Posts from — August 2010

Two days ago, out of the blue, someone who I really respect (but had never met) called to say he thought my work was awesome, that I was a “rock star,” and basically he just really appreciated my work.

Amazing. Ridiculously cool. So affirming.

My response?

He must be psycho. That didn’t just happen.

Then I burst into tears and took a nap.

Self-doubt is vicious. It amplifies when I get closer to what I long for—in this case, simply to be seen, and not just for anything, but for that which I hold most dear: my creative work. Why?!

Well, I have no idea. But when I slowed down (more easily accomplished after crying and napping), I saw that rather than being in the realm of the impossible, my self-doubt was actually a sign that I had entered the realm of the possible. In this moment, things are unfolding. No more thought. Time to just swim. Although it’s scary in one sense, in another, it is actually something cool.

So from now on, as my self-doubt ramps up, I’m going to reclassify it from “perhaps I suck” to “perhaps I’m experiencing a moment of fruition.” You try it, too. Please report back and know that I’ll be thinking of you and hoping that you can meet your longing head-on, hold your self-doubt as a sign of self-cherishing, and, most especially, when you see others in the grip of that particular fear, that your heart will open without any thought at all.

Looked at this way, you could actually enter into your own longing and find it to be a place of joy rather than one of grasping, a source of vitality rather than, well, a reason to nap.

I’ve spent a lot of time in my life trying to force myself to do things. Really good things. Things that are important to me. Things like meditating, journaling, going to the gym, and so on. I set schedules over and over. (I will rise at 5. Meditate, 530-630. Journal 630-730. Breakfast 8-9, and so on.) I fail way more than I succeed, which makes me really, really upset. I get angrier and angrier at myself, curse my lack of discipline, shame myself for watching Battlestar Galactica (again) instead of writing, delve into my psychology hoping to unearth the seeds of this self-sabotage. It spirals out of control until I either give in to lying on the couch or somehow manage to squeeze in a day of discipline according to schedule, whereupon I exhale a half-sigh of relief and immediately begin bullying myself to repeat this tomorrow. IT SUCKS.

Yesterday, I finally realized that this method would never, ever work. I was shocked. But it never, ever has. I’ve been after myself on this score for, what, like ten years? Had it ever worked once in that time, I asked myself. No! I said immediately.

Now what?

I knew I had to give up trying to be disciplined in any conventional sense. It doesn’t work. And since the definition of suffering is trying the same thing over and over, expecting a different result, I had to put myself out of my misery.

Right away, fear swept through me. If I’m not vigilant about making myself do stuff, I won’ do anything. And my commitment to meditate is critical on every level. Every writing book on earth says you must work at the same time every day, or words will never come. “Inspiration is for amateurs,” says painter Chuck Close. “The rest of us just show up and get to work…” I want to be like Chuck! There has to be another path to spiritual and creative discipline…what could it be?

The answer I came up with? Pleasure. Pleasure! The last thing I usually think of when planning my day. Once I get all my work out of the way, maybe I can do something fun or satisfying or just cuz. I never do stuff just to have fun. Never. I am so not built like that. However…among the most pleasurable things in my life are the things I’m committed to doing: spiritual practice and writing. I love those things! I remembered that they make me happy. Maybe I could just jump into them for their own sake, for the joy of doing them rather than the obligation and it’s possible the whole thing will roll out just fine. Once I remembered that my motivation is routed in genuine curiosity and that my tasks are in complete alignment with who I am and want to be, my office suddenly seemed like a playground rather than a labor camp.

So I didn’t schedule myself at all. Instead, I asked myself, what do I feel like doing? What would be fun for me? Write? OK. What is fun about writing? Oh, it’s so cool when it just starts to flow and plus I really enjoy thinking about things like dharma and love and creativity simply for the sake of doing so. So start there. When you’re done, ask yourself what would be fun to do next.

And I did. And you know what? I did all the things I yell at myself to do. My day looked pretty much exactly like my days do when I succeed in being “disciplined.” Only this time, it seemed effortless. I had such a light heart.

So, yes, discipline is critical, just like all the teachers say. And there is definitely stuff that needs doing that is just never going to be fun like paying bills and cleaning the cat box. But I suggest that instead of being disciplined about hating on yourself to get things done, try being disciplined about remaining close to what brings you joy. It takes a lot of courage, actually. See what happens. Let me know!

How do you know if you’re Buddhist?

I knew I was a Buddhist the moment I read a book by Chogyam Trungpa called The Heart of the Buddha. This is how I already think, only I didn’t know it, I said to myself. I must be a Buddhist. From that moment, the fates conspired to place me firmly on the path. I began to practice in the Shambhala Buddhist lineage, found an amazing meditation instructor, and immediately saw my life begin to change, even out, take shape. Rarely has anything in my life been so clear-cut. [Read more →]

Perfect advice from 16-year old reincarnation of Dilgo Khyentse Rinpoche.

“…If your mind is going all day, I must tell you frankly that is not something you should be worried or upset (about), because that really happens all the time.”

“The more often you listen to your discriminating awareness, the more easily you will be able to change your negative moods yourself, see through them, and even laugh at them for the absurd dramas and ridiculous illusions that they are.

Gradually you will find yourself able to free yourself more and more quickly from the dark emotions that have ruled your life, and this ability to do so is the greatest miracle of all.

The Tibetan mystic, Tertön Sogyal, said that he was not really impressed by someone who could turn the floor into the ceiling or fire into water. A real miracle, he said, was if someone could liberate just one negative emotion.”