managed to journal. I remembered that I’m giving a talk tonight at the Shambhala Center and will get to practice meditation there before the talk. So even though it’s not my regular practice, it is definitely meditation practice. I am doing some writing. (This is it.) I did do some study–I prepared for my talk by reading Sakyong Mipham’s Ruling Your World, Chapter 14, “The Confidence of Delight in Helping Others.” (The talk is based on this chapter.) So: Meditation, check. Journaling: check. Writing: check. Study: check. (Attempting to benefit sentient beings: check.) Perfect dietary discipline: X. OK,  so that’s not too terrible.

2. I remembered that I wrote a book called How Not to Be Afraid of Your Own Life and it has a chapter on discipline for goodness sake. In it, I said that discipline is not about being all willful and strict–it is simply the ability to come back. Period. I forgot that I knew this. Then I remembered, and did it.

3. I remembered what I’d been taught about taking the 5 precepts, which are what you commit to when you formally become a Buddhist (not stealing, killing, lying, being sexually inappropriate, drinking/drugging.) But you don’t just take the precepts once, you can take them everyday. It’s like there’s a 24-hour clock on the precepts and when you take them, the commitment is for that time period. If you think you’re going to reneg on one of them (like you know you’re going to have sex with someone you shouldn’t or you’re going to have a cocktail with dinner), you can sort of return that precept. (Of course you never want to return it when it comes to taking life…but even that is not so clear cut. What if your house is infested with termites and you must have them exterminated or else the house will come crashing down? You would have to return that precept for the day.) So it’s enormously freeing to think that whatever you swear you want to do, you only have to swear to do it for a 24-hour period, and you can return what you’ve sworn to if you need to. So today I “gave back” my vow to abstain from certain foods that I know are bad for me. But tomorrow I’ll reinstate it.

So Day 3 has been a bit of a ride, but I felt better once I let go of shaming myself, being super strict, and, most important, figured out how I was still going to honor as many of the commitments I could in some way I had not imagined when the day began. I.E., I didn’t give up, even though I almost did.

Onward.