From Ishita #4
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This week and last I’ve spent more time reading about meditation than actually practicing it. This shows me how strong my habit pattern is to put off things that are challenging for me or that bring up even a mild amount of discomfort. It’s funny because as I’m reading at times I have the thought, “I’m reading this right now because it’s too hard to make the effort to meditate.” While thinking that, sometimes i’ll put down the book and get up and meditate and other times i’ll just keep reading. That’s how the process has gone for me this week.
But Sunday was different. Sunday, stranded with no phone or computer, not by choice but by circumstance (i left my phone charger at work and my cell was dead, and my apartment has no internet so i have to go to a coffeeshop if i want to go online. this is too much effort for a Sunday. So, after panicking rightly so for a few hours on Saturday night and Sunday morning, I decided to just relax. I read my meditation book (not kidding) and then actually practiced watching my breath and meditating in the morning. Before I did this, i can’t tell you how restless I was with no mode of communication and with none of my usual distractions at hand – internet surfing, facebook, just picking up the phone. I was actually scared and panicked before I settled down. But once I breathed in and out for 20 minutes and meditated and read my book on how not to be afraid of being alone, I felt quite good. I felt great actually. This is what staying in the present moment, even if it’s icky means, I think. Once I was able to blast through the super dramatic stories of what not talking to anyone or being with anyone meant, I realized I could create a safe space for myself right there and then. And that’s when i started to relax.
So that’s my little experience with meditation and sticking with the present moment for this week.
On another note, I’m proud of myself because I see that perhaps I do have the discipline and will power (and the desire) needed to make meditation a daily habit of mine. I’ve gone to the gym consistently for the last two weeks and keeping up that habit (more than any of the actual excercises) has made me quite happy.
5 comments
Love this post– this is my mode of being, too — always reading, and sometimes actually stopping to meditate. Thank you for the reminder and inspiration to pause and practice. What was the book you mentioned, on being alone?
“I realized I could create a safe space for myself right there and then” – Oh, how I needed to read those words! Something just clicked into place for me. Thank you so much for sharing!
This is just where I am too. When I start to think of doing something I immediately reach for a book forst to read about how to do what it is I want to do. Then I get another book. Sometimes I never get round to doing what I intended in the first place because something else takes my attention and I’ve bought another book about it. I also find the distraction of the internet works against me – I tell myself I’ll jsut read those blogs I follow and comment on them first. Then I’ll just post to my blog. Then I re-check my inbox for emails. Then another couple of blog posts have appeared in my reader. And on and on…
I confess I’ve been on my meditation cushion only 6 times since Susan started the open heart programme. How good it is to read about others who have the same problems and to know I’m not alone! I would also be grateful to know the title of the book you mentioned!
ladies – thanks so much for your support and encouragement. being on the path and practicing together makes all the difference in the world. how much discipline it takes to shut off my computer and just sit and stop, just stop, is almost unbelievable. having the restless energy pent up and the ever-running clock of “finish this, cross it off your list” is cumbersome. the sun, taking a moment, and realizing that my meditation is the best thing i can do for myself, is very helpful. thanks to you all and susan, thanks to you for reminding us of this oh so important part of ourselves. xoishita
Keep talking to us, Ishita.The way you tell the truth is helpful to all. xo S