Posts from — July 2010

Hiro Boga, Jennifer Louden, Mahala Mazerov, and I have taken it upon ourselves to write on the same topic, and publish our work on the same day. This is the second time we’ve done this; the first time, our topic was writing. Today, it is home. Click on their names to read their lovely pieces. It is an honor to co-create with them!

When I was a little girl, I used to hide under my desk with a blanket and a book, pulling in the chair to erect an unseen gate, hoping against hope to go unnoticed for as long as it might take me to think my thoughts. (One day I heard a cough and realized that my brother, on the other side of the wall, was also under his desk…) This, I now see, was my first attempt to create a home, one where I could be who I actually was, although I would never have described it that way at 5 years old, or 8, or 12. This was just the beginning of longing for a place where the gate would swing open and I could safely emerge. By last count, I’ve tried to find a home in 20 domiciles in 6 different cities.  The last attempt was made just a few months ago when my husband and I moved from a house in the suburbs to a big loft in an industrial artists’ building.

This space suits me more than any I’ve ever lived in and so my desire for home is at a high pitch. If I can’t make it work here, then where? I like the big sweep of open space. The enormous skylights. The community of painters, sculptors, designers, and those who love them. (Or rent a room from them.) Most of all, I relish feeling the presence of others while being able to maintain solitude, which is a dream come true for one who loves people beyond all reason but is an inveterate, incontrovertible introvert. Given all the choices in the world, I will pick an apartment every time. I am a city person, there is no doubt.

I left my parents’ house in the suburbs when I was 16 and from that moment searched for a place for myself, with no frame of reference whatsoever. The only thing I knew was that it would probably be outside of conventional life—that I wouldn’t find it in an education, a relationship, or any lifestyle I had ever seen. So I didn’t go to college, didn’t create a household with another until I was almost 40, and have ended up with a job that requires/allows me to be alone all day long. (I really, really, really like being alone. I didn’t even live with my husband for the first 3 years of our marriage.)

From the outside, people look at my life and tell me how “brave” I’ve been for undertaking this search, for the risks I’ve taken, the stands I’ve made, the adventures I’ve been on. But I know the truth. I know exactly what has motivated me and it’s way more about fear than courage. I’m terrified of walking into my own home, showing exactly who I am, and not being embraced or even noticed; that the inner and outer noises will be so loud that I won’t be able to hear my own voice—and that if I am seen, am heard, I will not be loved. I’m terrified of finding myself in a place that looks like home but doesn’t feel like it, where the only spot that feels right is under my desk, unseen and not looked for, sunk in silence and not listened to, unrecognizable.

Today I sit at my desk not under it, but my posture is the same: I am poised in silence, listening for the opening of the secret gate. It is so easily missed.

Since The Wisdom of a Broken Heart came out, I’ve had the honor of speaking with many people who are meeting this incredibly difficult life passage with courage and tenderness. We talk about the endless waves of grief, fear, and rage and how one could possibly weather them. We talk about the valuable, hard-won heart opening that can arise. And invariably, we touch on the possibility of loving again. Many believe they will never be able to do so and, if the possibility arose, would never, ever be able to trust it. When you know love can be lost at any time, how on earth could you try it again?! I’ve heard this question time and again. And time and again, I’ve sat down at my desk to see if I have anything useful to say because I really, really want to help. I’ve probably made a dozen false starts, trying to come at the question from all sorts of angles. Frankly, I did not come up with one thing worth saying.

Today I told myself I was going to sit in front of the computer until I could figure out what to say—because I know that it is possible to open to love again, even if your heart has been broken under the most egregious circumstances (which usually involve some kind of betrayal). It happens everyday. It happened to me. I’ve studied Buddhist teachings on compassion and wisdom and have every confidence they can teach you how. So why haven’t I been able to put something together?

Here’s why. All this time, I have been trying to figure out some kind of advice for how to leave your broken heart behind in order to enter a new relationship with confidence.

For better or worse, those two things—a broken heart and having confidence in love—are actually interdependent.

When most of say we’re looking for love, we really mean we’re looking for safety. When your heart has been broken, you realize that love can never be made safe and, in fact, efforts to make it so are related more to self-protection than opening yourself to the unpredictable, impossible-to-mandate waves of passion, confusion, joy, and disappointment that accompany love. To love, you have to be receptive, vulnerable. In fact, it is through vulnerability alone that we come by true love. So in one sense, when your heart is broken, you are ahead of the game. It makes you permanently vulnerable and thus is actually teaching you how to love. You learn how deep your longing for love is, and how much you have to give. You realize that love is by far the most important thing in your life. Your heart is not just broken, it is broken open and so you feel everything—your own joys and sorrows, but also other’s, unquestioningly. These attributes make you uniquely, outrageously suited to love—if you can learn to stabilize your heart in this state of openness. The traditional practice of loving kindness teaches you exactly how to do this. Please try it and see how it works for you. It is the balm that soothes all wounds.

Plus, there is one thing that makes it absolutely certain that you will be able to open to love again. That thing is love itself. When it comes to you, from you, through you, it is unmistakable. It chooses you, you don’t choose it and, like it or not, you open, unquestioningly. Of course, there is no telling how it will all turn out (there never, ever is), but when love is present, it quells outer, inner, and secret obstacles and you are reminded that your heart is absolutely indestructible. Over and over, it can refill with love on the spot. It never forgets how to do this. Love is the rising tide that lifts all boats, those of despair and those of shame, of rage, of terror, and of longing—to cast them once again upon the waves, heading who knows where, you and your beloved along for the ride. This is how it works. I have no idea why..

So definitely do your work: Explore the nature of your wounds. Develop methods of extreme self-care. Extend the hand of kindness to yourself as you work though these overwhelming emotions. Please do this for yourself. And as you do, don’t worry about how you’re ever going to open to love again. Love itself will do the work for you.

In the meantime, here’s what you can do to help: Relax. Relaxing here means stepping off the self-improvement treadmill and, instead of trying to change yourself, allowing your feelings to be just as they are without attaching a narrative to them. Make room for them and what you now consider as obstacles will reveal themselves simply as facets of wisdom. The practice of meditation is exactly this act.

I created a special version of The Practice of Tranquility (the practice suggested in my book), for those times when you feel that your heartbreak will never end and you are intolerably fragile..

And here is a good rule of thumb. When in doubt, sorrow, or despair: do less. Over and over, accept yourself on the spot. From this gesture of gentleness, great space opens and your deepest wisdom arises to guide you. This is guaranteed.

Writers’ retreat participants talk about the retreat experience:

Have I mentioned how much I love to teach writers’ retreats?! It is like my favorite thing to do. For the following reasons.

1. I get to help people say the stuff they’d like to say.
2. I get to teach meditation.
3. I hear and see writing take shape.
4. I get to write, too.

You may be thinking: OK, awesome, great, sounds cool. For you. What about me? Perhaps I have no talent. I might be intimidated by all the “real” writers. I have never been to a meditation retreat center and it might be creepy. I could be the worst writer there, or in the world.

What do you say to me?

Writers’ Retreat FAQ
How long is the retreat?
They are usually about 7 days long. You could come for the whole thing, or just the weekend. You could come for the weekend, change your mind, and stay for the whole thing!

I’m not “a writer.” Can I still come?
Ahem. Yes. The retreat is for anyone who wants to write, anyone. Attendees have included:

• People who have never written anything–ever
• People who like to journal and want to spend the whole retreat journaling
• People who like to journal but might like to try another kind of writing
• People who have no experience writing, but have a story they’d like to get down on paper for a variety of reasons
• Writers who want to begin a new project
• Writers who crave the time and space to let their writing unfold
• Writers on deadlines
• Published writers
• Unpublished writers
• Poets
• Songwriters
• Screenplay writers
• Essayists
• Business writers
• Memoirists
• Novelists
• Self-help writers
• And word lovers of every ilk

All are welcome. The retreat environment can support any kind of writing, as far as I can tell.

Do I have to share my work?!?!? Cause if I do, I’m not coming.
No, of course not. However, we gather in the evenings to hear 2 or 3 people read an excerpt of something they’re working on so that we can give them feedback. I bet a million bucks that once you see how it goes, you’ll totally want to share something. But you never, ever have to.

Here are the rules of engagement:

The writer can read anything he or she wants–something written that day, 10 years ago, 2 weeks ago. It can be a finished piece, a work in progress, or a mish-mash of sentences that may be something, maybe not. The piece can be up to 2000 words long.

After the writer reads his or her work, he or she is silent during the ensuing discussion. We don’t call the person by name, but refer to him or her as “the writer.” We pretend the person isn’t in the room, giving them a chance to be a fly on the wall for the conversation.

When the conversation is done, the writer is invited to request clarification or respond however he or she would like.

We are not reading as literary critics, but as readers. We don’t comment on structure, grammar, spelling, or form–unless the writer specifically requests. Instead, we answer such questions as:

What does it feel like to hear this work?
How would we describe this writer’s voice?
Where do we imagine the piece might go from here? (If applicable.)
Where did the piece really touch us, and where did we become confused?

And the like. In other words, we are letting the writer in on what it feels like to be a reader of this work, as mentioned. Most people dread this part of the retreat, but end up thinking it was the best part. I’m not saying you would feel that way, just reporting the facts.

How much meditation is involved? What if I’ve never meditated before?
We meditate for short periods throughout the day. I give thorough instruction and attendees have ranged from long-time meditation practitioners to those who have never, ever tried it.

What is the daily schedule?
Something like this:
9-10 Meditation and journaling
10-1230 Personal writing time
1230-230 Lunch, break
230-3 Meditation
3-500 Personal writing time
500-530 Tea break
530-6 Discussion
6-730 Dinner, break
730-9 Hear each other’s work

Every day is exactly the same schedule. This allows you to sink into the pace and really relax into your work.

I notice you teach at Buddhist retreat centers. Will I have to do Buddhist things (like chant, sit in full lotus, be recruited into the dharma or subjected to any creepy cultish vibes)?
I am a Buddhist and I teach at the places where I have gone most to practice and study. But no one has to do, say, think, or be anything religious in any way, shape, or form. Our meditation practice is a basic breath-awareness practice and involves no idolatry of any kind.

Is it OK if I sign up but sort of make up my own schedule while I’m there? I may want to write at different times, go on some hikes, or catch up on my sleep.
In this case, you should sign up for a personal retreat. I don’t want to sound bossy or mean, but this program is scheduled very particularly to relax the mind, enhance creativity, and help you meet your own voice. It is important to hold to the schedule so that each and all of us can find our groove. If people pop in and out at will, the vibe goes flat.

Is there time to do other stuff while I’m there?
Yes, during the afternoon there is a 2-hour break and that can be a good time to hike, nap, read, dilly dally about.

When and where are you teaching these fantastic retreats?
I’m so glad you asked. I’m only teaching a few more in 2010:
Oct 15 – 22
BARNET, VT
AUTHENTIC INSPIRATION: A RETREAT FOR WRITERS
$675
Karme Choling Shambhala Meditation Center

Oct 29 – 31
RED FEATHER LAKES, CO
AUTHENTIC INSPIRATION: A WEEKEND RETREAT FOR WRITERS
$325 -$605, depending on lodging
Shambhala Mountain Center

Oct 29 – Nov 4
RED FEATHER LAKES, CO
AUTHENTIC INSPIRATION: A 6-DAY RETREAT FOR WRITERS
$710 -$1505, depending on lodging
Shambhala Mountain Center

You didn’t answer the most important question.
Uh-oh. Definitely email me and I’ll answer it.

Seriously, check out the awesome participants in the video (from the most recent writers’ retreat at Shambhala Mountain Center in the Colorado Rockies).

I recently spoke with Ronna Detrick of RENEGADEconversations. Ronna hosts a members-only, online forum for women called A CONVERSATIONAL SPACE. Included in that space are monthly MP3s of Ronna’s conversation with women from all over the world. And this month it’s me. The MP3 of our conversation is usually exclusve to her site-members only, but by clicking here you can listen in. Enjoy!