The other day, I was ecstatically happy to attend a talk at the New York Public Library by one of my idols, Karen Armstrong. She is an expert on world religions—not just the ins and outs of doctrine, but each faith’s character and intention. Karen’s work puts a human face on our love of the divine and the search for meaning. Reading her work expands my heart and deepens my intelligence at the same time, so obviously I love her. (If you want to love her too, I suggest starting with her memoir, The Spiral Staircase.)

Karen has created something called “The Charter for Compassion” for the purpose of spreading ideas of kindness, tolerance, and understanding. Part of her rationale for why this can work at all is that we’re programmed to be compassionate already. Every single faith has at its heart a version of the teaching to Love Thy Neighbor as Thyself, because it is only by treating others as we would ourselves that this world will exist in peace.

Yes, yes, I thought. Of course this is true. Buddhists say the same exact thing, that bodhicitta (the union of compassion and wisdom) is both inherent in our nature and the hope of this world.

Yay! No, wait, boo. Because the very next moment, I realized that I had a problem. If I actually tried to treat my neighbors as myself, my neighbors would be in a lot of trouble. I’d be saying to them a lot of stuff like:

Can’t you do better than that?
You don’t look so good today.
That mean thing someone said to you 9 years ago? It’s true, you know.
The problems you have now? Your fault!! Ha ha ha ha.
If only you were not you, things would be okay. (*sigh*)

And so on. For the first time, I realized what loving my neighbor as myself meant and that it had to start with loving myself. I guess I had subconsciously thought that it meant loving my neighbor more than myself. Or instead of myself. In a flash, I wasn’t sure that I knew how to love anyone, especially myself.

Do you? How often in your life have you extended to yourself the kind of love you long for, the kind that includes acceptance and appreciation, listens to you and sees you clearly, suffers when you suffer, rejoices when you rejoice, cheers you on, and tells you little funny jokes when you’re down? How many times have you actually felt love for yourself? This question is so important. According to every single one of the world’s wisdom traditions, your answer could be the cornerstone of compassion for others and thus to peace in this world. Nothing less.

Meditation is the practice of extending love to yourself. Far more than a relaxation technique or self-improvement strategy, meditation is you spending time with you in an atmosphere of generosity, appreciation, and patience. You open to yourself as you are. This is what love is and as you are capable of offering it to yourself, so you are capable of offering it to others.

As you go through this day and notice big or small moments of irritation, judgment or criticism toward yourself, stop. Look directly into this moment and, rather than trying to excuse, patronize, or shoot it, soften toward it. Know that underneath the surface is someone (you) who is trying to live her best life with tremendous heart, dignity, and worthiness. Thank her for this. Let your heart expand to embrace her. Give her your love. Do it for me. Do it for us all.