Buddhism and Relationships: 3 Stages to Heal a Broken Heart
(handy for working with strong emotions in general)
Nothing feels worse than a broken heart, the kind you get when someone you love ends the relationship. Feelings of shame, remorse, grief, rage, and terror can overwhelm even the most heretofore stable human being. Heartbreak has the power to reframe a workable life as a disaster.
Surprisingly, Buddhism has a tremendous amount of helpful advice for working with these terrible girl/boy-loses-boy/girl emotions. It takes an approach that is quite different than the usual advice books, which basically fall into one of two categories:
The first category is called “You Go Girl!!” (Sorry guys, all the books are aimed at women.) This kind of book suggests that you need to up the cocktails:sobbing ratio, that if you go out with your friends who all tell you that you were just too awesome for him/her, get a cute outfit and a new ‘do, and cry on as many shoulders as possible, you can dance your troubles away.
I don’t think this is bad advice. Hey! You are awesome! You can look super hot! You have great friends who remind you how to have fun! This is all cool. It won’t, however, do much to alleviate the pain, beyond stuffing it for a few hours.
The second category is called “There is something very, very wrong with you and you made this happen.” This is the kind of book that says you brought this heartbreak on yourself by carrying forward unhealed wounds from childhood or, god forbid, by thinking the wrong thoughts. I kind of hate this. Of course it’s really, really important to heal your wounds and to examine your thoughts to see if they might be sabotaging you—but when the intention for doing so is to avoid pain rather than increase your capacity to love, it is unlikely to heal you. This kind of advice is often out to convince you that you can create a safe world for yourself and that you can make love safe.
Love can never be made safe. It is the opposite of safe. The moment you try to make it safe, it ceases to be love. I realize this is a bummer, but think about it. Love is predicated on receptivity, on opening up again and again and again to your beloved, each time afresh. To do this, you have to let go of insisting that he or she conform to your standards for what a lover should look like, do, be, say, and instead allow him or her to simply be him or herself. Then you take it from there. To do otherwise, to continually choose who you wish this person was over who he or she actually is, is, well, it’s not love. I don’t know what it is. (Of course none of this stands to reason should any form of emotional or physical abuse be present. At this point you can forget everything I just said and protect yourself.)
Most often, the efforts to heal a broken heart center around putting it behind you and recreating the illusion of safety. Buddhism counsels something else, something best said by the American Buddhist nun, Pema Chodron: “Feel the feelings. Drop the story.” That is the pith advice and it means turning toward what you feel, not away. It means letting the feelings be just what they are without trying to explain them, shore your self up, or excuse or blame anyone. This is called being a warrior. The more you allow feelings to burn clean in this way, the less confusion you create.
I have three suggestions for figuring out how to accomplish this very mysterious feat of feeling without attaching a narrative as to what it might, could, should, or dare not mean.
1. Develop a non-judgmental relationship with your mind. This is best done through the practice of meditation, instruction here. When you’re under the sway of strong emotion, you come into contact with a state of being that I like to call Insane Obsessive Thinking. If only, I should have, what I really meant was, how dare she, I am a loser, you are a loser, love stinks… On and on and on. It’s really quite painful. Without addressing a mind run amuck, the chances of skillfully working with your feelings is kind of limited. So I suggest introducing a note of discipline to your everyday life, beginning today. Spend some time everyday, not squashing your icky thoughts and promoting your good ones, but simply watching your mind in a relaxed way—no matter how wild it gets, you can remain steady. This is what meditation teaches you how to do.
The mind of heartbreak is like a wild horse. You can’t just jump on and except to ride. It will throw you again and again. So instead you hang around for a while until a sense of trust develops. Meditation teaches you how to do this, too.
2. Stabilize your heart in the open state. When you regain some sense of dominion in your own mind, naturally your attention will turn toward that raging, screaming, 24/7 searing thing in the middle of your chest—your heart.
One way to look at heartbreak is as love unbound from an object. Freed, it careens and ricochets and crashes into walls. Your capacity and longing for love is enormous and when you lose it, this is what you discover. You had no idea you could feel this raw, vulnerable, open…and it’s the openness that is so precious.
Buddhism does not counsel closing back up, not at all. Instead, in recognition that this openness is the ground of loving kindness, compassion, and the ability to connect deeply, it suggests you leave it broken and seek to stabilize it in the open state. Yes, leave it broken. The way to do this and not walk around sobbing all the time is through the practice of Loving Kindness meditation, which you can find here. In this way, you begin to shift your search for love a tiny bit, away from “I want to find someone to love me” and toward “I want to find a way to give love.” With this slight transition, the whole world changes.
When most people say they are looking for love, what they means is they are looking for someone to love them, and then they will return it. But you can turn this equation on its head entirely and have love in your life every single day by choosing to give it. This, by the way—giving love to others—is the secret, guaranteed, no fail way to heal your broken heart. Try it.
3. View your whole life as path. With a sense of clarity in your mind and stability in your heart, the third stage becomes something altogether different. There is no practice associated with this one. With mental clarity and emotional stability comes the ability to see your entire life as path. You have created the foundation for an entirely authentic life, one full of joy and sorrow, meetings and partings, giving and taking, and deep meaning. The dark power of heartbreak has led you there.
With this openness, you see that your life is telling a story. I have no idea what it is and you may not either. But trust me, your life has a life of its own and the violence of heartbreak has the power to shatter all illusions about who you thought you were and reintroduce you instead to who you already know you are. This is an extremely powerful situation.
With a broken heart, you see how vast your longing for love is and how impossible it is to make love safe. It’s just not possible. So what do you do with these two truths? This is your path. No one can tell you how to reconcile them. The place to begin is by paying attention, by cultivating agenda-less awareness of yourself, others, and of the flow of life. When you do so, you start to notice that every single day, you are continuously cycling in and out of moments of falling in love and having your heart broken. Both are always present, shifting toward you and away, each one a tiny lesson on how to be fully alive.
Pass it on.
(And please comment! I love to hear what you are thinking and feeling.)
44 comments
New blog post/newsletter: Buddhism & Relationships: 3 Stages to Heal a Broken Heart http://bit.ly/9dStFL
RT @spiver: New blog post/newsletter: Buddhism & Relationships: 3 Stages to Heal a Broken Heart http://bit.ly/9dStFL
RT @HiroBoga: RT @spiver: New blog post/newsletter: Buddhism & Relationships: 3 Stages to Heal a Broken Heart http://bit.ly/9dStFL
Susan
You have no idea how much I needed to read this today – certainly my life is taking care of me by guiding me here now. Thank you. I’m listening to your lesson on lovingkindness with tears streaming down my cheeks. Thank you.
Lindsey, I’m so glad the post came at the right time. I really hope the loving kindness practice will serve you. Keep me posted…
RT @spiver: New blog post/newsletter: Buddhism & Relationships: 3 Stages to Heal a Broken Heart http://bit.ly/9dStFL
Social comments and analytics for this post…
This post was mentioned on Twitter by spiver: New blog post/newsletter: Buddhism & Relationships: 3 Stages to Heal a Broken Heart http://bit.ly/9dStFL…
raw, vulnerable, open … thank you, @spiver, i needed this today: http://bit.ly/b1fnXZ
So much of what you write brings sense of my own recent dealings of a broken heart. Thank you for helping me embrace my own understanding on this matter. It makes me feel less alone and moving in the right direction.
Title talks about healing a broken heart, but @spiver's post speaks profoundly about love, feelings and being open http://bit.ly/bA2hEC
Wonderful post Susan – Pema’s teachings arrived in my life in a moment in which I had no choice but to keep company with my own broken heart (I was stuck in a secure compound in Afghanistan, there were no cute outfits or cocktail bars to distract me) and I learned then the wisdom of a broken heart.
I’m so thrilled to have found your writings and teachings as well.
Thank you.
Marianne
Oh, PS: I’ve been teaching the metta meditation to my yoga students all week because we are practicing a heart-opening (anahata chakra) sequence and it always reminds me of the extraordinary healing that practice first brought me in Afghanistan and continues to bring me today.
with metta
[...] a tweet today from @HHG I came across a blog post from author Susan Piver on Buddhism and Relationships: 3 Stages to Heal a Broken Heart. I was taken by the post not because I am currently experiencing a broken heart, but because her [...]
After your program, I was confused how you talked about the self healing and not liking it. Currently following this path, I was not sure how to take it. Reading over that part here fits it in perfectly, if it is about opening, it is welcome at that perspective. It can not help avoid the pain, I am the working proof there.
Thank you, Namaste,
Collin
Susan
Like Lindsey, I too needed toread this today. Your summary at the beginning about what it feels like to endure a broken heart is like you were living my life at this exact moment. Knowing that others feel the EXACT same feelings as I feel now makes me feel understood and hopeful that I can move past this as you and many others have. I’ m not sure yet how to take the steps you speak of but I’m hopeful that I will learn how and move past this.
Thank you so much,
Amy
Amy, I’m so happy you found your way to this post. It can be a tremendous relief and inspiration to know that others feel what you do. You are not alone. And millions upon millions of people have moved passed their sorrow and transformed it into wisdom. Please stay in touch and let me know how I can support you. I really mean it!! xo Susan
http://tinyurl.com/24edvbl
Buddhism and Relationships: 3 Stages to Heal a Broken Heart | Susan Piver
(WWW.SUSANPIVER.COM)
[...] newsletter from Buddhist writer Susan Piver struck me between the eyes last week. Although I’ve [...]
Buddhism and Relationships: 3 Stages to Heal a Broken Heart – http://www.susanpiver.com/wordpress/2010/04/28/3-stages/ thx @spiver
Susan,
Last weekend I found your book at Barnes and Noble, and after sitting in a corner of the store reading it, I knew I had the right book for me. It has been a source of comfort this week, and it has helped ‘normalize’ all of the intense feelings I have been experiencing these past weeks. Thank you for writing the book, for sharing your own story, for your wonderful sense of humor, and your wisdom….oh, and thanks for reminding me to get my meditation practice going again. I KNOW that that is key to quieting this mind that can sometimes tell me things that I know are not the truth!
Namaste,
Lisa
Dear Susan,
I read your book last week and it was so consoling for my broken heart. I was forced into this relationship three years ago and both of us absolutely had no right to have this relationship. Yes, you can call it an affair but trust me, it is much more than that. It will take me pages and pages to explain everything. But the bottomline is now he is gone. He says that I kept complaining about how wrong it is and so he decided to let me go!!! We both are totally from different continent, different race, different ethnicity, different background etc. etc. Now I am devastated, I miss him so much, my heart is aching and all the people around me are asking why I look so tired and stressed out. Gosh, I cannot share my experience with anyone as this was not meant to be a normal relationship. I have an excellent husband and two lovely grownup kids. I read your book, understood it but not able to follow. Please help.
Thank you for your article – it’s absolutely perfect for me and I cannot wait to begin meditating and using your words as a guide.
Deniz, I’m so glad you’re finding some helpful stuff in this article. Please keep me posted on your meditation practice.
I’m writing a (free) ebook on creating a meditation practice–it has some helpful tips, obstacles to look out for, suggestions for when your inspiration fails, and so on. Please check back!
Kay, I feel you, I really do. Just because your relationship was “wrong” doesn’t mean the heartache isn’t as real and merited as any other kind of heartache. In fact, there are additional difficulties–it’s harder to grieve a secret relationship than one that is out in the open. As you say, you can’t share the experience with anyone.
Please know that you have my support and prayers for your healing. Try to remember that, underneath all the pain, your heart is actually indestructible. If you can’t follow the suggestions in my book, don’t worry about it. Just imagine that you can. That is a good start.
Keep me/us posted.
Emily and Marianne, thanks so much for letting me hear your thoughts on this post. It means a lot to know that we’ve connected! Wishing you love, love, love, Susan
Collin, thanks so much for this feedback and for continuing to refine your understanding of your own mind. I appreciate you for the willingness to look within, which takes so much courage! Susan
Collin { 04.30.10 at 12:03 pm }
After your program, I was confused how you talked about the self healing and not liking it. Currently following this path, I was not sure how to take it. Reading over that part here fits it in perfectly, if it is about opening, it is welcome at that perspective. It can not help avoid the pain, I am the working proof there.
Thank you, Namaste,
Collin
Lisa, hi and thanks so much for being in touch. I am so happy to hear that my book brought some comfort. I hope you are continuing to perk up (I know it can be a roller coaster…) and that you are taking refuge in your meditation practice. It is the best possible refuge!
Would love to hear how you’re doing–
xo Susan
Lisa { 05.09.10 at 3:00 pm }
Susan,
Last weekend I found your book at Barnes and Noble, and after sitting in a corner of the store reading it, I knew I had the right book for me. It has been a source of comfort this week, and it has helped ‘normalize’ all of the intense feelings I have been experiencing these past weeks. Thank you for writing the book, for sharing your own story, for your wonderful sense of humor, and your wisdom….oh, and thanks for reminding me to get my meditation practice going again. I KNOW that that is key to quieting this mind that can sometimes tell me things that I know are not the truth!
Namaste,
Lisa
Hello Susan. I deeply cherish your words, for they have helped me to understand so many things. But still I feel at a loss. I have been seeing this man for the last couple of years, we met about 2 years ago, and we fell head avoer heels in love, but our relationship was very physical back then and after 7 months, he broke it off. I was devastated. I had tought he might be “the one” for me. Then we began seeing each other casually, again it was more physical than anything at firsg, but we both began studing buddish and zen and meditation, and it really made me see all the things that I was doing wrong and that I had done wrong. I learned to love myself first and foremost. 3 months ago we got back together again for real, and we started off just great, we meditated, we talked, we had plans for the future, and somehow something happened in the last month or so, and we began having troubles. Today he said I had dissapointed him, for not remembering one of the things we had learned together when we where not a real couple. And I actually dissapointed myself too. I feel sad and dissapointed. I guess that would qualify as heartbreak. I don’t know what I am going to do. I have thought of asking for time apart, to be more involved in my own meditation and learning. I just don’t know what is going to happen, but that is just the way love is. I love him. But I love me more and I don’t know how to reconcile that. Thank you for your wonderfull words.
Marissa, hello and thank you so much for being in touch. Relationships are so complex! I wonder if you two are able to work through your disappointments and, in any case, how it is going. Please keep me posted and know that I (and anyone who read this) will certainly wish you the best. xo Susan
I’ve been enjoying reading and experiencing some of the insights of The Wisdom of Brocken Heart. I have had my heart broken while in a relationship, and I am still in it. Maybe it seems juvenile but my partner was very very close and attracted to another woman and she also felt this way. While he didn’t want to leave me and doesn’t cheat on me the situation makes me feel insufficient. I’ve thought endlessly about this and I don’t want to cadge him, but I don’t like feeling that the way he throws himself into relationships with women means that sooner or later he will find someone with whom he can’t fight the sexual tension and excitement. I’m just wondering has anyone else experience this sort of situation? Can there be boundaries in a man-woman friendships other than not having sex with another person? I know a little flirting is harmless, but what about when you turn that flirtiness into a friendship, will there always be something more and is that just the way we are? All thoughts are very welcome.
Sana
Hi Sana. Sorry it took me a while to acknowledge your comment, but I got very behind. Apologies!!
It is so, so, so painful to experience even the smallest hint of mistrust in your partner. If he or she is a flirt, it can make you constantly on edge. Of course it could all be harmless, too.
The most painful part, or at least it has been for me, is that I feel like I’ve given up jurisdiction over my own mind when I’m jealous. I can’t control my thoughts or feelings. This is where the practice of meditation can come in so handy. It doesn’t solve all your problems per se, but it gives you a kind of mental stability that enables you to deal with it all better. If you want to try it, I have instruction on my site.
http://susanpiver.com/meditation_resources.htm#meditation
In any case, please do keep in touch and forgive me for being slow to respond.
I wish you love in all things!!
Hello Susan,
Thank you so much for this article and especially for the recording of “Loving kindness for the one who broke your heart”. I have recently come out of my first very serious relationship unexpectedly and it was a very beautiful way to meditate, and was exactly what I needed. I feel so much more centered and focused now, and much more peaceful. Thank you.
Eleanor
Eleanor, you are very welcome. I appreciate you for trying this practice. Keep me posted if you feel so moved! Susan
Bless you for your wise and lovings words ~*~
You are welcome, denise! xo S
It definitely is challenging to realize that mostly one is scared of the open vulnerbility in oneself that is exposed when you are betrayed by a loved one.
I know I want to stay open and vulnerable, because without those two, there is no way to give love, but lord, how it hurts right now, to know
that I’ve lost the relationship, but not the love I have for this man….
The loving kindness meditation is bringing all sorts of strong emotions to the front. I hope as I continue to do it I might get to a place of peace and calmness, someday.
Thank you for putting up these posts. It’s refreshing to see a viewpoint where heartbreak is dealt with compassion, not by fueling antagonism, or negativity.
I cannot wait for the day when I can be a happier better person, coming out of this emotional trauma.
Thank you so much Susan! I like your down to earth approach to dealing with heartbreak and your clear wisdom in outlining the various aspects. It’s wonderful that you are providing a road map to this most universal and profoundly challenging experience replete with it’s tremendous potential for awakening. By the way, I am a member of the Fort Collins Shambhala Center and noticed you are teaching a workshop up at SMC soon. It also sounds very interesting! Would love to attend one of your workshops sometime. Thanks again!
Dear Susan,
After the earth-shaking shock of my recent breakup, I read, reread, and am continuing to extract clarity from your Wisdom of the Broken Heart (at the suggestion of a dear friend, who happens to be a comrade-in-heartbreak). It has been just over two months since my relationship ended, and for the past couple weeks I have been “seeing” someone – someone who goes to the same university as me, and with whom I feel an inexplicable connection. Oddly enough, traversing the turbulent waters of a new love affair is, in some ways, more consistently heartbreaking than the breakup itself. I am very much riding the waves of heartbreak within love, and I am trying to find a way to remain open to the insane vulnerability of this new situation. It is intensely scary and exciting (especially because this current situation would have been unimaginable two months ago). Your writings are teaching me how to cultivate fearlessness, and for that I am tremendously grateful.
metta,
Stephanie
I am grateful to know you, Stephanie.
Stephanie, what you describe–the heartbreak that comes with new love–sounds so human and real. It IS so vulnerable. You are already fearless if you ask me, but I’m thrilled to hear that my book can offer additional support. Wishing you all the blessings of love!! Susan
Susan,
Thank you so much for taking the time to write this. It actually made me cry a little haha! But in a good way – the way that says, yes, you’re right. Everything will be fine, but I can’t just push everything away and ignore it like I have been doing. I just have to teach myself to heal properly, and good things will happen when I least expect them. Here goes…starting over at Step 1!
Thanks again,
Jess
Thanks for reading, Jess!
Susan,
My name is Sahar and currently I’m living in Buenos Aires, Argentina. I came here to live out one of my life dreams of living abroad….and here I am, 3 months into my little dream life, crying and suffering from a heartbreak. I’ve tried everything to get over what I thought was the love of my life. I finally realized today that something needs to change, and it is my approach on letting him go. I’m so glad that your link was the first to come up on google when I did my search…it’s exactly what I needed to read right at this moment.
Sahar, hello. So happy that you found something helpful in these words. I wish you an easy journey. S.