Excerpt from Upcoming Book & Request for Stories
I’m bumping this post up to a more current date (it’s from 2009) because I continue to receive really touching and inspiring and important stories from people. Please read through these painful, brave, thoughtful stories and, if you feel so moved, offer your wisdom in return.
More than anything, personal stories help others to heal.
So if you can, please post the story of your broken heart in the comments section. Talk about what happened. Talk about about how you felt. Talk about what helped, what didn’t, and how you feel now. It doesn’t have to be a super redemptive story about how everything in your life is now perfect. (Although it can be!)
Just speak from your heart.
If you don’t know how to begin, start with these questions. Cut and paste this into the comments section and fill in the blanks. If you don’t know how to answer a particular question, just skip it for now. Email me if you have any questions or concerns about posting.
- My break up occurred _______ days/months/years ago and since that time, my primary emotions have been _______, _______, and _______ .
- The last time I felt feelings such as these was when _______. What I notice when I compare these two experiences is _______.
- The thing that has been the most difficult for me since this relationship ended is _______.
- When I think about our break-up, the thought or thoughts that plagues me over and over is/are _______.
- I feel the pain of this loss most acutely when I _______.
- What I miss most about our relationship is _______.
- What I don’t miss about our relationship is _______.
- The thing I regret most is _______.
- The unforeseen benefit of this break up is _______.
- If I could take him/her back right now, I would/would not and here’s why: _______.
- The most important thing others need to know about healing a broken heart is _______.
THANK YOU
106 comments
Excerpt from my upcoming book (The WIsdom of a Broken Heart), request 4 heartbreak stories, & ideas abt what helps heal. http://bit.ly/1brlb
Hi Susan,
I think you’ve done a fine job of applying Shambhalian practices to the experience of disappointment and heartbreak. However, I must say that I was disappointed when I came to the chapter about how having a brief sexual affair can aid in the process. Thich Nhat Hanh explicitly states in one of his fourteen mindfulness trainings a resolutions to not engage in sexual relations without love and long-term commitment. From what I’ve come to understand about life, it is a rare instance, if at all, that a sexual relationship, however brief, does not come without some degree of emotional attachment and leave some kind of karmic residue behind. I think this chapter was somewhat irresponsible on your part, as there are many people who misuse sexuality and create great suffering, both for themselves and others, in the process. Speaking from personal experience, the one time that I became sexually intimate with someone while still not “over” a breakup only served to increase my sadness and confusion, and possibly upset the other party as well, who I of course, since then, have had no contact with. In this society we are inundated with messages that sex without love is okay and even to be congratulated, but from personal experience and talking with others, this is almost never the case. Almost always, it is unsatisfying, uncomfortable, or even if it is good, it can leave feelings of guilt and confusion on one or both sides when it becomes apparent that the act was not grounded in mutual understanding, respect, and love. Of course, it is your book, and you are free to do with it as you please, but I have to say that some credibility was lost when I read that chapter. Maybe in future editions you can have that chapter removed, in the spirit of refraining from creating unncecessary confusion or suffering from the readers.
Thank you so much for taking the time to comment, and for expressing your concerns about those who might enter into brief sexual relationships. I share your concern and I’m was not recommending any such thing. I was simply reporting on my experience. I would never take it upon myself to say what is right or wrong for anyone when it comes to sex. It is just too mysterious (and therefore, as you point out, dangerous) for that. Wishing you all best! Susan
Anonymous: You can disagree with Susan, but she’s not wrong. Everyone is different and what works for one person might not work for another – I think its clear there is no cookie cutter solution to anything.
I have made it a habit to read and listen to advice offered by others and then only do what rings true to myself.
Maybe there is an issue with what people “attach” to sex that is the issue, that causes the suffering. I agree love + sex is the greatest, but I don’t see why sex without love is wrong in every case. It depends on those involved, their expectations and the situation.
I’m new to Buddhism and Shambhala teachings, but what hooked me initially was the absence of a dogma, and the freedom to take the teachings and make them my own. It’s a self regulating philosophy of life. That’s my opinion of it anyway.
Just think, if everyone could learn to think for themselves, the freedom of expression that gives everyone in return. No editing.
I appreciate your support of free thinking, Lisa.
My break up occurred four months ago and since that time, my primary emotions have been sadness, disbelief, and betrayal.
The last time I felt feelings such as these was when I was betrayed by my first love. What I notice when I compare these two experiences is that while the first experience was painful, it doesn’t compare to the earth-shattering feeling of the second, which was when I understood what heartbreak actually meant.
The thing that has been the most difficult for me since this relationship ended is accepting that the person I loved was not who I believed them to be .
When I think about our break-up, the thoughts that plague me over and over are, who are they really, what does love mean to them, how did I manage to get them so wrong, how easily have they forgotten me?
I feel the pain of this loss most acutely when I am out and supposed to be having fun.
What I miss most about our relationship is the intimacy, safety, companionship, laughter, love.
What I don’t miss about our relationship is never feeling ‘quite good enough’.
The thing I regret most is allowing myself to be disrespected.
The unforeseen benefit of this break up is in trying to cope with the immense pain I was given the opportunity to learn how to stop running away from myself and accept me just as I am.
If I could take him back right now, I would not and here’s why: he didn’t like himself or me, just as we were.
The most important thing others need to know about healing a broken heart is to sit with the pain and not be afraid of it, because it will make the world a bigger, more fascinating and welcoming place if you can do so.
1. My break up occurred 2 months ago and since that time, my primary emotions have been anger, loneliness, and depression.
2. The last time I felt feelings such as these was NEVER.
3. The thing that has been the most difficult for me since this relationship ended is trying to figure out why it happened, moving on when everything seems to remind me of him, and trying to not use him as a comparison for other men.
4. When I think about our break-up, the thought or thoughts that plagues me over and over is/are WHY? Why wasn’t I good enough? Why was he unhappy? Why did he say the things he said? Was there ever anyone else?
5. I feel the pain of this loss most acutely each morning and night, because that is how we would start/end our days.
6. What I miss most about our relationship is the love, happiness, excitement, and companionship.
7. What I don’t miss about our relationship is the fights, insecurity, and jealousy.
8. The thing I regret most is not standing up for myself enough in the beginning, and not sharing my feelings as much as he did.
9. The unforeseen benefit of this break up is it taught me what types of men to steer clear from.
10. If I could take him back right now, I wouldn’t and here’s why: he knows. Were incompatible in the long run.
11. The most important thing others need to know about healing a broken heart is it never goes away. You just have to do your best to move on. Time will help but never completely erase their memory.
Katie, I’m filled with appreciation for your honesty, courage, and tenderheartedness. I wish you all the best, including a love who will love and appreciate you for exactly who you are. Love, Susan
RT @spiver: Excerpt from my upcoming book (The WIsdom of a Broken Heart), request 4 heartbreak stories, & ideas … http://bit.ly/1brlb
I know you deal with romantic/sexual relationship heartbreak, mine isn’t that. My sister-in-law broke with me, which severed me from my brother and niece & nephew. More painful than any relationship break I’ve ever had.
1. My break up occurred Xmas 2008 and since that time, my primary emotions have been sadness, anger, and frustration.
2. The last time I felt feelings such as these was when my sister-in-law wouldn’t speak with my parents. What I notice when I compare these two experiences is that I should have been more compassionate towards my mother.
3. The thing that has been the most difficult for me since this relationship ended is dealing with the frustration that there’s no solution because she’s irrational.
4. When I think about our break-up, the thought or thoughts that plagues me over and over is/are that the kids won’t know/remember that I care for them.
5. I feel the pain of this loss most acutely when I think about the kids.
6. What I miss most about our relationship is spending time with the kids.
7. What I don’t miss about our relationship is dealing with the irrationality and craziness.
8. The thing I regret most is that I was never completely honest with H.
9. The unforeseen benefit of this break up is not having to deal with H, and having lots of time.
10. If I could take her back right now, I would and here’s why: the kids and they are family.
11. The most important thing others need to know about healing a broken heart is the pain doesn’t go away, you just begin to deal with it better.
Rebecca, thank you so much for your post and for your ongoing willingness to love, even when things have bee this painful. I honor you for holding your heart open to possibility. Love, Susan
1. My break up has been ongoing since December 2008 – an on-again, off-again relationship since that time. Prior to December, my partner and I were engaged to be married. I was the one who broke up the relationship in December, but we reconciled in February. We split again in May (her doing), reconciled almost immediately, and we have been unable to agree on the nature of our relationship since that time. My primary emotions have been loneliness, fear, and rejection .
2. The last time I felt feelings such as these was when my ex-husband and I divorced. What I notice when I compare these two experiences is how painful and life-changing break-ups can be (and also that there is personal growth as a result – I certainly came back from my divorce a stronger woman once I got through the emotional self-battle).
3. The thing that has been the most difficult for me since this relationship ended is wanting so badly for it to start up again.
4. When I think about our break-up, the thoughts that plague me over and over are about what I did wrong; that perhaps I had been a smothering partner, that perhaps I expected too much or didn’t give enough.
5. I feel the pain of this loss most acutely when she does not respond to text message or emails, or when I am alone.
6. What I miss most about our relationship is how safe I always felt in her presence.
7. What I don’t miss about our relationship is the inequality between our incomes.
8. The thing I regret most is being the one to end our relationship the first time back in December. I feel as though no matter how often I tell her what a horrible mistake it was to put our relationship through that, that she and I will never be the same, and I fear that she will never trust me not to leave her again.
9. The unforeseen benefit of this break up is that I have learned how to choose what I want very, very carefully. Fleeting moments of doubt should never cause a break up. I will never do that again in a relationship.
10. If I could take her back right now, I would, and here’s why: I believe that our time apart can be beneficial to our relationship together. However, I will be cautious to not be a doormat or allow her to hold my actions against me. If we are going to do this again, it should be with as clean a slate as is possible, and accusations or confrontation about the previous year should be left aside. I also resolve not to make snide remarks about her behaviour while we were broken up.
11. The most important thing others need to know about healing a broken heart is that it isn’t something that someone else can do for you. Everyone’s process is different, and most other people’s ‘personal experience’ advice is crap. Only you can do this for yourself, and the first step is being WILLING to heal. Some people spend years unwilling to heal, and that’s why it takes so long for them to get over something/someone. I’m not ‘ready’ to heal quite yet, so it’s been a slow process for me. But I do know that the day will come when I am ready to start the process.
I dropped him off at the airport at the end of June; he was only leaving for 10 days. But when I drove away, I knew our separation would last much longer than his visit back East. I was broken. I knew there was nothing left of me, of who I really was. And I knew more than anything, this 10 year relationship, 6 years of it in marriage, had robbed me of myself.
I found my own place while he was gone. It all seemed surreal and, if I looked at the big picture, overwhelming. I had to take it one simple step at a time. I went to visit family in San Diego to get away for a week. I felt dead to the world. I knew this feeling. It was the same feeling I had at age 22 when my dad died. Complete and total loss. But this was different. I had chosen this. So why was it so damn hard?
It’s been three months now since I moved out and one week since I signed the divorce papers. Most of the time I feel safe and relieved. But I get sad too, and I just allow this. When I accept the sadness and nurture it, it never lasts long. I don’t feel lonely much. Funny thing is, I felt lonely all the time when we were married. Most recently I feel like I am missing something. And I think that “something” might be just what I knew. The warm fires at night, the tv shows we watched together, the long days of playing in the Tetons. But I know I will create new things to know and new ways of knowing them. This time, on my own- independent, creative, safe, peaceful.
Susan, I was excited to read about this book title. I am curious what you will share in the pages. I believe this post was synchronicity for me today as I am getting ready to post something on a very relevant topic: *Love, Desire and Disappointment and how it impacts our life journey. Anyway, my story is not the typical sad breakup, I guess it has a lot more twists and turns and ends up with the ‘ever after’ mind you there are many sacred spaces in between. So, here goes.
I met my sweetheart back in 1999. We were international online penpals. The following year we were the best of friends and soon we knew we were inseparable, funny thing is we weren’t together yet nor had we met! The trials began early for us. He joined the service in the summer of 2000. This was the early pains of long distance love. By Christmas 2000, we met, and he gave me a promise ring.
Thanks for letting me share, Susan! I hope that this story will bless others! I think its important that we all realize that there is no perfect ‘ever-after’ in this life, but we co-create our lives daily and Love~within, is very much apart of that process 
~JenZuniga
My heart broke the first time we had to say goodbye (at the airport) 2 weeks later. It was a wound i thought would never heal. It would be 6 mths before I would see him again. He was off for training II. Love waits. Summers we would see each other, on weekends, occasions etc as we could. We endured deployment #1 – testing our young love. My heart broke, waited 8 mths to see him again. 2002, we were engaged, and started planning our wedding. Flares in afghanistan were increasing at the time and so there was rumors that more troops could be sent out. In the midst of planning our dream wedding, we never guessed the unimaginable would happen, nor that it would be divinely allowed ~after all the celebration of love is sacred. Alas after 1 yr of planning, 10 days before our big day! The red carpet was pulled. I had never been so absolutely stripped and naked in my heart as that day! I tried everything in my power to save it, it couldn’t be done. He had to go and we had to go from lovers’ mode into emergency mode to survive it all -together! The worst part is since we had a border separating and he was on standby, we almost didn’t get to say goodbye to one another. I had to fight for even that! Our hearts were a wreck! It would be 10 mths before I would see my love again. During his deployment in Afghanistan he almost died 5 times, and the reality hit too close to home. When he returned the following year, we had our wedding celebration at last, and relocated, so finally we were together. You’d think the heart drama ends but there is one more twist in this story. My hubby gets out of the service after his 4 year contract is zipped. Jump ahead a couple years and our newly married life is starting to feel a routine, a comfy zone of life as a couple. One day, I go to the door and see a golden packet on the doorstep from the Army. As my hubby comes in, I give it to him. As he opens it, it says for the next 16 mths, you are ours. First order: ‘you will leave for training in 30 days and this will take place the next 6 mths and then you will deploy for 1 yr to Iraq. We are standing there dumbfounded, like you have got to be kidding me! After all that we went through already and the wedding ordeal, and we had moved on and were finally both settled, with jobs, etc. and then this one. Oh, it was really blast to the past! So, we had no time to feel again, back to survival mode. We started preparing! It was this deployment that I actually was able to face my bitterness of resentment that I held towards the army and learn to take a day at a time. This is when the true shift took place for me and I realized that Love is not a person, it is a companion. It is always within us. You can long for, and even have the most beautiful ‘human-love’ relationship but nothing is complete until you realize what Love really is. My hubby and I walked through a lot of desire and disappointment together, and are still together! He is officially out of the service database and we are celebrating 5 yrs of marriage and 10 yrs as best friends this year! However, without Love as our constant nurturing travel companion, neither of us would’ve lasted this long.
My heart did finally heal, during the process of writing a book about long distance love and also of the journey of Love itself taking us into our own deeper chamber. It is here where true healing balm of spirit is able to immerse us in a beauty indescribable. It is here where your heart too can heal. Our stories always have challenges that become too much for us to bear and yet Love bears them for us, as we trust in that which resides within us. When we realize all we ever needed was here in our hearts, it is a full-circle to our own homecoming! Once we find this true love from pure source, we not only heal but send out a glow into the world to attract others who are alike on our journey. Often then we find a beautiful companion who also reflects back this miracle! This has been my healing journey of love!
I enjoyed reading the excerpt of your introduction. There are some good things there.
Must I pick just one breakup story? I have had a few really painful ones… Your questions make a good guideline, but I can’t reduce that experience to a series of queries designed to test my 8th-grade reading comprehension skills. :-p Here goes:
* * *
It was summer 2006. I was happily divorced, but lonely, and looking at various online dating places.
I was surprised to find her comments on my blog on the dating site. Her pictures were hot, but there was a big age difference. There should have been no way we ever got together.
Somehow a connection formed, first online, then by phone, and eventually we met. She was struggling with a lot of issues, and I was supportive in a way that she had rarely experienced. The relationship was primarily physical at first, but over the course of several months I developed real feelings for her.
Even at the start, I couldn’t really see a long-term future for us, but I still wanted to spend time with her. We made it through Christmas, although not really as a “couple.”
I was floored when she broke things off in early January. That was the first (and only) time in my life that I actually tried to drink myself to the point of passing out. It didn’t work, and I ended up lying awake in bed most of the night. The next few weeks were miserable, and I could barely function at work.
After nearly three weeks of misery, I decided I needed to change things. I started writing about her. Rather than perpetuate the pain and complain about all the things I didn’t like (there were a few), I chose to look for the positives.
I wrote a series of blog posts (long-since deleted). In each one I wrote about an element of her that I appreciated. It took about a week to write about 15 attributes. She saw it all. About five days into the process I started to feel more like myself again.
Writing was a huge step in helping me get over her, and we managed to remain friends. She’s now married (to the guy she started seeing when we were breaking up), and expecting a baby soon. They’re a good fit.
I look back and realize that even with as much as I liked about her, she had more drama and negativity in her life than I care to deal with. That would have been tough to handle. I’m glad that I didn’t end up in a situation that would have been much more painful, complicated, and expensive to get out of.
Through the whole process, I got clarity about some of the things that I want in a relationship. I also believe that accentuating the positives in an ended relationship is a helpful way to move past it.
* * *
After reading your book intro, I’m looking forward to having more heartbreak opportunities in the future to solidify my warrior status.
Susan, how wonderful to see this post today. I’ve had a half-written email to you in the works for weeks, to tell you how anxious I am to read your new book. How there have been times since first hearing it would be out — dark moments — that I’ve been desperate to read it sooner. Right this second.
It’s been almost 18 months since my break-up occurred, and it’s easily been one of the hardest years of my life, in which I’ve questioned my sanity on more occasions than I care to count. I’ve fallen in love and had my heart broken before, by much worthier and kinder men, in my younger days. These were always great, powerful learning experiences, and I remain friends with all of them today. But this one threw me. I was completely side-swiped and emerged from the wreck into an aftermath that slowly unhinged my sense of reality and self-esteem. It’s been a long road.
The break-up itself was traumatic and completely out of nowhere. But it was also one of the scariest nights of my life. In three days, after being apart for a month, I watched him unravel until he went completely Jeckyl and Hyde on me, from head over heels to “we were never a couple.” It became clear immediately that he was dealing with demons and psychological issues that were far greater than me, and this was something I did not want to take on. But I may as well have been in a car wreck. He was not violent that night, but he came close.
The real unhinging came in the months afterward, as he assumed the position of the injured party, the sad and lonely, disappointed guy. I watched the subtle manipulation of our friends, telling them how amazing I was at the same time that he was telling me “there is nothing else to discuss.” Then slowly, his story of what happened that night began to change and it was suddenly my fault. I had left him. He owed (and still does) me a huge amount of money and cut off all contact when I asked for it back. I have never dealt with crazy like this, and can remember thinking I was still dealing with the guy I knew for a year before that insane night.
But for as crazy as I experienced him to be, he was a charlatan with everyone we knew. And that was what did me in. Hence the ungluing of my self-esteem and questioning of my sanity. The panic attacks, the months of therapy and the never getting better. I was forced to confront my own anger and rage, so strong that it consumed me and turned into a dark depression. None of this was for wanting him back, but I have never in my life wanted someone to disappear so much. To rewind and erase the tape. Everything else in my life was going great, but I was completely numb to it. It took a year of being stuck in that to hit rock bottom and finally start fighting.
The unforeseen benefit has been that it’s finally pushed me into a daily sitting meditation practice, which I turned to in desperation. For a decade I’ve flirted with my studies of buddhism, choosing yoga instead and being inconsistent in all of my practices. But since that ugly rock-bottom day in May, I’ve been sitting every day and slowly 5 minutes became 10, then 20 and now I can hardly pull myself away at 30 minutes. I’ve deepened my studies, found a community that I enjoy and committed myself to this practice. Finally. It is, of course, changing everything and I even have moments where I am grateful the whole nasty thing happened. Every ugly awful bit of it.
My challenge now is getting past the fear to open myself up again. I’ve always picked myself right up and dusted myself off. This time, I completely cut myself off from men. In a way, I’m 12 years old all over again, awkward and unsure. I don’t feel attractive anymore and I have to be mindful of how my defenses are up and at the ready. I am starting to want to flirt and date again, but terrified of feeling love again.
So thank you for writing this. I am so anxious to read it and maybe finally move forward once and for all. Off to read the excerpt!
My break up occurred 11 months ago and since that time, my primary emotions have been sadness, anger, and confusion.
The last time I felt feelings such as these was never before in this life.
The thing that has been the most difficult for me since this relationship ended is sleeping. I feel terribly lonely at night.
Even though my ex-husband is an alcoholic and I spent many nights while married to him alone while he was out using, I am still buried beneath this lonliness. I don’t want to jump into another relationship, and I don’t want to use any of my usual coping mechanisms to avoid this feeling, but sometimes it feels like it is just going to crush me.
When I think about our break-up, the thought or thoughts that plagues me over and over is/are why did I stay so long? If I had left earlier would I have had the chance to meet someone else and have kids, be a mom?
I feel the pain of this loss most acutely when I get stuck in the ruts of my negative thinking. Of telling myself stories that don’t help me out and I start believing these stories.
What I miss most about our relationship is the sense of home, of family.
What I don’t miss about our relationship is the sheer chaos of living with an alcoholic.
The thing I regret most is that I didn’t see the signs earlier.
The unforeseen benefit of this break up is it has caused me to deepen my spiritual practice and face some issues of my own.
If I could take him back right now, I would not and here’s why: I don’t think he will ever come to terms with his addiction.
The most important thing others need to know about healing a broken heart is that your heart will never quite be the same, but it will heal.
Susan I can’t wait to read your upcoming book! It might have been nice to read it before the events of the story that i have posted below. I think most of the questions are answered. #10-Except that time doesn’t heal all wounds. It just allows you to learn to live with the hurt and adjust to it!
The Call
It will be a year tomorrow, that I got that call that rocked my past. Now not everyone gets a chance to know a love like we had. Even fewer survive letting it go for someone else’s good.
Now I am not proud of all the things that will make up this story but it is as it is and nothing will change what happened all those years ago! My marriage was in the toilet that fall, the kids were to young to have realized what was going on between the “adults “ in the mix! I met Nancy in a bar in a Northern neighbors historical setting. We immediately hit it of, but knew that the physical side of things was just an intro to our true drawing. Now I’d be a lyer if I said I understood all the things that went on that fall. My head was swimming with the many new feelings I had learned to deal with on our many secreted get together!
Last year on that blustery gray day, as we feed the cattle from the tractor and 4-wheeler started out like any other winter, feeding day. We loaded up the tractor bucket and bale feeder with 4 big round bale and headed out to where we thought the herd was hiding from the wind and snow. Now the old cows were used to their calves being gone but the coming 3 year olds wee still looking for those not so little cash critters only 3 weeks removed and sent off to fatten. I will never know why, as I watched the bale feeder spit out that 2nd bale that I swung my leg back over the cold seat of my 4-wheeler and rode off to the 2nd highest point on the surrounding 10000 acres of high plains and sage-brush. As I neared the rock strewn and cactus and yucca covered summit I reached into my pocket and turned on the cellular phone, hiding there in the warmth of my wool and carhartt protective clothing. Being 45 miles from town, a cell signal is not something that we oft expect to get there on the ranch, but now and again even a lucky rancher gets a weak signal, even if to only check a voice-mail that should have never been sent in the first place. The brisk wind in my face seemed to grab my attention a little stouter than normal. As I dreamed about woman and glasses of beer the buzzing in my shirt pocket brought me around. I never even looked at the caller ID on the phone but answered as if I really knew who was calling. The voice on the other end brought a warm smile to my face, it was Nancy, “Paul are you there?” Yes Nancy, how are you?”” I am good, WHY didn’t you tell me all this time what we had together?”
Nancy, the doctors told me that any information hat I told you would not be your memories. But they would be mine and it could forever affect your recovery!”
“Paul that is so unfair to you! How could you go all these years living with the secret that we were friends, lovers, soul-mates and so much more?” Here I need to back up and complete the first part of the story that led to this phone-call that changed me so much. Nancy and I had spent 5 glorious days and nights roaming to and from hot springs and old historic hotels. I had gone to see her on my next days off, but I was unable to find Nancy at her house the bar or anywhere. I looked up her girl friend and she had a look of horror in her face when she asked” What are you doing here?”
I’m looking for Nancy” I said with a lost look on my confused face!
“Nancy was in a bad wreck night before last and they don’t expect her to make it!
I got the hospital info and made the best time that I could for the 3rd floor ICU those 55 miles down the mountain. When I got off the elevator on the critical care floor and headed for the ICU< I spotted Nancy’s daughter headed down another hall chasing one of her kids. As I approached the nurses station a nurse came around the corner and with a look of amazement and shock said” You are him!”
I said, “Him who?” not knowing what the hell was going on, but expecting the worst thinking Nancy’s foul tempered daughter was involved somehow! The nurse took me into the nurses’ station and showed me a picture that the paramedics had been unable to remove from Nancy’s grip as they used 2 sets of Jaws of Life to extricate her from the wreckage of the 2 vehicles. It was only after they induced a coma that she relaxed her life grip on my picture! As I spent the next 3 days at the bedside I made many an attempt to make deals with my higher power. All for naught, for his will is to be done and no amount of pleading and deal making will change that! Early in the afternoon of my 4th day as I brushed her hair and held her right hand, as that was about the only part of her that wasn’t broken, she stirred to life. As tears streamed down my face I repeatedly rang the nurses alarm. I know they thought she had gone into heart failure, as it had almost been ripped from her chest in the wreck that night. As what seemed like the whole hospital staff showed up to see the miracle recovery the brain doctors came along in the throng of folks all asking this and that medical questions. Nancy asked what happened to me, how did I get here and who are you, meaning me. Before I could answer with any more than my name, the neurosurgeons asked to speak with me in the hall. It was there that they explained about amnesia and the long, often never complete recovery from it! I felt that my time had been utilized to its maximum effect for Nancy’s sake, and that I had a job to protect and I would come back as my time allowed. Over the next few months I made many trips to see Nancy and never once letting on at the secret that I carried with me. Her physical recovery was agonizing and slow but was like a nitro methane dragster compared to the all but non-existent mental recovery and the countless hours of questions, about who is this what is that why them how come me!
Now I am not the quickest racer at the track but it was obvious to me that my involvement in Nancy’s life was time to end! At least in a day in day out se ya in the morning type of thing! So I allowed myself to drift away. And just become an old friend that was adding. Oh there were the occasional phone calls from her asking various things but I was out of the picture.
Fast-forward to that cold gray day last year, on the high wind swept plains of Eastern Wy. This story is but another chapter in the book called life. Of which I am glad every day to wake up and live, because when I see someone like Nancy who has had their past taken from them in but a blink of the eye, I know that I have to make the most of every day that I can still function. Yeah sometimes it gets old doing the lewy body shuffle but I am in charge here not the lack of dopamine that I am not so very fond of carrying around!
Live every day like tomorrow doesn’t matter. Never regret anything that made you smile and remember that in spite of what we think, the universe is unfolding as it should and will continue with out our help.
Blessed are the cracked for it is they that let in the light!
I was thirty years old the first time I truly had my heart broken. It was the winter of 2004; I was a graduate student at the time in my last semesters of school and dating a handsome doctor that I had met earlier in the year. My twin sister had gotten married that summer to a fabulous guy, and I thought that things were finally falling into place (romantically) for me as well. Unfortunately, I was optimistic about the relationship to the point of ignoring its glaring deficiencies, and I was devastated when he finally ended the relationship one morning as I left his house. It was a week before Christmas. I spent the first week or so in a state I call Peppermint Brain (because your brain is simultaneously numb and on fire) and trying unsuccessfully to throw myself into work and study to get my mind off of the heartache–oh, if only it were that easy. For the first time in my life I couldn’t eat; my family and friends watched as my pants started hanging off of my hips and my shoulders became got bony. I was utterly preoccupied with my misery. I couldn’t take a breath without it. Past conversations and what-if scenarios played on a constant-loop in my head. I was irritated with the “this too, shall pass” or the “you weren’t right for each other” encouragements. While I was in the thick of it, I believed that he was The One, I didn’t understand how these emotions could subside, and I desperately wanted out of the situation right then, right there–being heartsick really felt like an illness; I wanted to get better.
But I noticed something: I generally felt strong and clear-headed in the mornings. By sundown, though, I would be in a cloud of despair. But the simple recognition of the pattern–knowing that I would phase in and out of semi-normalcy–helped me get through the first couple of months. Music helped too, so did exercise and talking to my close friend over coffee. Having a good support system was very helpful to me, but so was the realization that I was the responsible for my experience. One evening, as I was spiraling down into that familiar darkness, I stopped. I walked into my bathroom and looked at myself in the mirror. I looked at myself–all tears and puffed eyes–with love and with sympathy. I picked up an eyeliner and I wrote myself a message on the mirror: Be Nice To Yourself. It was a simple mantra that reminded me to keep my body healthy and strong, and to eat good food even though I was alone in my apartment, but it also helped me to quiet the negative stories (i.e. you’ll never be loved, you’re worthless) that I was telling myself.
It wasn’t a cure-all; it took me a long time (a year?) to get over that relationship. But it helped me to treat myself better as I moved through the process. He came back eventually (and repeatedly), but I finally got the the place where couldn’t imagine being happy with him. I just couldn’t imagine it anymore. I wish him happiness and genuinely hope that he finds someone to spend his life with.
I have been put through the emotional wringer a couple of times with a couple of different men since then, and it never gets easier. But having a few tools in the toolkit–when does that ever hurt?
Can I say that I am absolutely blown away by the heart, courage, passion, and simple human goodness that is in each person’s story? These stories are incredibly moving and inspiring. I hope a zillion people read them. It will be so good for others to hear how each of you has taken on heartbreak (different kinds, in different ways) in a way that has kept your heart open and soft. It would be so easy to calcify and harden into some kind of bitterness.
Sari–thanks for learning to become a stronger advocate for yourself.
Liz–your voice is lovely and your commitment to self comes through. I also appreciate you pointing out that heartbreak can be just as devastating even when you know it’s for the best.
LLC–what a roller coaster ride you describe! And your willingness to hang in there for yourself and for your beloved comes through loud and clear.
Todd–How smart that you chose a creative outlet like writing to process through all your feelings. Here’s to you, once and future warrior!
Stephanie–It sounds like your breakup (horrible as it was) also pointed you in the direction of your spiritual path. I admire this so much; it is really the theme of my book that’s about to come out and you nailed it in your post.
H–How difficult it must be to process all the feelings of heartbreak when addiction is also involved. It’s hard enough without that! It must feel so disorienting, like what is me, what is him, what is the addiction? But it sounds like you’re hanging in there with all the questions to find healing for yourself.
Paul–Wow. What can I say? That is one amazing story. I really, really hope you’ll come back and post more. It is certainly unlike anything I’ve ever heard.
Suzanne–It’s so awesome that one part of you decided to tell the other part to be nice. Somewhere inside all the pain, confusion, shame, and self-doubt that comes with a breakup, the voice of sanity always remains. It sounds like yours writes in mirrors with eyeliner…
I’m in awe of each of you. Thank you so much for sharing your stories and please, please keep me (and all of us) posted. Love, Susan
Katie, Rebecca, Sari, Liz, LLC, Todd, Stephanie, H, Paul, Suzanne–you are the first 1o stories and so I will send you an autographed book when it comes out in January. Please email me your address: susan@susanpiver.com Thank you!
Hmmm I think I’m number 11 but I’ll share anyways.
1.My break up occurred 4 months ago and since that time, my primary emotions have been sadness, lonliness and hopelessness.
2.The last time I felt feelings such as these was never.
3.The thing that has been the most difficult for me since this relationship ended is getting over the fact that we won’t have our happily ever after like he had talked about so many times.
4.When I think about our break-up, the thought or thoughts that plagues me over and over is if we will ever get back together.
5.I feel the pain of this loss most acutely when I see pictures of us or at night when I have no one to share my day.
6.What I miss most about our relationship is looking forward to seeing him every weekend
7.What I don’t miss about our relationship is driving 2+ hours each weekend
8.The thing I regret most is being too needy sometimes
9.The unforeseen benefit of this break up is I have more time to do my own things.
10.If I could take him back right now, I would because I believe he is my soulmate and we would have a very happy life together
11.The most important thing others need to know about healing a broken heart is it does get better, even though I have days that I don’t think it will, slowly but surely it has gotten a little bit better. I just hope one day I have a wonderful, happily ever after story to share.
Kelly, thanks so much for posting. It very much sounds like you’re right in the midst of dealing with the heartbreak on a day to day basis. Four months is not very long! It IS so hard to lose your vision for the future, not to mention the one you thought was your soulmate. But hang in there. Heartbreak has so much to teach you about just how deeply you can feel things and how much you long to give your heart away to the right person. Knowing these things will make you a stronger, braver, kinder partner when you find the right person, whether or not he is the one who broke your heart or someone new.
And always remember: you will get past this and you WILL be OK.
Keep me posted. Please! Love, Susan
On my blog:Brave, honest stories of ppl dealing w/a broken heart.I cried, I laughed, I rejoiced in basic human goodness. http://bit.ly/1brlb
RT @spiver: On my blog:Brave, honest stories of ppl dealing w/a broken heart. http://bit.ly/1brlb
Please keep those heartbreak stories coming… Cathartic for writers (I feel) and v healing for readers… http://bit.ly/1brlb
It is utterly moving! _/\_ Excerpt fm The Wisdom of a Broken Heart by @spiver: http://bit.ly/2KehYd
1.My break up occurred today, officially, but I believe the beginning of the breakup started a few weeks ago. Aince that time, my primary emotions have been hurt, confusion, and concern (for my 6 year old son).
2.The last time I felt feelings such as these was when my exhusband told me he no longer loved me and left me and our 2 month old son. What I notice when I compare these two experiences is both men are somewhat similar, in regards to being emotionally withdrawn and VEYR unhappy with themselves.
3.The thing that has been the most difficult for me since this relationship ended is dealing with the guilt of breaking my son’s heart by bringing this man in our family and having it fail.
4.When I think about our break-up, the thought or thoughts that plagues me over and over is/are why did I choose him?
5.I feel the pain of this loss most acutely when I think about our past and our lovely times together.
6.What I miss most about our relationship is having him around. I really, genuinely like him.
7.What I don’t miss about our relationship is the lack of sex, affection and emotional withdrawls.
8.The thing I regret most is nothing. I try not to live my life with regrets and although my heart is broken I have learned so much about myself and my abilities because of this relationship… I wouldn’t change a thing.
9.The unforeseen benefit of this break up is I am getting closer to finding what I want.
10.If I could take him/her back right now, I would, but ONLY if he spent some serious quality time find his own happiness, getting over being a victim of his past choices and started living in the now and here’s why: because I think he is an amazing person.
11.The most important thing others need to know about healing a broken heart is time heals all.
My break up occurred 1 year ago (we were together 2 years/both in our 40s, my first time with a single mom and her often abrasive 18 yr old daughter…sheess…lack of respectful boundaries between mom and daughther which eventually drove me away) and since that time, my primary emotions have been loneliness, depression, and anger .
The last time I felt feelings such as these was when I in a romantic relationship in university (lasted only 3 months so was mostly infatuation). What I notice when I compare these two experiences is feeling hopeless and lonely_.
The thing that has been the most difficult for me since this relationship ended is _______.
When I think about our break-up, the thought or thoughts that plagues me over and over is/are regrets that i wasn’t more tolerant and honest and loving (esp to her kid) but she in the end told me that she ”never loved me”.
I feel the pain of this loss most acutely when I wake up in the morning or spend too much time alone.
What I miss most about our relationship is all the activities we did together: dinners, cooking, outdoor rec, movies, cuddling, making love..both the emotional and physical intimacy.
What I don’t miss about our relationship is her daughter’s rudeness and her tolerance of such (swearing at dinner table, insulting her mom in front of others, having mom do her school assignments for her…taking her mom for granted and then the mom allowing such…again boundaries).
The thing I regret most is being ‘nice’ too much (led to passive aggressiveness)…shutting down on my end sexually emotionally…she wasn’t a talker anyway in terms of issues and often didn’t want to ”go there”…in the end i realize i should have engaged more with ‘tough love’ ie, put my foot down in a more loving but direct way when the kid acted out rudely and also spent more time alone with the kid to win her trust…hey her dad was a ‘no show’ and so she had alot of anger towards guys and them taking away time from her mom…i should have made more efforts to open my heart by engaging her heart and showing her love…that i wanted not to be her dad or take away her mom but to be a friend to her…after we broke up 3 mo later i did send the daughter a ‘roots’ gift certificate and a copy of oprahs’ ”the things i know for sure” ..all about gratitude, being more loving to both oneself and to others…appreciating the relationship you have with your mom, paying attention to your thoughts etc etc…i loved that little booklet….wish i could have done these things when with her…but i still have anger, too, towards them both…so emotionally i’m ambivalent still.
The unforeseen benefit of this break up is me taking more responsibility for my happiness and self empowerment…scrutizining my own beliefs, expectations etc…ie i no longer believe in ‘forever’ (wayyy too much pressure and focus on the future)…it’s been both liberating and painful like snake shedding its no longer useful skin.
If I could take him/her back right now, I would/would not and here’s why….am unsure….would have to take things slowly and really talk…one part of me wants her in my life in some capacity still….felt she never really got over her ex having an affair with her and ending their 15 yr marriage (he wanted to go to counselling whereas she (in her stiff upper lip scottish manner of repressing emotions) didnt’….she could be cold at times…emotionally very tough to ‘read’…i always felt uneasy in that manner in not knowing if we were ‘in sync’ or not.
The most important thing others need to know about healing a broken heart is the fallacious saying ”time heals all wounds”: it doesn’t…instead is what you DO with the time….you can stay fixated on your loss and pain and build a shrine to your ex ’til the cows come home (have read of instances on just that, too)…you have to go inward and learn to TRULY get more in touch with who you are…heal, and start to plant your garden of self-love anew.
if i can add one more thing to what i’ve learned: is to really take your time getting to know your own needs, values etc….mother nature plays huge games in wanting us to hook up and procreate to extend the species (tons of chemicals kick off in our brains, alone with all the psychological unmet themes that get switched on, too)….lust, loneliness and the need for validation,…or status…or security…are powerful drivers towards mating…and in the end, not always the most reliable.
i wish i could ‘edit’ so not hog this space up with additional comments: but in how i felt at the breakup:first relieved then angry and sad…after the shock wore off that’s when i hurtled to hell…felt like that lost little 4 year old kid who felt abandoned and angry at the universe after his mom died…hopeless, estranged, unloved and alone…and very angry.
After 3 years:
1. My break up occurred 2 weeks ago and since that time, my primary emotions have been anxiety, fear for the future, guilt for showing anger and disappointment .
2. The last time I felt feelings such as these was never.
3. The thing that has been the most difficult for me since this relationship ended is being happy for the future and being proud of myself.
4. When I think about our break-up, the thought or thoughts that plagues me over and over are the things he said I did wrong. The fact that I got blamed for it all and he didn’t try at the end.
5. I feel the pain of this loss most acutely when I have something really good or really bad happen…I cannot share it with him now.
6. What I miss most about our relationship is his friendship and his interest in me.
7. What I don’t miss about our relationship is being summed up incorrectly and arguing over it.
8. The thing I regret most is getting angry with him.
9. The unforeseen benefit of this break up is I can have more time for myself.
10. If I could take him/her back right now, I don’t know if I would and here’s why: I don’t like his “victim” mentality and his blaming me. I don’t like his lack of effort and life of excuses. If he changed all that, I’d want to be with him.
11. The most important thing others need to know about healing a broken heart is…I honestly don’t know yet.
Thank you for this website. It has been one of the only helpful moments I have experienced so far. The video of “taking out the garbage” and wanting to sit alongside the garbage actually made me smile. Thank you.
Everyone has such personal stories and I did benefit from reading them. i don’t feel so alone and hopeless with this. I’d glad you all decided to share.
My break up occurred 5 years ago and since that time, my primary emotions have been hopelessness, unworthy, and fear of not being liked .
The last time I felt feelings such as these was when I left my parents home. What I notice when I compare these two experiences is that I get a tight hole in my chest vacuum me up.
The thing that has been the most difficult for me since this relationship ended is not been able to succeed in several things.
When I think about our break-up, the thought or thoughts that plagues me over and over is/are I am not able to do it again.
I feel the pain of this loss most acutely when I like someone but can’t reach them.
What I miss most about our relationship is the feeling of joy, sharing, producing, laughin.
What I don’t miss about our relationship is misundestandings.
The thing I regret most is not being -feeling- my worthiness.
The unforeseen benefit of this break up is not in pain because someone else.
If I could take him/her back right now, I would/would not and here’s why: was not sincere.
The most important thing others need to know about healing a broken heart is know its worthiness.
My break-up occurred almost 3 months ago. That was exactly one year after we started dating. I saw it coming, but always thought that things would get better, always tried to make them better. I have been through such painful experience once, and I recovered. I thought I had learn how to recover, but now, I am in the exact same situation.
Since it happened, I have wasted so much of my energy trying to find answers for why it happened, blaming her for dumping me and trying to understand her reasons, trying to find a way to stop all my negative thoughts. Throughout the relationship, I often felt compared to her idealized version of how should be her man. I realized (she actually told me) that she had expectations of someone different than me, someone who would be able to feed her with talks, stories, …. Actually, she wanted me to be like the one who broke her heart a few years back. At this moment, she is still grieving him. My confidence vanished little by little, I became even more introverted than I usually am, but I still loved her and I stayed, hoping that things would get better. It did not and she left me with the unbearable feeling of no being accepted, of not being good enough, of willing to change who I am.
I now feel a mix of different feelings: anger because I feel like I was played, eventhough I know that she truly believed we would work; jealousy when I think she could very well be with someone else already; sadness when I think about all our very intimate moments, when I think about the warmth of her body getting as close as possible to mine, when I think about us sharing our little secrets; loneliness because I have no one to tell my stories, no story to listen to, no one to share the different events happening in my life. What I don’t miss is always trying to compromise to suit her needs, and forgetting about my needs most of the time.
What really makes things worse is that I still see her on a regular basis. Then I feel all the negative feelings vanishing, I feel I still love her, and I feel a lot of frustration because I am not able to express my feelings. I don’t know how to face this. We still talk, but are very distant. I want to maintain a friendly relationship, but I think it’s because part of me still hopes we can get back together. I am scared of cutting loose because I might end up not willing to ever hear from her anymore (That’s how I reacted to a previous destructive relationship). I really don’t know what to do. I think if she asked me back, my instinct would tell me to take her back. But how could I trust her again, how could I feel good with her now that I feel “not good enough”?
What has kept me afloat is talking to my relatives and close friends. Never in the past had I opened my heart to them this way. And also my work. I like my work, even more now because I realize all the exciting opportunities I can get from it. And I capitalize on it, at least try to. I make projects about my future. I had accepted to sacrifice my work to follow her. I can now decide exactly what I want to do, where I want to go, who I want to work with. And without this break up, I would not have come to realize how lucky I am to have such work.
Ced, I am so grateful you shared this story. Thank you. It is so deeply painful not to be accepted for who you are, to try and try to meet someone’s expectations that you become different. And you still see her on a regular basis–that is so tough.
It is wonderful to read that you are opening your heart to relatives and close friends like never before. Even though a broken heart is one of the most painful things a person can every go through, it contains gifts. Just as you describe, your own heart opens to people with more depth and genuineness. When you get over your sad feelings (and you will, no matter how long it takes), this depth doesn’t have to disappear. You will be left with a greater capacity to love…
I wish you the best, from the bottom of my heart, Susan
My break up occurred 2 years and 8 months ago and since that time, my primary emotions have been anger, despair, and disbelief .
The last time I felt feelings such as these was when my oldest daughter was molested at the age of 5 (25 years ago) by a neighbor. What I notice when I compare these two experiences is the feelings of powerlessness and betrayal. I think the sense of powerlessness has been the most frightening, the way life can be so severely changed and being unable to do anything about it, and facing the fact that you cannot make another person love you, even though you are still desperately in love with him. The feeling of’ “this can’t be happening.”
The thing that has been the most difficult for me since this relationship ended is feeling okay as a divorced woman and regaining confidence in myself as a capable and lovable woman. I still have a lot of anger and grief.
When I think about our break-up, the thought or thoughts that plagues me over and over is/are that this wasn’t supposed to happen and that if only…(fill in the blank) we would still be together.
I feel the pain of this loss most acutely when I feel very alone and wish there was someone to take care of me for a change, or when I see other couples walking hand in hand or being loving to each other.
What I miss most about our relationship is the warm and fulfilling sex, and having someone I cared about to talk to at the end of the day.
What I don’t miss about our relationship is all the fights about money and unmet needs, and having to put up with unreliability and blame.
The thing I regret most is not seeing the writing on the wall when we first separated and he went on a dating site although we had agreed not to date others (we were still married). I should have faced the fact that he was no longer committed to the marriage.
The unforeseen benefit of this break up is changing careers- being able to go to Montessori teacher training in another state and work in alternative education that fits my values and beliefs. Also, becoming deeply involved in my Buddhist sangha.
If I could take him back right now, I would not and here’s why: he cheated on me, and the sense of betrayal was so devastating. Also- I have since realized that I spent many years propping him up and putting up with a lot of blame and projection on his part, and dealing with his unreliability in finances and inability to keep a job.
The most important thing others need to know about healing a broken heart is friends and family can be a true lifeline. It is crucial to know you are not alone, and to be told (even though you don’t believe it) that you will feel better and you will feel happy again someday.
Cathy, thank you so much for sharing your story with such honesty and clarity. Your pain comes screaming through and it is completely understandable. Of all the difficulties a person can suffer, I think that betrayal is the worst.
I suffered betrayal once, too. I was reading a book by Jean Houston and it contained this passage which has stayed with me every since.
Betrayal, of all the woundings that may be suffered by the soul, can be the greatest agent of the sacred. This wound has always had an awful and luminous quality surrounding it. It marks the end of primal, unconscious trust, and forces upon us those terrible conditions that accompany the taking of the next step… The condition of this trust has been a subtle and powerful binding that blocks the fullness of the greater consciousness needed to respond to new situations—situations that cannot be met within the old conditions. –Jean Houston, “The Search for the Beloved”
I found this helpful and even inspiring. I’m still not quite sure why, but I hope you will find it so as well.
Love, Susan
My heartbreak occurred on December 26, 2009 when I received a phone call from my boyfriend’s niece informing me that he had suffered a heart attack and passed away on Christmas Day. My primary emotions have been deep sadness, disbelief and the feeling I have been ripped off. I have never felt so much sadness and cannot believe the tears that fall just by simply looking at his photograph. We were only together for two short months, but were very comfortable and close from our very first date. We spent every weekend together and I envisioned we would be together for a very long time. The thing I find most difficult about this loss is hearing all the wonderful things he told people about me and how glad he was to have found someone special. I felt like we deserved each other because we both suffered through bad marriages and ended up raising our children without much, if any help. We had great appreciation and mutual respect for each other and connected on so many levels. I feel the pain of this loss when I think about my future without him and wonder about the lost possibilities. I miss his touch. I miss his sweet words of encouragement. I miss the way he looked at me. The thing I regret most is that I held back when I wanted to say “I love you” a few weeks ago. Instead, I had to post it on the website linked to his obituary. The only benefit I can take out of this experience is that I am so thankful for the time I had with him. It made me realize that I have so much to offer and I can make a difference in someone’s life.
Lisa, your story is just so crushing. I can’t imagine the shock and disorientation you must be feeling right now and there is nothing I or anyone can say to lessen the pain–but you can know that I (and anyone who reads your post) will open their heart to you and wish they could share some of your burden. Even though we can’t, in my experience, knowing that people care actually can help. And I/we do.
Sending you love and strength–Susan
My heartbreak occurred 2 years and 5 months ago when my husband died suddenly and unexpectedly. We had been separated for 2 years and were in the process of getting back together but were still living apart.
At the time the profound shock brought be directly in contact with each passing moment, fully present, awake and wide open. I deeply understood the teaching of suffering being in the grasping of past and future. For only in staying in each moment did I find refuge from the intense pain brought by memories of the past and the loss of the future I thought would be. During the two years we were apart, prior to his death, the suffering was in living with the hope of reconciliation , the wanting, the fear, the constant reminder of the rejection. But death is so final. Hope, fear, wanting all irrelevant. We had come full circle and both knew we wanted to try again… the love was still there. So in death he rejected life but not me.
Love lives on, I can wear my wedding ring, have his picture up and can keep the wedding photos… all these symbols of love that have to be buried when two people separate and divorce even if the love is still there… this was more painful in a way I can’t explain, I don’t wish him dead but the pain is somehow more bearable because I can go on loving him, openly, without regret or shame or question.
The unforeseen gift is that my heart broke me open to life. I have felt the depths of pain unimaginable and experienced a profound joy so expansive that I felt I couldn’t bear to contain it. I have learned to allow myself to howl like an animal when the pain hits and empty my soul to the kindly deaf shell of my car for this gives permission for my belly to let rip laughter to fill the emptiness. I no longer ’sweat the small stuff’ and simple pleasures like a tiny flower, a bird singing, my cat snoring, the road digger and the drone of traffic keep me awake to the gift of this moment, each moment that I am alive and grateful for every small blessing.
My grief is uncharted territory, I have no compass, no map, only the intimate knowledge that ‘this too shall pass.’
The thing that has been the most difficult for me since his death (and our break up) is negotiating my relationship with others, especially new people or people I don’t know that well. Dealing with their shock or discomfort is worse than dealing with my own! I find hard that it changes how they view/relate to me.
I feel the pain of this loss most acutely when I do something, go somewhere, listen to something that I would have automatically shared with him.
What I miss most about our relationship is the deep friendship and total knowing of each other- warts and all.
What I don’t miss about our relationship is all the drama that we went through due to his problems which broke us apart.
The thing I regret most is that we couldn’t say goodbye but otherwise I have none as there was little left unsaid between us.
The most important thing others need to know about healing a broken heart is to let your grief flow, allow it to take it’s time…. even a lifetime. Know that your grief is unique to you as your relationship was. There is no right or wrong way to grieve only your way. When we split a friend said to me ‘grieve now don’t bottle it up…. otherwise it will hit you later… a lot harder and you may not have the support you have now.’ I took this advice again when he died. She had lost her husband and didn’t take time to grieve and it hit her 10 years later when her friends and family couldn’t quite understand.
Go well and take refuge in each precious moment that life presents to you with courage.
Kamini
i don’t really do too well, in describing it as a story, and as what happened. its just a natural thing for me to go about it as a normal conversation. and technically, this isn’t a breakup story. its more of a heartache. we didnt technically breakup. we were never together. its just a long story of girl-meets-boy, girl falls to fast, girl gets heart crushed. here goes nothin!
i can’t believe you lied like that.
again.
i really, truthfully thought that you felt the way you said you did.
i’ve shown you so much love.
so much compassion.
and what do i get in return?
a couple of compliments and a handful of broken promises.
you’re one in a million, you know that?
you could fool anyone with that act.
you got me pretty good, i’ll admit.
twice.
so i suppose its not even really your fault is it?
isn’t that how it goes?
“fool me once shame on you, fool me twice shame on me?”
either way, the ridiculous part is that you made me love you.
even though it wasn’t real, not one bit.
you left me with the desire to love someone as “passionate” as you.
i’ve never felt that way before.
you’re emotions were so in depth and i loved that.
[[i want that.]]
more specifically, i want you.
how sad is that?
my mind is constantly worried about what you’re doing.
where you are.
who you’re with.
because i know that what you say to me and what you do,
are two COMPLETELY opposite things.
i dont understand why you have to lie.
i dont understand why you had to run away from this love the first time around.
i fell for you with everything i had.
and i crashed into the fucking ground when you took off.
you made me feel worthless.
and yet i still wanted you to come back and make it all better.
and of course you did.
but now we’re just stuck in this same situation.
only this time, i know better.
i’ll know better than to open up to some asshole who sounds like he means it when he says i’m beautiful.
i’ll know better than to care for someone as much as i did you, so that i don’t get my heart broken when you don’t return the favor.
you’ve made me a better person, you see?
what a wonderful piece of shit you really are!
i owe you now, don’t you think?
you’ve done me such a favor and i appreciate it.
i’ll have to show you that appreciation one day.
maybe over a cup of coffee?
we’ll see.
but in the meantime, thanks.
my life literally revolved around this person, and i cannot tell you, or emphasize how much i am thankful for your words and how you’ve helped me to realize that i can be happy with myself, no matter what goes on around me. thank you.
Michelle, this is all so intense. Understandably. Please keep me/us posted as you ride these crazy waves…
Sending love, love, love, Susan
Hi Susan
I filled out the questionnaire and found it very helpful. Then I shared it with the person I lost because reading some of the comments on this site reminds me how important it is to say something to the people in our lives if we still can.
I look forward to reading your book and sharing it with my clients.
Warmly,
Marlise
I fell in love at a mature age with a woman who was the most perfect fit of anyone I’ve ever met. The structures of her being exactly fit the contours of my desire. We were so happy together that I am still in a state of shock that it is ended. The best of times, the same liberal politics, the same cultural capital to share. She was loving, generous and affectionate and sexually exquisite.
I am a survivor of child sex abuse. I was in therapy for that through the four years of cohabitation and the following five years of sustaining a relationship while living apart. She felt abandoned when I left and I never did abandon her: always there when wanted, always in touch and always prepared to compromise my needs for what we needed.
While we were cohabiting I would from time to time complain, and always with decency and respect, about other men in her life, often professional colleagues, who were aggressive, rude and competitive to me. She always responded that I was suffering delusions, that my concerns were associated with a lack of trust subsequent to my childhood experiences. This seemed reasonable to me, she made a plausible case, and so I trusted someone with the most intimate knoweldges of me. Trusted like never before on the assumption that no-one would deceive on that basis and certainly not someone who was so patently happy to have me in her life. It was so easy to trust her.
But I made a mistake and shouldn’t have trusted her. The details of how I realised the truth are too grim for this site and I cannot really bear to write them anyway as it is too painful and too humiliating. The truth sets you free, alright, but it can send you to the pitts of hell in the process. As someone who had never previously built anything interpersonal on a foundation of love I felt as if my entire existence had been utterly destroyed at a single blow.
We lived apart after that so I could have what I thought would be a safety margin but I could not stop loving her. She was my sun and moon, the stars and the four winds for me. In common psychotherapeutic parlance I had formed a ‘betrayal bond’ with her. That thinking, however, is not for this site. My love was stong, enduring, patient, gentle and respectful and absolutely to no avail.
The final break, a week ago, was for me a mere matter of survival. I would allow myself to love her still if I could detect a scintilla of honesty and integrity in her but, alas, no such luck. I will never take her back. I learned about what Pema Chodron termed (after some other dharma teacher) “idiot compassion” which means loving another too well in order to protect them from the lessons they need to learn on their own terms.
These days I direct the fierce love of others into my work which is in child protection. I’ve returned to the dharma with great energy and live in hope that I will find the love I deserve, that this terrible loneliness will pass, that I may once again laugh with another so much thatI cry tears of joy.
Advice for others: I guess it is that you have only the choice of exploring fully and being with your deepest of pain until it becomes a respected part of you.
susan: ordered your book this afternoon. Thank you for addressing the subject.
1. My break up occurred 3 and a half months ago and since that time, my primary emotions have been: tremendous sadness, overwhelming sense of shame and regret, grief, loneliness, and a sense that not much else really matters, except having a strong, loving relationship.
2. The last time I felt feelings such as these was when Bob and I split up about 11 years ago. What I notice when I compare these two experiences is: I am more mature/older, and I understand better (intellectually) how to cope with this, but emotionally, I am not sure I am coping any better; I am so deeply wounded.
3. The thing that has been the most difficult for me since this relationship ended is being alone overseas, having him end the relationship so quickly after my departure, and then having him take up with someone else, within 6 weeks of my departure, and now to announce, just 4 and a half months after I left, that he is engaged to be married.
4. When I think about our break-up, the thought or thoughts that plagues me over and over is/are : why wasn’t I/ aren’t I good enough? Am I capable of having someone I love love me back? What is wrong with me that I can’t make a relationship I really want work?
5. I feel the pain of this loss most acutely at night, when I feel terribly alone, and sometimes when trying to practice loving kindness.
6. What I miss most about our relationship is intimacy, but especially the feeling of really being in love, the “security” of a relationship.
7. What I don’t miss about our relationship is the silence, lack of communication, and moments of alienation.
8. The thing I regret most is my anger, impatience, frustration and overwhelming obligation with aspects of our life together, primarily taking care of the kids. .
9. The unforeseen benefit of this break up is — sorry I haven’t really seen it yet, though it might be the freedom that I experience not having the burdens of taking care of his three kids.
10. If I could take him/her back right now, I would and here’s why: I love him.
11. The most important thing others need to know about healing a broken heart is: I am not really sure, but maybe the importance of hanging on for the sake of your own children, or perhaps the importance of loving yourself fully before loving another person
1. My break up occurred 4 months ago and since that time, my primary emotions have been longing, misery, and anger. The anger (a feeling of betrayal) is the worst.
2. The last time I felt feelings such as these was when another relationship broke up in 2002. What I notice when I compare these
two experience is the earlier breakup was the worst breakup I’ve ever had, even though I loved this man much, much more.
3. The thing that has been the most difficult for me since this relationship ended is believing I will ever love like this again, or be as happy as I was with him.
4. When I think about our break-up, the thought or thoughts that plagues me over and over is Does he really never plan to see me again? I can’t believe it’s over for good; I keep thinking we’ll work it out. Which I guess means I’m in denial.
5. I feel the pain of this loss most acutely when oh, all the time! When I think about the future I thought we might share.
6. What I miss most about our relationship is the way he looked at me, like I was kind of a wonder to him. Our rapport, and the fact that we liked a lot of the same authors. The terrible puns. The sweet comments he left on my facebook profile. The fact that I made him laugh. The way he was so passionate and loving.
7. What I don’t miss about our relationship is I’m not sure. I was very happy.
8. The thing I regret most is I triggered the fight that led to our breakup.
9. The unforeseen benefit of this break up is I’ve gotten very good at yoga!
10. If I could take him/her back right now, I would and here’s why: No one has ever made me so happy, and I’ve never loved or respected or felt so understood by anyone. Jane Eyre says to Mr. Rochester “You suit me to the very finest fibre [sic] of my nature.” That’s how I felt about him.
11. The most important thing others need to know about healing a broken heart is (as you write in your book) sometimes sex (not with your ex!) helps. And that time is the only real healer, unfortunately. But if you’re absolutely hysterical, some anti-anxiety meds should keep you from complete meltdown.
My breakup occurred one year ago when my wife of 17 years told me that she was moving back to her native country. She said she still loved me but that she never really felt at home in America and felt as if she had lost her identity. I was, and still am, devastated. I thought that time would ease the pain that I feel, but it hasn’t. The old Ray Charles song keeps playing in my head “they say that time heals the broken heart; but time has stood still since we’ve been apart”. I think that I could accept her leaving if we were fighting all the time but that was never the case. I have never felt so alone, sad and abandoned in my life and it seems to be getting worse. I also have alternating feelings of anger, guilt & betrayal. I miss the intimacy, companionship and friendship so much. People tell me that they know how I feel, but I think that nobody else has ever felt as much pain as I have. I cannot imagine ever finding someone that I could ever be as close to as I was to her. Even when I am with friends I still have that emptyness in my heart. It’s as though I have lost a limb. I am trying meditation and have been working with your book and it has helped for a while, and then I get stuck again in a downward spiral of grief. I just want the hurt to stop.
Ron, although I don’t know how you feel, I can tell what you feel because it comes wailing through your words. I know it’s impossible to believe that you will feel better someday (and no one can tell you when that someday will come), but you will. I’m not suggesting that you’ll get over this and forget about it–just that your experience will somehow be incorporated into the fabric of your life. I hope that doesn’t sound trite, I mean it to be anything but.
When (if) there are moments of sense pleasure in your day–whether they come from things you see, taste, smell, hear, or touch–try to pause and take refuge in their beauty. No person, thought, or activity can change what you’re going through, but the beauty of our world is still there. Sometimes the best we can do is appreciate it and borrow from its elegance for a little while.
I truly, deeply wish you all the solace you could ever need. Susan
Susan, I heard you on Sydney (australia) radio last night. I was having another sleepless night and fate sent your interview to me. I have/had the most wonderful best friend and lover for 14 years and then he decided that he wanted to explore the excitement of younger women. I was am still am devastated, he still rings me every day but will not be seen in public with me. We only meet at my place or his house. He cannot leave me and wants the best of 2 worlds, I am so in love that I cannot give him the ultimatum that he needs. How stupid I am and how desparate to see him I am. I feel that I have lost all my self respect and just seem to sit and wait for the scaps that he throws me. The younger women have reaped the rewards of my love and adoration of this man. I do not know where to turn or what to do. I am at a complete loss of my whole life andmy future. I do not know where to turn. He wants me around in order to have the best of both worlds and stupid me is always available. I love him but dislike myself intensely.
1. My divorce was in the works for over a year– but its been a little over 6 months since we parted. Since that time, my primary emotions have been fear, grief, and guilt.
2. I am not sure that I have ever really felt anything like this – but the closest experience was a family loss . What I notice when I compare these two experiences is a feeling of abandonment and feeling unlovable.
3. The thing that has been the most difficult for me since this relationship ended is forgiving myself. With my own self-esteem shattered, I have taken on all of the blame in a situation that is not all of my fault. I play scenarios over and over in my head wishing I had a 2nd chance.
4. When I think about our break-up, the thought or thoughts that plagues me over and over is/are that he may move on and I will feel as if it was ME that was the problem…. And I am plagued by the fear that I will never get over this… I cannot accept the changes in my life.
5. I feel the pain of this loss most acutely when I think of times he made me happy and of the events I am no longer a part of.
6. What I miss most about our relationship is the way we lived easily together…the friendship….
7. What I don’t miss about our relationship is the way he made me feel as if I was not a top priority…. the fights… the feelings of insecurity and jealousy.
8. The thing I regret most is not being more appreciative or dealing with problems much earlier.
9. The unforeseen benefit of this break up is ??? I am not sure. I am not there yet. I’d like to think it will someday mean a greater happiness will come into my life.
10. If I could take him/her back right now, I would/would not and here’s why: I think there is a place in me that knows this is maybe what needed to happen.. but I am not able to accept it yet.. and if he wanted me back – I know I would consider it. Right or wrong.
11. The most important thing others need to know about healing a broken heart is to know when to ask for help. I am going through some of the darkest days I have ever experienced. I cry all of the time. Everything I do, see, or hear brings up a memory. I torture myself… and often feel so hopeless and out of control. But I knew enough to seek out professional help when it became apparent that I needed it. Also – the feelings of grief are not just an indication of how much you loved or still love the person. It is really about so much more – fear, change, multiple losses, self-esteem, etc. Don’t judge yourself.
Oh, Elizabeth. This sounds so incredibly painful. When a relationship has no form, it is devastating. Of course you would be confused, needy, wanting his love, and getting mad at yourself for all of this. This is so completely understandable and human. The best thing I can offer, and maybe you’ve already discovered this, is to practice the very difficult task of trying to remain still in the eye of the hurricane you find yourself in. I know that may sound ridiculous. I don’t mean to try to put your wild emotions aside, more to make room to feel them. Meditation practice is so helpful here–it teaches you exactly how to do that. Here is a link to instruction on my site, in case you want to try it: http://susanpiver.com/meditation_resources.htm#meditation
Or, if you already have a practice, I would like to offer encouragement to take refuge in it. All the wisdom and strength you need are already within you. This will sort itself out. Please try to be gentle toward yourself. Wishing you all the strength and love you need!!
Please keep me/us posted–
Susan
Elizabeth { 05.03.10 at 6:00 am }
Susan, I heard you on Sydney (australia) radio last night. I was having another sleepless night and fate sent your interview to me. I have/had the most wonderful best friend and lover for 14 years and then he decided that he wanted to explore the excitement of younger women. I was am still am devastated, he still rings me every day but will not be seen in public with me. We only meet at my place or his house. He cannot leave me and wants the best of 2 worlds, I am so in love that I cannot give him the ultimatum that he needs. How stupid I am and how desparate to see him I am. I feel that I have lost all my self respect and just seem to sit and wait for the scaps that he throws me. The younger women have reaped the rewards of my love and adoration of this man. I do not know where to turn or what to do. I am at a complete loss of my whole life and my future. I do not know where to turn. He wants me around in order to have the best of both worlds and stupid me is always available. I love him but dislike myself intensely.
Dear Marie,
Thank you so much for having the courage to tell your story. And your advice about not judging yourself is so, so important. I hope you are doing well at forgiving yourself. It is amazing how much shame and remorse can come up, and to a degree you wouldn’t have thought possible. But it also sounds like your natural wisdom and clarity are still there, completely intact. What you’ve written will be very helpful to others.
How are you doing these days? Please keep me posted.
Sending much love, Susan
1. My break up occurred 11 months and 5 days ago and since that time, my primary emotions
have been depression, loneliness, and anxiety .
2. The last time I felt feelings such as these was when: never as strong as now.
3. The thing that has been the most difficult for me since this relationship ended is to value myself.
4. When I think about our break-up, the thought or thoughts that plagues me over and over is/are
,WHY, why wasn’t our love enough, why did he seem to give up so easily, why is his job more important than his (and my) happiness.
5. I feel the pain of this loss most acutely when I just think of him, people mention him, or when I’m reminded of him.
6. What I miss most about our relationship is the deep and special bond we shared and our good laughs.
7. What I don’t miss about our relationship is his lack of time and energy for me because he’s overwhelmed by work (I’m convinced he is a workaholic).
8. The thing I regret most is that I lost myself and all of my self esteem.
9. The unforeseen benefit of this break up is that I don’t have to wait for him to have time for me anymore.
10. If I could take him back right now, I would not and here’s why: He’s in a state where he’s totally overwhelmed by work, work is his No1 priority and I can’t do anything to change that.
11. The most important thing others need to know about healing a broken heart is I don’t know yet, I’m still learning myself.
A few days ago I was enjoying the sun in my garden. Then the neighbour cat jumped into my garden, came up to me and just lay down next to me enjoying the sun. It was a very special and peaceful experience.
The next day I sat down in the garden again and I after I’ve been sitting there for a while I noticed I was a little restless and slightly disappointed… I was hoping for the cat to be there again but he wasn’t there!
I realized that – instead of valuing the beautiful and unique moment with the cat yesterday – I wanted more and consequently was disappointed.
This made me think of my relationship; here too I almost forgot about the unique and beautiful moments I did have and instead I lost myself in emotions of anger, guilt, disappointment, depression etc.
Well to be honest all these emotions are still with me most of the day but thinking about our neighbour’s cat I also sometimes manage for a few moments to be happy and grateful for the beautiful and unique moments that I did share with my ex partner.
My break up occurred a year ago (9 year relationship) and since that time, my primary emotions have oscillated over the past year: Sadness, abandonment, rejection, betrayal, devalued, anger, desolation, terror, disappointment and deprivation. Today, I am sad, disappointed and at times fearful.
The last time I felt feelings such as these, was never really. Not this intense anyhow.
The thing that has been the most difficult for me since this relationship ended has been seeing him each day at work holding my heart in my hands waiting for it to heal and watching him move on and on and on dating other co-workers and now falling in love with a girl he met online.
When I think about our break-up, the thought or thoughts that plagues me the most oscillate as well. I have ruminated about what I did wrong, what a shitty boy friend he was, how much I still love him, blah blah. Right now I am mostly haunted by thoughts of him with this new person and how perfect life is for “them”…which of course is not helpful nor is it authentic! Darn demons!
I feel the pain of this loss most acutely snapping awake at 3 AM and when I get up in the morning to go to work.
What I miss most about our relationship is the lovemaking, connection, companionship, friendship, family and his nieces and nephew. Oddly, sometimes I don’t miss anything at all.
What I don’t miss about our relationship is his self-absorption, his insensitivity to my needs and feelings, his emotional problems- OCD, anxiety, depression; his laziness and constant devaluing of me.
The thing I regret most is: I cannot say that I really regret things as much as I have learned from them. Regretting keeps me in my head in the past. Learning keeps me in the moment and moving forward.
The unforeseen benefit of this break up is that I have evolved. I have learned to balance my life and to not overextend myself caring for others. I have truly learned to take care of myself. I am happy within myself, not outside myself. The loss has unearthed my vulnerability and it softened me and it’s motivated me to want to be a better person.
If I could take him/her back right now, I would not. What made being in relationship with him so painful were his self-absorption and insensitivity and that has not changed. If anything, it has gotten worse. And I can never be with anyone like that ever again.
The most important thing others need to know about healing a broken heart is that The Loving Kindness Meditation is really helpful. I have found compassion and forgiveness for us both in this practice. And that giving love to others is healing as well. I started doing some volunteer work back in January and it has been soooooo helpful!
I just had a thought I would like to share with others. Susan talks about different ways to handle strong waves of emotion and one of them being able just sit with an uncomfortable feeling, honoring it, timing it and seeing how long it takes to pass and how far apart they
are. Kind of like contractions when a woman is giving birth.
Somehow if I think of these emotions or “contractions” as me giving birth to myself I feel hopeful when they show up. Will be my goal for the weekend!
My break-up happened exactly 5 months ago today. Yes, that was New Years Day. My boyfriend of over a year, whose family I had JUST hosted in my home right after Christmas, met a teenager ( a 12th grader) whom he must have decided would be a more suitable girlfriend than I. Only, he didn’t bother to tell me this piece of information. When he called me on New Years Day to break up with me, he told me he wanted to break up because we didn’t see each other enough. He had just stood me up the night before, yes, New Years Eve. This obviously made no sense at all so I asked him what was really going on, to which he replied “nothing.” He then said to me, the person he just spent an entire year of his life with, and lived with for 5 months of that time, “is that it? Do you have anything here? Did I leave anything there?” I was so shocked by his callousness and disrespect that I hung up on him. He then immediately deleted me from his Facebook friends and updated his relationship status to be “in a relationship” with the 12th grader. I only found out about her through a mutual friend. I was so stunned I didn’t know what to do, think, say, or feel. To think that the man I loved so deeply and truly and had just spent an amazing Christmas with had been lying to my face the entire time, with his family in tow? Really? Who does that? He met her two weeks before Christmas and was carrying on a flirtation with her all the while he was carrying on as usual with me.
After all this happened, I sent him an e-mail asking how we could have come to such a heinous end. I begged him to tell me what happened to us. How could we go from picking out names for children at the beginning of December to him throwing me away like a piece of trash? I just didn’t get it. It took him a week to reply, and when he did, he pretty much blamed everything on me. I didn’t want to believe that he was really such a monster, but he really is.
I opened my home to him, supported him for months when he moved up here and couldn’t find a job, and loved him truly, deepy, and unconditionally. To be treated the way he treated me made me feel like a fool. He used me. I have been struggling so very hard these past 5 months to simply live my life every day. The anger, betrayal, consuming sadness, rage, jealousy, and at times, defeat have been more than anyone should ever have to bear. I briefly considered suicide. If I didn’t love my parents so much and fear what it would have done to them, I probably would have done it. My feeling is that if I can live to be 41 years old and still be silly enough to fall head over heels in love with someone who was simply using me, then what else in this life do I have to look forward to? More of the same?
I have come a long way in these 5 months. I still cry every now and then, and I still think about what he did and how he treated me, every day, many times a day. Mostly I think about how he has simply moved along to happiness with the 12th grader, without as much as an “I’m sorry” to me. I don’t understand how anyone can be so cruel to another person, let alone someone you’ve spent a year of your life with.
The hardest part of the whole thing has been that I have felt so alone the entire time. My friends and family all know me to be such a strong person that I believe it made them uncomfortable to see me in such a state. All I really wanted was for someone to hug me and wipe my tears away and tell me I was going to be ok. But I had no one to do that.
The most helpful thing for me has been running. I trained for and ran a 10k on nothing other than energy fueled by rage. Many days I sobbed as I ran. I still do sometimes. I sob for my broken heart, I sob because I was so foolish, and I sob for the loss of what felt like a true and wonderful friendship in addition to being a romantic relationship. I have tried to convince myself many times that the person I knew has simply died. This makes it a little easier sometimes, but ultimately I know better and the relief never lasts too long.
The weirdest emotion is just feeling so darned violated. I wouldn’t want anything to do with him ever again after seeing what he’s capable of, and the way he treated me the way he did and used me the way he did. The fact that when he was here in my home with his family, looking me in my face telling me how much he loved me, sleeping with me, collecting his gifts, and watching me play hostess, all the while knowing he had no plans to ever see me again…it just makes me sick. I alternate between wanting revenge/justice and just wanting to forget it all.
I don’t know how I will ever truly get past it, but I am taking one day at a time, and doing the best I can.
I was so moved by your words, Susan, that I felt compelled to share my story. I have been considering meditation for a while now, and am now committed to making a dedicated effort. I have found that I am longing for some form of healing, belonging, and peace. I believe I will find it through meditation. I have also ordered your book and cannot wait to read it. I will follow every last word af advice, as I can tell you have experienced this most horrible of feelings, and I am hoping it won’t be too much longer before I can wake up in the morning and NOT think about him. Oh,what a glorious day that will be.
1. My break up occurred 2 month ago and since that time, my primary emotions have been sadness, emptiness, and _confusion .
2. The last time I felt feelings such as these was when i was young and didn’t know what love really was. What I notice when I compare these two experiences is I am feeling this on a much deeper adult level.
3. The thing that has been the most difficult for me since this relationship ended is missing him, sharing my day with him, hugging him, laughing with him.
4. When I think about our break-up, the thought or thoughts that plagues me over and over is it doesn’t have to be difficult. we got along so well and never argued. Our connection was admittedly the best either of us had ever felt for another
5. I feel the pain of this loss most acutely when I wake up, when i go to sleep.
6. What I miss most about our relationship is laughing with him, sharing the same interests, feeling close to him.
7. What I don’t miss about our relationship is nothing.
8. The thing I regret most is nothing. I don’t have regrets. I can’t change anything
9. The unforeseen benefit of this break up is I am not sure what the reason is. I don’t understand how if two people have an unbelievable connection and passion for one another it could end.
10. If I could take him/her back right now, I would and here’s why: I have never had this type of connection with anyone. We can be our complete selves around each other. There was no worries or lack of trust complete loyalty to him. He made me feel happier then anyone else.
11. The most important thing others need to know about healing a broken heart is take it one day at a time. If you think about what will happen tomorrow it will only worry you more
1.My break up occurred almost six weeks ago and since that time, my primary emotions have been sadness, self loathing, regret, and confusion.
2.The last time I felt feelings such as these was never before.
3.The thing that has been the most difficult for me since this relationship ended is not thinking about him; everything reminds me of him. So many songs we listened to together, movies we watched together and discussed, places we’ve been to and I want to get rid of all the clothes I wore while I was with him (but then I would be left with very little to wear..) because it reminds me of all the good moments and then I just cry.
4.When I think about our break-up, the thoughts that plagues me over and over is: Why? What did I do wrong that he just abandoned me without explanation? How could he be so cruel all of a sudden?
5.I feel the pain of this loss most acutely when I am awake. And even in my sleep my mind can’t let go of him because I dream about him.
6.What I miss most about our relationship is his presence, his voice, his sweetness, his sweet words, the fun we had and how good he made me feel.
7.What I don’t miss about our relationship is his laziness.
8.The thing I regret most is that I was whining too much.
9.The unforeseen benefit of this break up is that I lost weight since he dumped me. Hurrah for loss of appetite.
10.If I could take him back right now, I would and here’s why: I miss him terribly and I felt like we were so right for each other.
11.The most important thing others need to know about healing a broken heart is that it is so hard to do. This is the most painful time I have ever had to go through in my life. Every second of every day reminds me of the fact that he does not want to be with me anymore and that he has probably moved on perfectly by now and is happily together with someone else. Nothing can stop these thoughts. All I can say is that you have to be kind to yourself, especially when you feel like no one will ever love you again like he did. Try to fill that void yourself. I am far from healed right now but I will try to have faith that someday I will be.
For the last five months I’ve struggled with sadness, intense pain, stress, exhaustion, fear or anger in varying degrees and complicated combinations. Five months ago, my husband told me he didn’t want to try anymore. I said let’s go to counseling, he stood there looking at me, saying nothing. Then with my prompting, he said, “I don’t want to do this anymore.”
A month later he sent me an email that his mother was going to help him move out on Valentine’s Day weekend, the weekend I was taking my kids to New Orleans for a milestone family birthday, the weekend of my baby’s first birthday.
Recently, I’ve seen my sadness magnified in both low and high culture, great literature, The Joy Luck Club I was reading with my high school senior students and in the soaps Vickie and J.T.’s divorce on Young and the Restless. I’ve sought wisdom from The Bible and from Buddhist monk, Thich Nant Tanh. I’ve sought clarification from divorced and single friends. I’ve written in my journal, screamed in my car, cried to my mom and talked with friends.
He left me with a million emotions, duties, disappointments, a baby who had just turned one and a six year old with a half million emotions of his own. My mothering load (given that my immediate family lived in different states) instantly multiplied and at times seemed impossible. One morning, a week or so into the separation, I sat on the toilet and the weight of being alone with two boys seemed to anchor me to the porcelain fixture. When my baby cried, I was shaken awake and realized I wasn’t allowed to sink down a drain of depression.
When my six- year old cried, and asked “why does it have to be this way,” I felt like my children’s father had thrown our hearts onto the ceramic tile floor and laughed as the contents spilled into the grout lines.
I had to get up; I had to get my son back.
I remembered my own mother’s foray in getting my brother and me to express our feelings (through writing) after my parents divorced. I found a small journal which became an outlet for my son to express complicated emotions. He was free to say mean words about his father and confess, “I hurt.”
I say mean things about his father, except not in front of my two boys. I also admit the relationship was going downhill from before our wedding date. I was never totally happy. I simply tried to make myself content because he was a good man. I taught myself to believe soul mates didn’t exist, love was what you made it, arranged marriages were ingenious because you weren’t blinded by romantic feelings—you were aware that you didn’t know what you were getting, but you chose to, learned to love.
However, despite my honesty about the relationship, it was still my relationship. He was still my husband and his leaving hurt.
Somewhere, this strength to keep moving, to keep managing this household, managing my own emotions as well as my child’s emotions, is placed in my body, in my heart each night. I read, pray, write in my own journal, cry, talk to my friends and family, find something to smile about (mostly my kids), drink wine, and stop crying. And then I cycle back through all of these things again and again.
Jude, thank you so much for your story, and for so aptly demonstrating that heartbreak itself is not completely solid–there are gaps when you feel that your heart is not broken, even on the worst days. It sounds like you are looking closely at your experience and I have no doubt that you will emerge stronger and softer than before. And I love that you have learned value yourself more. And I love that the loving kindness practice helped you! That is awesome. Stay in touch– xoxo S
Glenda. I was so, so moved by your story. You were really betrayed. It is unspeakably painful when someone you love betrays you so egregiously. I am sorry you have to go through this. But I can tell by your “voice” that even though it is very, very painful, you are committed to facing your situation. I believe from the bottom of my heart that meditation practice can be your best support for this. And I love it that you have channeled so much into running. That is really, really smart.
I’m sorry it took me this long to respond and I do hope that if you read my and questions arise, you’ll come back and ask me. I promise to respond sooner. xoxo S
TIffany, I can hear the shock of loss in your email and that awful question: why? It is so hard to be left with all this confusion and, of course, longing for this person. If there is anyway you can look at this brokenhearted TIffany with kindness and compassion, that would be great. There is so much more to you than being a brokenhearted one.
If you have my book, I suggest the “Act Like a Queen” exercise. I think might help. I certainly hope it will. Please keep me posted in any case. WIshing you love– xoxo S
Tiff, I have have complete faith that you will feel better. You are in such early days of this breakup. Believe me, these are the toughest days. As time progresses, even though it may feel like 2 steps forward, 1 step back, you will gradually (or quickly-who knows?!) find balance. Please, please let me know if there is any way I can help. xoxo S
Yvie, I can almost feel exactly what you felt at the time of this writing because your words are an elegant, soulful, beautiful description of exactly what heartbreak feels like and the realities so many people must balance. It also touches me very much that you went through as a child what your kids are going through now. At the same time, you sound strong–and part of your strength is that you recognize that it’s a cycle and that what you feel today, you might not feel tomorrow. I really wish that all the support of the whole universe would come to the aid of you and your children. Please keep me posted. xoxo S
This is our second break-up. It was yesterday, almost a year to the day that we met. For the first 8 months or so it was a completely perfect romantic comedy romance. Total magic. We’re talking fireflies, starry skies, dancing at jazz clubs, googly eyes, hysterical declarations of lifetime commitment, soulful and generative lovemaking, weeks and months and hours of a conversation that never ceased to be rich, exciting, literary, funny, affectionate, sexy, revealing, and revelatory.
I’ve had one other big love before, and we broke up after our incompatibility forced the long slow death knell of our partnership. But this new relationship…it showed me what compatibility looked like. We were temperamentally, vocationally, energetically, spiritually, and intellectually matched…or so it seemed. In the early weeks, when he said that we were “insanely well-matched,” I never could have guessed how foreboding was his invocation of insanity.
There were always things that worried me–he seemed a bit immature, I noticed he overdrank at times, he lacked discipline with his doctoral work at an astonishing level (I could not understand how he had gotten so far in his program). He had gotten a divorce right before he met me but reassured me the problems were all over for him. Anything that my heart or gut felt restless about, I rationalized: No one is perfect. Everyone has issues. We are in our thirties. Super-smart people are complicated. I know I am ready for this, and he tells me he is too, and we get through bickering and bigger impasses with aplomb. No way was I gonna walk away from this one. I had Thanksgiving with his family; he had two weeks at Christmas with mine. My parents loved him, though my dad said something truly and creepily intuitive: “I fear it’s too good to be true, kid.”
Well folks, Father knows best.
By mid-February I discovered with no small amount of trauma and shock and denial and bargaining that my perfect paramour had slept with five girls, two unprotected, during our relationship. He had posted around 60 lurid Craigslist ads looking to seduce and flirt pornographically online. He sent pictures I took of him on our vacations out as his profile shots. He copy-and-pasted sexy emails that he had composed for me to around a hundred anonymous women. He continued doing this at a compulsive rate after I started discovering these things. Over a series of obsessed Nancy Drew clue-hunts, I discovered that throughout his marriage he had offered up his home to group sex scenes when his wife was not home, planned to participate in “gangbanging” a bound-and-gagged prostitute, etc. And then he wrote me a letter saying that it was all my fault because I had loved him too much–given too much–talked about the future too much–availed myself to him too much–been too willing to forge a commitment that was grounded in adult honesty and kindness–that I was marred by codependence and a flair for drama–that all of our plans and hopes had been empty pillow-talk. He said, “I wish I’d had the courage to end it sooner.” I was, as you can imagine, distraught on a level that has scarred my subconscious. I have experienced sexual violence in the past and I felt raped all over again. But this time, by someone I had given my soul to. He had assured me he would never endanger me, and then suddenly I was running around town desperately getting tested, catatonic, helpless, lost, pain-ridden. None of it computed in my brainspace, what. So. Ever. Who the hell is this person? How could he do this? What is he? He was always so gentle. So spiritual. So sweet. So supportive. And a monster with a secret life and a violence fetish.
Dear reader. Kindly fast forward three months. I’d been following all the lovingkindness instructions I could dig up. I’d been reading Thich Nhat Hahn, Sakyong Jamgon Mipham Rinpoche, and of course Susan Piver. I’d been cycling through my personal formula for forgiveness: compassion, acceptance, humility, and release. I’d been running, doing yoga, staring at candles, crying when I needed to, accepting my sadness. I was still struggling to understand or accept the reality of what he is and that the man I fell in love with was an intentional construction, an illusion. I’d been trying to feel grateful, because you know, as people LOVE to remind me, “it could have been worse.” And…I did feel compassion for him. I’m in a 12-step program, sober 4 years, and I know what it is like to be out of control and selfish and destructive and stuck in narcissism and dysfunctional cycles of self-victimization.
So what did I do? I started talking to him again. At first slowly. I wanted to know if he was healing at all. If he was going to his 12-step meetings; seeing a therapist; working on the drinking; filling his time with something other than porn and anonymous dalliances. I wanted to know if the most severe interpersonal violation of my life had been in vain. And because my lovingkindness and compassion exercises had been so goddamn thorough and genuine, I found myself advising him on early sobriety. I found myself listening. I found my twisted hopes resurrecting from the mists of dogs better left sleeping. And we started talking more. And then we skyped. And texted. And skyped some more. Luckily (oh my God–perhaps monotheists are onto something) (thank you, thank you to this guardian God) I was soon off to summer fieldwork in Indonesia, and (God, Goddess, Gaia, Ganesh, thank you!!) I did not reunite with him in person for sessions of fraught lovemaking and endangerment.
But Skype works just fine in Indonesia, of course, so we re-engaged. Our rapport is such that we can dally and giggle for three hours in fantasyland as if no time as passed, and we explored his various pathologies and treatment plans ad infinitum, and our chemistry grew in tandem with the hours spent talking and chortling through the computer screens. I tell you, that relationship regenerated like a severed lizard’s tail. We were careful: no talk of the future this time. No sexual indiscretions, except for that one time I took my clothes off in front of the laptop camera. We practiced rigorous honesty. He was in touch with his sponsor. We meditated on impermanence, pondered love and loyalty, questioned the realities of redemption and personal transformation. It felt…I donno, it felt real. I was worried and uneasy because it also felt too soon, but…it was irresistible. I mean…he was my best friend. He loved me. He reassured me of these things constantly.
Now, it had only been three, four months since the Great Awakening of his various personality disorders. I thought–if he is lying, we’re just on Skype, and I am physically unassailable. And if he’s lying, well, I choose to accept the consequences because, having experienced complete personal transformation, maybe he can too, and I know that whatever happens over the Skype screen may be troubling but not unrecoverable. I thought valiantly, if he “only” hurts my heart it isn’t real, right, because that’s just emotion, and every good baby Buddhist knows emotions aren’t real, right? I think, looking back, perhaps I was laboring under an impression of myself as a more enlightened being than I actually am. I thought, I have no Self, my skandhas are but illusions, my kleshas will scatter like clouds, no matter what he does I will smile serenely and continue floating over my cushion. Oh shit. What have I been smoking without knowing it, and can I have some more? How did I forget that 99% of the pain in my 31 years has come from inside my noggin? How did I develop the idea that a few years of reading Western dharma would fortress me from emotional terrorism via Skype? How did I ever equate Thich with Cerberus? (Clearly, I am struggling with a spiritual inferiority complex and, to syncretically mix symbol systems, a rather fierce jihad of the heart.)
Dear reader. Thank you for your fortitude. Since this is a tale of a breakup and all good breakup tales must end with an unraveling and a gory splat (but do they? oh I had so hoped we would scrabble together some civility the second time around given our mutual, occasionally hysterical professions of love)…the unraveling commenced. He became unstable. Posting Craigslist ads. Taking them down. Sleeping crazy hours. Pulling all-nighters. Smoking a pack a day. Manic episodes. Saying I love you, you’re the one I want, I need to be alone, we can make this work, love me forever, I’m so scared to lose you, I’m pulling away, I want to be intimate with you, intimacy with you destabilizes me, you’re too good, et cetera. I tried to be the rock. I tried to be the mast in the storm. I tried to be the fork in the noodles. I meditated on patience. I let my own storm clouds pass through my brain like the silly skandhas they are. But after a few weeks of his mounting instability, and a push-pull that we had named “rubber-banding,” we/he decided to slow our contact because it was firing too many neurons in his brain. He told me to be in touch for the big things, you know, if I needed him, if something happened. We planned to talk on our anniversary in two weeks. We cried and cried and cried, two people desperately in love and one of them mentally ill and scared of his own brain and the other one chagrined that her soulmate is an addict hitting bottom and there ain’t a damn thing she can do, not even love him more every day, nothing that can actually help.
So we didn’t talk for two weeks or so. It seemed like the right thing. Things had gotten pretty dramatic. There was a mutual assumption we’d see each other in September after I returned from Indonesia.
And then something happened. I contracted dengue fever, a nasty tropical disease from a mosquito, along with a number of spicy complications in the blood and the ear and the brain and the lungs. So there I was all alone in a hospital in Indonesia, plied with tubes and needles and nary a good English speaker in sight. Scary? Scary. They thought I had internal bleeding. Scarier? Scarier. Bumps were rising on the back of my skull. Super freaky. So what did I do? I called him. I called to tell him of of my list of maladies, of my condition, my pain, my tubes, my bleeding. And it also happened to be–hooray!–our one-year anniversary, so we had something to nod at.
He forgot it was our anniversary. He didn’t ask me how I was doing, neither head or heart or blood or intestine. He chattered about himself, the beautiful summer day, the canteloupe he was eating. He said, “sorry you got bit by a mosquito.” I begged him to reflect on our first date. I told him I had talked to my friend about supporting our reconciliation and he said, “I really don’t want to have a relationship talk again.” And then he said, “I gotta go. Email me when you get out of the hospital.”
Email me when you get out of the hospital.
Email me when you get out of the hospital?
Wow. Wow.
If it had been him in the foreign hospital with a laundry list of horrific maladies, i would have done everything short of getting on a plane. I would have called the embassy. I would have asked for his number. I would have prayed. I would have been consumed with anxiety and hope and dread. Constructions of whether we were “together” or not would certainly not have applied: I love him, and if he is gravely ill I am worried. Simple equation. The malady would have easily transcended any construction of relationship status.
So, I’m lucky, because after two weeks I got out of this hospital. I emailed him, but got no response. So I thought, perhaps, just perhaps, it’s time to say goodbye. I mean…who does that? Who doesn’t care when the person they are supposedly in love with has…internal bleeding because of a tropical disease? Are you kidding me? My big brilliant completely stupid thick brain finally grasped it: he does not care about anybody but himself. I emailed him and proffered this observation, explaining that people many hemispheres away had called everyday, emailed, fedexed care packages, grasped the severity of the situation. That I think, maybe, his callousness has finally displayed that, despite my valiant efforts with him, it might be time to put the old dog to sleep for good. So long, Lassie. Turns out you’re lame and rabid after all.
His reply? A real humdinger, with such choice nuggets as:
* when you called me from a hospital bed you were leaning on me emotionally and that is codependent
* I’ve been having a great time with my family and friends and by myself and I can’t be the person you call from Indonesia
* We had a great relationship and now it’s over
* please, let me go and stop trying to forgive me, you’re busting your butt to save something that doesn’t exist
* there are people who are willing to do the work of being your friend, but not me
* I see that nothing good can come out of our continued contact
I am, once again, summarily stunned. He has miraculously broekn the laws of physics and managed to slap me in the face from two hemispheres away. I could not…believe it. I thought that when he said “call if you need me” that…life-threatening tropical disease would qualify. I didn’t think of it as codependent.
And when the F is a person allowed to be scared and need some emotional support if not all alone in a goddamn foreign hospital with a tropical freaking disease with innumerable complications and a swelling head?????!!!!!!!!!!
I don’t even know why I am surprised. Of course, it’s not what a normal person would say, not what any of my friends would say. It seems I am having trouble with the part of the equation where I think of him as NORMAL. I thought when we were both sobbing two weeks ago, racked with I love yous and we’ll try again when he’s healthier and this is just a break not a break-up and I love you so much and I’m so in love with you and I need you in my life, and please please call me if anything happens, anything at all…I thought a life-threatening tropical disease might qualify as such a thing.
FAIL.
So my story has become very granulated. It’s in hi-def because it just happened yesterday. I woke up this morning and thought: today is the first day of my life without him in it. Since the past is a construction in my mind and does not actually exist, and he is in the past, he does not actually exist. Our love was always an impermanent illusion. I believed his words the second time around (fool me twice, shame on me) because I wanted to. Can you blame me? He spoke sacred words that no soul has ever uttered to me, that I have hungered to hear my whole life and that I fully truthfully committedly returned to him. Thing is, my words were accompanied by actions and his…were just words. They were a costume, his sheep’s clothing, covering a wolfish narcissist who couldn’t even pony up when I was almost dying in Southeast Asia.
I’ve got a fire in my belly about it today. I had that fire before: in February, after the first betrayal. It died. I do not know how to keep this one alive. I am criminally softhearted with this man. I suffer major misgivings and cave in (”Oh well I guess 60 Craigslist ads isn’t THAT many…oh well maybe I didn’t adequately convey the severity of my internal bleeding in Southeast Asia…oh well maybe I should have had more restraint in emailing him to proffer my observation that saying ‘email me when you get out of the hospital’ was a little tiny bit insensitive…maybe I should email him again and beg forgiveness”). Et cetera. I was single for five years before I met him and it was a very, very long wait (which is probably why we consumed each other with such passion, me with my love starvation and him with his divorce avoidance, we two broken birdies and our panoply of pathologies).
So now, I am afraid of ten thousand potentialities. Not meeting another. Getting involved with him again. The fire dying. NOT getting involved with him again. Continuing to regret the one time I didn’t turn my cheek and let him be totally utterly selfish (because me standing up for myself is what broke the bank this time). Or, of course, spending the next few weeks, months, year obsessed with rage or forgiveness exercises or etc…with HIM. Oh my god–talk about a lethal tropical fever.
But I must continue to imagine a future with him: of martyrdom, resentment, suspicion, skepticism, pity. Not the feelings I’d like to have for my partner. How about a good man, a man who respects me, a man of constancy and tenderness and self-respect and a teeny tiny little bit of discipline and more than a teeny tiny little bit of compassion? I suppose that even if they do not exist, having anything less would imprison me in a hell of restlessness and misgivings. Who needs it.
Susan Piver, I admire your writing very much. I always seek out your HuffPo articles. I give away many copies of The Hard Questions to friends. But I will refrain from a lovingkindness meditation for him at the time being, because I believe it will endanger me into entertaining reconciliation and overidentification with him. I have to forgive myself for being swindled by this super-duper emotional pickpocket. I have to double up on the lovin’ for my very wearied soul, this frail and bruised spirit that recounts my sad gory tale of burnished hopes, failed redemption, crimes of the heart, betrayal ad infinitum, swollen brains and near-lethal mosquitoes, and pianos falling on me from the fourth-story window.
But I am open for any other kind of advice. Please, please. Tell me which klesha to dissolve, and I’ll get right on it. I really need help to erase this turkey from the menu of possibilities. I want to lighten my load, and I don’t want to live in purgatory over this shady character. It’s been a real tough year, and I’ve gotta lotta livin to do.
Jenn, that was one hell of an email. An astonishing story. How are you now? Please update me.
Of course (but sadly), I have no advice. If you want me (or someone) to say “never speak to him again” or “try loving kindness anyway” or you must forgive,” I can’t do it. You are in charge. That said, there are many beings, practices, and actions that can support you, whether it is Sakyong Mipham, meditations of all kinds, therapy, friends, your own inner guide–but what they can support you to do is figure it out for yourself. I hope you will seek support from any and all that make sense.
Don’t quit until you feel in charge of your own mind and have a sense of basic stability.
Anyone who tells you what to do without equivocation is to be examined very carefully.
There is one exception: admonishments and warnings about guarding your physical safety and mental sanity should be taken very, very seriously.
I would genuinely appreciate hearing how you’ve been doing since you wrote this. Love, Susan
1.My break up occurred 10 months ago and since that time, my primary emotions have been anger, sadness, and lonliness.
2.The last time I felt feelings such as these was when I left my husband (divorced).
What I notice when I compare these two experiences is that they were so similar. I started a relationship with a guy who had all the reasons I had left my ex-husband for (drugs, alcoholism, immaturity, unfaithfulness, dishonesty).
3.The thing that has been the most difficult for me since this relationship ended is raising our child alone.
4.When I think about our break-up, the thought or thoughts that plagues me over and over is/are how did I stay in such a dark, unhealthy, depressing relationship for so long (2 years)?
5.I feel the pain of this loss most acutely when I think of him, see a baby and both their parents together, helping each other. I cried in the parking lot of Raley’s Grocery store when I saw a young father holding his child while the mom pushed the shopping cart.
6.What I miss most about our relationship is laying in bed with him, being held (but he was so selfish it was usually me holding and touching him).
7.What I don’t miss about our relationship is the fighting, the violence, his cheating, his disloyalty, his lying, his drug use, his alcohol abuse, the disrespectful way he spoke to me and treated me.
8.The thing I regret most is staying with him for so long, having no respect for myself, not giving myself what I truly deserve.
9.The unforeseen benefit of this break up is my beautiful, precious, amazing baby boy (he’s 5 weeks old and I would walk this dark path all over again knowing that it led me to him).
10.If I could take him/her back right now, I would not and here’s why: I deserve soooooo much better. No one deserves to be treated the way he treated me. I deserve a man who loves me, respects me, and cherished me because I would give him the same.
11.The most important thing others need to know about healing a broken heart is time will help the process, but when you are ready, it takes work too, inner work, accepting and releasing your pain, allowing yourself to feel it deeply and then asking God to help you let it go. Take care of yourself. I take care of myself through following my passion for dance and sharing it with others through teaching. I also practise yoga and take long walks with my son in his stroller. I practise gratitude daily and surround myself with good, positive people who support and encourage me. I believe in doing good for others as a healing tool. I believe in meditation as a way into your soul so you can find, feel, understand and release your pain. Don’t run from it. Let yourself feel it and trust the process. I left an abusive relationship when I became pregnant, knowing that I was now responsible for someone else’s well-being and happiness and I could never be responsible for putting my baby boy through a life with such a miserable, abusive man. I am working to forgive that miserable man but that is a lonnnnng process for me. For now, when I think of him, I just ask God to help him see the truth and to bring him help for healing. I am so much stronger and in so much peace and light even though I still feel lonliness and pain but I thank God and my baby boy for giving me the strength to leave and live the life I deserve.
probably should have said no from the beginning, watching how cruelly she left her husband for me, expecting him to be happy for her finding herself, splitting up their marriage of 8 years, and the kids having to share each parent. i had just moved into town, happy to have a most beautiful and vibrant friend. we clicked immediately. she told him just four months later that we were in love, expected him to be fine with it. she left her husband before him suddenly in the night because he traumatized her verbally, which i now am also being blamed for.
we moved in together exacly a year after their divorce, with her kids half the time, who i love very much, but i was never really good enough. my house didn’t feel enough like her house, the one she built from scratch with her perfect husband (she never could name a reason why she left him), just that she loved me. so three years later, after all three of us worked at the same place, i was fired abruptly, when into a deep depression, was cared for very well by her, but did not extend the same care to her about the friends she lost who had betrayed her, when they betrayed me to get me fired. i had done nothing wrong but be a boss who had high expectations. so i was mad, not listening so well, still more concerned with my joblessness, i had defined myself and moved for this job and been the breadwinner, and then not so slowly she began to befriend her old friends who had betrayed me. and i wasn’t able to find work yet. and so she said lets sleep in separate rooms, grow strong on our own, so we can then grow strong together. then she went away for a weekend, and while she was away, i made room for her everywhere–she already has the entire upstairs, but i even made three shelves for her, three for me on bookshelves even though she has no books, got ready for a garage sale by getting rid of clothes and stuff–but while she was away she reconciled with her parents who would never utter my name even after 3 years and her parents stayed friends with the ex-husband (who she just called to tell him that i traumatized her), and then told me she could not trust me anymore to take care of her. so she wanted to stay in the house, separately, grow stronger so she can go off on her own after a year, and she went and hung out with one of the people who dislike me most from work. upon coming home, she said i didn’t want to know what they talked about because it would hurt too much, and the next day i asked her to leave. so now i am jobless in a small town where i have been much maligned for breaking up a marriage and for asking, as a boss, that the employees step it up a bit–as I was asked to do by my bosses–and i am alone with no friends. i am creative and have liked living alone before. just right now, my house has a boys’ bedroom, our bedroom, their toys, and our life together. so i am off to be taken care of by friends, two hours away, have signed up for meditation, on anti-anxiety meds, and trying to find work. what else is there for me to do? my sister says that i can’t keep saying i am sad because it does no good. but what does?
Stacia, your story touched me deeply. You are very brave. I hope you and your son are well.
Carla, your situation sounds so incredibly complex. When your relationship is tied up with your work and community, it is so incredibly hard to navigate it all. When you ask what else you can do, I honestly don’t know what to say beyond what you are doing–try meditation, stick with your meds, and, most of all, work with your feelings. Sadness has no time table. And although sometimes we need a kick in the pants to stop moping, what you are doing does not sound like moping. It sounds like genuine, heartfelt, but-of-course, grief. I wish you luck with it all and if you ever decide to try loving kindness meditation as mentioned in my book, it might be helpful. Good luck!! Susan
1. My break up occurred a little over 2 months ago and since that time, my primary emotions have been despair, loneliness, confusion, humiliation and anger.
2. The last time I felt feelings such as these was when David and I broke up. What I notice when I compare these two experiences is I was never angry with D.. I was sad but I never hated him. But I am deeply angry with S. and I pretty much hate him. I have been sad but anger replaces the sadness. I don’t think he is a very good person. I think he is self-serving and shallow. D. was a good person (is a good person) and I actually was the one to really break his heart. I’m surprised he ever talked to me again. So while there has been PAIN with both and preoccupying loneliness and confusion and all the rest, this relationship was like an attack on me, on who I am, on me as a person, as a woman, an attack on my worth somehow. That is what I am dealing with in this instance. His utter lack of regard for me. Lack of love, concern, kindness. It’s just horrible to realize that someone is really that shallow and made of so little inside. It makes me question my own judgment and I am humiliated at being so duped. How will I ever trust again?
3. The thing that has been the most difficult for me since this relationship ended is realizing I never really knew S. at all. I feel like I wasted over 2 years of my life with someone who was just a bullshit artist and a fake. He is a fantasy person not a real person. And once his infatuation with me died, there was no love behind it. That has been very painful to accept. He was just infatuated with me, not in love with me.
4. When I think about our break-up, the thought or thoughts that plagues me over and over is/are why did he waste my time? What is so great about HER? She’s a plain Jane (this doesn’t matter I know, it would hurt just as much if she were a supermodel). But why HER? Ugh. They work together and briefly dated before (we broke up for about 3 months, then got back together) and he dumped her and got back together with me….because, as he said, she was “boring” and, the biggest one of all: “she wasn’t you.” Ah, she wasn’t me. Interesting that he goes back to her now. He said when we broke up, there was too much intensity with us and that he was “ready for boring.” I guess that says it all. In the same breath, however, he said that my “passion” was his favorite thing about me. Funny that the reason he was drawn to me initially is what drove him away. Wimp!
5. I feel the pain of this loss most acutely when I am not busy enough and I am left alone with my thoughts. For example, going to bed, getting up….the first thoughts and the last ones.
6. What I miss most about our relationship is the companionship, the daily/weekly routine, all the sex, all the cooking, traveling together, laughing and being goofy about stupid things, having our friends around every Sunday.
7. What I don’t miss about our relationship is how I felt like he didn’t “get” me and I felt like I was being judged. I couldn’t truly be myself at the end. I had been myself for a long time, but at the end, I no longer was. He made me feel like a visitor in my own house. I didn’t feel “free.” I felt angry, resentful, trapped, and that everything was somehow up to him: what we ate, where we went, what music we listened to, how we spent our time. He controlled everything and it was horrible. My friends have noticed that my house seems “lighter” and “happier” now that he’s gone. He cast a dark cloud over things. And I didn’t realize it fully until he left. I feel like I can be myself again too. And that is a very good thing.
8. The thing I regret most is letting him move back in (after we got back together). That was my first mistake. We looked at rings together and I thought it was all happening. I was too trusting. He lied to me about marrying me and that humiliated me. And I should have never believed him until he actually did what he said he would. It might have saved us a lot of time. I might have discovered things earlier. Like, for example, that he has zero integrity and is not a man of his word. That S. uses people and doesn’t know what love really is.
Also, when we were together (when we were happy) I regret not being more open with him when I felt there was a turning point. I pulled away instead of trying to get close. I was angry and pissed off—every time he’d make some reference to marriage or “you and me, always” or whatever, I would hate him just a little bit more.
9. The unforeseen benefit of this break up is that my career is skyrocketing. It’s as if S. was keeping me back somehow. Not that he did anything to discourage me from my work. It wasn’t that. It’s just strange timing that within a month of our breakup, my phone started ringing, the emails started coming, I’ve been turning down full time jobs because working for myself has proved to be a more viable, lucrative option. For the first time in my life. This was all I ever wanted career-wise. To call the shots and be my own boss. It’s just so strange now that he’s gone; the door to my career has swung so far and wide open. I lost him. But I got that part of my life instead. It’s hard to ignore because it’s so clear.
10. If I could take him/her back right now, I would/would not and here’s why: he is not the person I thought he was. If I’m truly honest (which I’m trying to be) a part of me wants S. back but I want the person back that he “was” or “seemed” to be…not who he really turned out to be (or always was). And, to be 100% honest (even though this does not make me sound like a very nice person) it would be satisfying for him to want me back and for me to get to reject him this time. He caused me a lot of needless pain and grief and humiliation and, right now, I am angry and fucking pissed and it would feel really good to hurt his shitty ass. He deserves it. Sorry, but that’s how I feel. Right or wrong. I’m not vengeful very often but I feel pretty revenge seeking right about now. I have fantasized about him losing his job or getting his heart broken or just being totally miserable (I do not fantasize about any real harm coming to him, just emotional harm and financial angst) ☺ (just being totalllllly honest!) so he can get off his high horse and realize that life isn’t some fantasy and you don’t go replacing people on a whim…because everyone will annoy you eventually. He was there for me when I lost my job but he never really understood it. He has one of those corporate jobs where he’s “safe” and so he doesn’t understand getting laid off and what that can do to your self-esteem, etc. So yes, I’d like to see him learn a few things. But that’s not up to me. Yes….I know I need to let this GO.
11. The most important thing others need to know about healing a broken heart is it is OK to feel your feelings—all of them—but give yourself “scheduled time periods” in which to feel them and then do everything in your power to FOCUS (this is very hard) on the positive in your life…this is very hard to do but vital. You have to focus on other things: make plans with friends, do things you really love, rediscover who YOU are in the deepest way possible. Be the person you were as a kid: the real you. And know that even as painful as it is, as devastating as it feels, it will pass. You know it will because you’ve been through it before. It’s just so hard to realize that when you’re in the throes of unspeakable pain. It feels like you’ll never get over it. But you will. Time will heal it. It just sucks that time takes so much TIME sometimes. ☺
1. My break up hasn’t happened yet. But the emotional turmoil started 2 weeks ago and since that time, my primary emotions have been extreme heartbreak, depression, and anger.
2. The last time I felt feelings such as these was when I ended my last relationshp. What I notice when I compare these two experiences is that my last relationship was much more unhealthy. I felt the same experience of pain and withdrawal and of frustration. I felt similarly very disconnected to the person and a shattering of their identity to me. I similarly have a feeling of deep hurt and betrayal, like I have done all I can do and it’s still not enough. I feel much better about this situation though, since I love this person and understand where he is coming from. I know that this situation is not about me as a person and is about him not being ready for a relationship. What is also different is that I fit much more with this current person and I feel like I still trust and love him.
3. The thing that has been the most difficult for me since this relationship ended is not being around him. The endless waiting for him to make a decision. The frustration that I can do nothing about it. The love I want to express to him, but can’t. The feeling that he is blocking our future.
4. When I think about our break-up, the thought or thoughts that plagues me over and over is that I love him and this is all needless. I don’t understand why he has such trouble opening up to me, I don’t understand how he can’t know if he loves me.
5. I feel the pain of this loss most acutely when I feel tired and I want to cuddle with him. When I am feeling down and I need support and he’s not there. Also, when I’m really horny.
6. What I miss most about our relationship is everything. I miss talking to him and touching him. I miss the ease with how we communicate with each other. I miss his idiosyncracies. I miss him playing video games, buying things impulsively, his constantly messy apartment, etc.
7. What I don’t miss about our relationship is him not telling me about his feelings. He never opens up to me. He doesn’t tell me he cares about me or how pretty I am. He doesn’t include me in his life as important.
8. The thing I regret most is agreeing to make our relationship exclusive when we weren’t technically in a relationship. That really fucked with me and made me emotionally confused. I also misinterpreted it as interest in me on his part.
9. The unforeseen benefit of this break up is that I’m standing up for myself. I know my limits. I’ve made a stand and am advocating for my needs.
10. If I could take him/her back right now, I would because I still love him. I know we could still fit together. I trust him as I’ve never trusted anyone. He’s a good person.
11. The most important thing others need to know about healing a broken heart is that it hurts! But it will pass, eventually.
Jess, how are you doing now?? It is so hard when there is a 3rd person in the breakup, no matter how peripheral. I wish you well!! t is awesome that your career is going so well– Wishing you the best, all the time–Susan
Michelle, your situation sounds so confusing. When you feel like things COULD work out but the other person just doesn’t see it as deeply, it is so frustrating and sad. I wish you much love—Susan
Dear Susan.
It’s been a few months since I wrote. Thank you so much for your reply. I’m a bit of a sycophant with your work because you’re one of the few relatable, funny, charming popular writers grounded in Buddhism that actually ventures into the uncharted waters of Buddhist relational intimacy. This is one area of my life that constantly short circuits me; it’s the hardest place to stay on track with nonattachment and letting things be and accepting that the person feels how they feel…it’s the place where hope burns brightest for me…where passions get provoked more quickly than any other context…and where the delusions are most deeply rooted in a subterranean nut of pathologies, desperate convictions, and immutable polarities.
I guess I’ve learned from my breakup. I hope I have. I believe that people can change and grow; if I didn’t what am I doing with all the spiritual books, Anne Lamott memoirs, and the little altar in my bedroom with the Tibetan singing bowl, Mexican body milagro, and the plastic statue of Ganesha, the Hindu god who removes and provides obstacles. I have an indwelling aesthetic, my strong bent for interbeing and flourishing, for reconciliation and authenticity, for hard-wrought selfhood, community, and meaning-making, which draw me toward a responsible and sober consideration of how change can be possible. Some elements of my character, some more and some less helpful elements, seem to be indelible, and the only salient tactics I can identify for living with them is self-awareness and detached curiosity. There I go again! I say about myself, quite a bit these days, curious and irritated and amused all at once. How can I do it better next time? is always the next whisper.
All I can really say is what my breakup has drawn me to think about. Here are some things. There have to be limits to compassion. You have to love yourself as much as you love your neighbor. You can’t give someone else more warmth, forgiveness, etc etc, than you are providing for yourself. Forgiveness often must entail separation and disengagement. It is crucial not to overestimate my ability to be compassion, or to think I am able to withstand contact with a dangerous or deceitful person. It’s important to balance both your need for safety and your need for love; your need to ensure the safety of others with giving love. Sometimes receiving love is way harder than giving it, it is for me, so I forget to ask for it and I get into the imbalanced quagmires. It is good to figure out how to get from myself and from my friends what I always want from a romance. Things do not happen for a reason: this happened randomly, and I’m a victim, and it’s up to me to take anything from it or help someone else this happens to in the future. God forbid.
But you know, I’m a long way from out of the woods.
Last month for example. I spent a whole day at Princeton University for PhD program interviews. Because my ex-partner has his post-doc in a nearby quadrangle I knew there was a chance I could see him. I spent the weeks leading up to this day obsessed with that possibility, prepping for my interviews and knowing they were the reason I was going to Princeton for the day but also consumed with the possibility of seeing him. The terror, the thrill, the rage that I should even be so preoccupied. I made a plan. If I saw him, I was to say, “I’m here on business. Do not talk to me,” and walk away. I was to remove myself from that part of campus between breaks. I was to choose my future at every point and not drown in the past. I made a plan for every possibility. I made an empowering music mix to listen to. I printed out pep talks from my girlfriends. I had a mantra: He is the evil empire and I am the downtrodden that Jesus will lift up. I am the resilient banner-carrier for abused women. I can pass my assailant with my head held high. I am a warrior, not afraid.
At Princeton, I had my first long break from interviews at lunchtime and I sat down in the quad right outside his department’s entrance. I wanted to see him. I sat down and just waited in the most likely place for him to be. Thus commenced the refrain of the day: why am I doing this?
I sat paralyzed in the quad. My will for destruction or my fantasy of reconciliation was stronger than my decision to get up and walk away. I followed someone who looked like him down a street. I went back and I sat exactly where I knew he’d come out for a smoke and when he walked out I was looking at him and he saw me and he ducked his head and veered in a very awkward direction away. His face was stony and emotionless, and he ignored me. I was a deer in the headlights. Paralyzed. I texted him, what do I do when I see you on campus? And then I just sat there for two hours. I just sat there. And he came out for two more cigarettes and just smoked and watched me and I was so full of self-hatred. Later that night, he texted me back: “Please leave me be.”
I had had this plan, this plan to be strong, to follow my pep talk emails from my girlfriends and be an adult, to see the dead end that he is and make the choice for my own life, to walk away from the danger zone, etc, to feel compassion for myself and self-care, etc. Instead, I flew into the flame. I hovered over it frozen, fixated, not even asking what to do, just—stuck. I had a burning feeling I haven’t had since I was in my 20s or late teens, when destruction was the only thing I could focus on and it would calm me. I was way calmer sitting in that quad waiting for him and hating myself than I was when I was wrestling trying to remove myself. Anything other than self-destruct felt way less safe.
Of course I see the paradox here. The self-loathing was the familiar “calm” space and doing something else, anything else, was terrifying. Anything other than destroying myself and hating myself felt dangerous. I suffered the lure of my old resting place, of the haven of self-hatred.
The self-hatred. Where does it come from? I have been trying to find the source of it. Is it my mother? She herself is a paragon of self-hatred. That could be the seed of it. It feels hackneyed to blame her. Can self-hatred be intrinsic? Buddhism reports that we are all luminous perfect Buddhas at core, but our attachments create illusions that obfuscate this core. So for a Buddhist, where does self-hatred come from? Where does the feeling of utter forsakenness come from? Do I have attachments of reality and my inner state being a certain why and being crestfallen that they aren’t, and blaming myself for it? Buddhism asks for radical self-acceptance, radical acceptance of the moment. But that means accepting that when I could have protected myself, moved from the tractor beam of his cold stare for the eternity of his cigarette, I chose instead to stare back unblinkingly, hoping.
I came home crushed. I had prayed and meditated so damn hard about what to do, and I felt so clearly that the right thing to do was stay away from him, lead me not into temptation, deliver me from evil, get on the other side of campus, etc. I felt that I wasn’t strong enough to do that and that I failed to follow what seemed like the most constructive thing to do, or in other words, what I discerned as Right Action. So I feel like I was wrestling with the Right way versus my way, and I failed to choose to be in relationship with something that was more empowering or kick-ass or above him or future-focused. I chose him over Right Action, I concluded, because Right Action surely wanted me to get the hell out of that quad.
Hold on. Isn’t this me furnishing Right and Wrong? What if Right Action wasn’t for me to stay away from that quad? What if that’s what I came up with because I created this binary of the right-and-wrong thing to do? What if there was no right and wrong thing?
I keep using the word “paralyzed” and the phrase “deer in the headlights” for a reason. I had absolutely no idea how to act. When my ex was walking toward me I thought of a million things I could do: cry, scream, be a bitch, pose sexily, call him, shout, go to his department and tell them their junior faculty is a dangerous sex addict, love him deeply and give him freedom and space, love myself deeply and walk away, passively turn my cheek and sacrifice myself with self-emptying love to the cause of his redemption. What did I do? I just sat there. I sat there when he passed me and I sat there for two more hours. Don’t get me wrong. It wasn’t a serene kind of sitting. It was the war of the worlds in my head. It was self-hatred because I put myself willingly in his path to see what would happen. It was sadness for what had happened between us. It was compassion for myself for being so dicked over. It was confusion about why I was there. It was rage and brokenness. It was self-recrimination for not choosing what I thought was Right Action, which was to stay away from that part on campus and get away from where I was.
But my God construct, especially in less passionate moments is, is the present moment. The ultimate reality of the only time and existence that actually exists. The future and the past do not actually exist, and what we have right now in this moment is infinite and intimate, full of possibility and exactly what it is, standing still and moving forward, beautiful and tragic. And if I ask what wholeness is, I think it is not wanting to be anyone other than who you are, not wanting to be anywhere other than where you are in this very moment.
So to tear myself apart because I didn’t choose to be in relationship with Right Action at that moment, which I had so dogmatically constructed as the binary of stay-there-versus-walking-away, also allows me to punish myself for doing the wrong thing. But maybe it wasn’t the wrong thing. Maybe just sitting there and being in the shit and not running away from the intense pain and suffering of the wrestling match was the best thing I could have done. I sat there, heavy and burdened, staring into the void, feeling everything and holding to the fraying strand of dental floss over the abyss. He passed me and I stayed there. He passed me again and I stayed there. When I texted him, What am I supposed to do when I see you around on campus? it wasn’t a plea or a suggestion or an offering. It was a cry out to the heavens, the great question every suffering human asks in the moment of abject pain: Why have you forsaken me? What am I supposed to do?!
This place of frozen suffering, of thoughtless, wordless, abject pain. The utter impossibility of this life, the crushing and confounding moments of abject pain that paralyze us? Neither passive resistance nor steadying, transcendent love but rather—a moment of complete resourcelessness. Betrayal and abandonment. Love as a preposterous and distant construct. My pain clenched me in the present moment in the way that only intense pain can, bringing me into full awareness of my body and therefore fully into the present. Because I couldn’t move, I could only watch. Which is not to say my mind was serene. Which is not say I was not enraged. Which is not to say I didn’t want to taunt my ex with what my passive resistance proved about the real power dynamic. Which is not to say that I don’t love him and wouldn’t keep giving if he wanted to try. But I didn’t do any of that. Nothing can be done, and it was all over.
I surrender.
The surrender here is to the fact that sometimes there is no clear binary of right and wrong, no clear course of action to take, no right way to act, no right thing to say, no thing that can be controlled or understood. In fact, figuring out the right thing to do is much harder than figuring out the wrong thing to do. The wrong thing is usually destructive. The right thing—well, perhaps there’s no right thing either, and maybe that’s my whole point. The right thing is taking whatever is and however you handled it, and reframing things later so as not to feed the wolf of self-hatred.
What I have now is my resilience, my enraged forward motion, me tearing out the thorn in my side and pushing through the burdensome bramble I woke up in the morning after that day. What I have now is my radical acceptance that I did all I could do that day, which was to sit there frozen for hours in my ex’s path, caught between the future and the past, sitting in the white-hot pivot between God and the devil, between commencement and forsakenness, heaven and hell, me versus him. What I have now might also be the radical acceptance that although the moment of those few hours felt very radical indeed, it was after all an internal jihad under the Bodhi tree and my body was not actually crucified. Because, after all, between heaven and hell is where I actually, radically, am: earth.
Susan Piver, I have a few questions for you. If I have learned through my woeful trial that I really cannot discern what is Right Action, how do we discern Right Action? Is trying to an act of hubris, of playing God and furnishing God’s will in order to have something to feel great about following or feel terrible about failing, not pretending we can control or understand anything.
Next question that is so big it will make you laugh. I want you to tell me how to do something. I want to know how to surrendering to something bigger than my own ego; surrender to the complexity and ambiguity of each present moment. As far as I can tell, we are all deer in the headlights of humanity, and in our moments of abject suffering we don’t have to bravely say, “I can take it.” We don’t have to turn the other cheek in passive anger. We don’t have to berate ourselves for not being strong enough. We don’t have to kill ourselves for the ones we love. Maybe we can’t even dispel or alleviate suffering, but only accept its presence in our lives. Because sometimes life is impossible and freezes us in our tracks and how can we even discern what actions are possible, let alone take them, let alone take the right one, let alone stop judging ourselves for taking or not taking whatever we perceive to be the right and the wrong action?
Another question. Do you think the future and the past exist? What does the dharma teach? I always thought they were both fantasies, but then my friend insisted that the past exists in our bodies, especially trauma; and that it lasts in our brains and imaginations, and we live in deference to it. Something in our imaginations isn’t unreal. It’s still there. It affects us viscerally. What do we do about the weight of the past?
Last question. (For now.) I have been thinking about the anatta self and Buddha nature from which we can observe our discursive minds, and I was wondering how Buddhist teaching explains personality and how emotions arise. I understand the dharma that that nothing happens without cause and that there is no so-called independent reality, because everything occurs due to cause and condition. These also include the so-called personality and emotion. But what about when you’re sitting and meditating, and feeling serene as can be, and then BOOM, all of a sudden you’re enraged about something, then you’re peaceful, then BOOM, you’re irritated about something? There must be some thinking on the origin of these surges that have no obvious cause in the moment. Can you refer me to any ideas about the origin of pain and negative emotions?
I’ve got so many of them. I’m trying to let them be clouds. But damn. Those clouds are heavy and they move so slow.
Thanks for being here and reading this.
Jenn
Hi Jenn. I don’t know that I can answer your questions, but I can offer some kind of reaction instead. As far as discerning right action, I don’t thing it’s a thing that you can isolate and then enact. I think it has more to do with intention: Action fueled by the intention to be of benefit seems to be a good place to start. “Being of benefit” is not as simple as trying to be nice to yourself or to others. It’s something else. We each have to figure out what that means.
For the remaining questions (about surrendering and understanding where emotions come from), I can refer you to The Jewel Ornament of Liberation by Gampopa.
BTW, I think you’re doing great. Good luck and keep me posted–S
i’m writing to tell my story and hoping that this will help. i’m 6 weeks into finding out that the man i’ve been waiting for for 7 yrs decided to move on to someone else. now, please bear with me. this story will be hard to understand. you will likely think “she deserves all the pain she gets” but i’m hoping you will see past that judgement. yes, he was married but i understood he had filed for divorce but withdrew when his parents told him to. red flag! anyway, too long of a story but i waited in the wings til he could move out after his son moved ot college. in the meantime, right as that happened, he met someone else. then i found out that he had been with another woman for three years in the middle of all this. everyone asks me ” are you surprised?” the answer is yes otherwise i would never have waited. so now, here i am and i feel as if i’ve been stripped to the bone. the pain is indescribable!! i am in awe that this hurts more than when i lost my parents. it’s the most gut wrenching pain i have ever felt! i am in awe of this process. i keep thinking i’ll get over it but how can today, 6 weeks in, be the hardest so far?! i’m sick with grief over losing him and knowing someone else is getting the good parts that i had. i guess i’m grieving what i “imagined” he was, not who he is. i haven’t gotten there yet. i just miss the good things, the friendship, the love i gave him. knowing someone else is his “go to” person to talk with , make love with, share with….that is killing me. can anyone offer any opinion about the length of time it takes for this to pass??
susan, thank you for the book., it’s been a huge help. there are no words to express my appreciation for sharing your story. blessings to you all.
Oh, Jen, I would never, ever say/think/feel/believe that you deserve all the pain you get. The pain you are experiencing sounds so intense, and for very good reason. Nothing hurts more than trust betrayed. If there was anything I–0r anyone–could do to remove even a day of pain, I would. All I can do, though, is wish you all the strength and softness you need to emerge from this with a whole heart. Rooting for you big time, Susan
Dear Susan,
just before the break up, I started mindfulness therapy and I think without that, I would have been completely lost in my “broken heart-situation”.
Your book “Wisdom of a broken heart” has been the logical next step, since I suffer from a broken heart.
The break up was 7 weeks ago and it has been quite a complicated situation, as the love of life is married to someone else and so am I. We met 18 years ago and had lost sight of each other for 15 years due to different circumstances. (please forgive me my bad English at times, as I am from the Netherlands). We met again beginning of september this year and it was as if we were in our twenties again. (Now we are in our 40’s). To cut a long story short: we decided that we wanted to grow old together and that we were going to get married eventually. We told our spouses that we fell in love with somebody else and after being away from his family for 1 day and night, he panicked and went back to his family. (I was still with my family, because we were going to take it slow….)
For me the whole situation is really hard to cope with, but thanks to the meditation and tools from Mindfulness and your wonderful book, I’m managing.
I really would like to attend one of your workshops, but I don’t know when you’ll be in the Netherlands again.
For now, thanks again for your book and for helping people by letting them share their stories on this blog. It’s good to know that you’re not the only one!
Ana
Ana, oh my. Your situation sounds so intense. What a roller coaster ride. I hope you are taking it easy and giving yourself a lot of rest and quiet. I also don’t know when I’ll be in the Netherlands again, but I hope it won’t be too long. I truly loved my visit there. Please take good care and, if you ever feel like it, stay in touch. xo Susan
Hello Susan,
My heartbreak isn’t from a breakup, but from some unfortunate circumstances that keep my love a whole ocean away from me for an indefinite period of time. There is simply no holding on or holding out; we simply do not know if we will *ever* see one another again.
The experience of letting him go (which happened yesterday in the airport) has reopened wounds in my heart that few situations ever penetrate deeply enough to touch. As I sit here and sink into my heart, I hear these words: “There went my one shot at love and happiness. I am always going to be alone. I will never be able to love anyone else ever again. I will never have what I want. I have always been alone, there must be something terribly wrong with me.” In this moment, I can see these thoughts as thoughts and I can also hold my heart as if it were the hand of my best friend, but sometimes… I can never predict when but sometimes these thoughts rise up like solid, real, and terrifying demons and they torture me until I feel like I am about to lose my mind. I see images of him turning away from me and taking with him everything that is good in my life. I feel a great vacuum in the space all around me that swallows up everyone who would get close to me and offer me warmth. I look out the window and all I see is a cold, heartless world that is about to suck the life out of me. I also feel the part of me that is still five years old and can’t comprehend why she is alone so much of the time. I don’t know what to do in these moments. Everything I’ve learned about working with my mind deserts me and I just. freak. out. It hurts so bad!!! I feel like I’m always looking over my shoulder, waiting for the next surprise attack.
I continue to take this experience as part of my path by meditating, reading dharma, talking to good and trusted friends (including my therapist), and sometimes even eating ice cream, but I’m also afraid that these wounds are too deep and too severe to ever truly heal. I’m afraid that these unhealed wounds will make it impossible for me to ever truly love and be loved (by a man who actually lives on the same continent as I do – believe me, it is no surprise that I fell for a man who had to… leave).
I guess I don’t have a specific question. Perhaps just the hope for some advice and encouragement and that my sharing might be of benefit to others. May all of us beings who are experiencing heartbreak recognize and take advantage of this opportunity to heal hearts that were, in truth, kind of broken to before we ever me him (or her).
Thanks for what you do, Susan. And thanks to everyone else who shared their stories here. It has really helped me
Dear Susan & other readers,
My break up occurred four months ago – we just bought a house together – and since that time, my primary emotions have been sadness, disbelief, and doubt.
The last time I felt feelings such as these was when we first broke up five years ago. What I notice when I compare these two experiences is that the first time we broke up I had a lot of hope for us to get together again. The hope was so strong it also held me from letting go and go on with my life. This time it feels so much different, because I know our ’second chance’ did not work out and we cannot keep trying forever. Another difference with the last time, is I do feel stronger this time. Whereas five years ago I really was an emotional wreck – I didn’t function at all – this time I’m still able to eat, sleep, work, laugh with my friend and colleagues, and enjoy the nice things I do.
The thing that has been the most difficult for me since this relationship ended is the idea that for twelve (!) years we have been so close and now slowly we’re becoming strangers.
When I think about our break-up, the thoughts that plague me over and over are ‘Have I been too demanding?’, ‘Is this all a misunderstanding, and should I do something before it’s too late?’, ‘Is he also feeling sad?’, ‘I want to call him’, ‘It will only make things harder when I call him’, ‘Has he slept with other women yet?’.
I feel the pain of this loss most acutely when I think about all the good times we had, when I hear his voice in my head, the way he used to call my name.
What I miss most about our relationship is his smell, his skin, his hands, his voice, his laugh, the way he held me, his arms around me while I sleep, lying with my head on his chest.
What I don’t miss about our relationship is his bad temper, his silence, his passiveness, the way he took me for granted, almost never giving me the feeling I was special, and me being insecure as a result. Our fights about all these things.
The thing I regret most is that I realized too late we were in this vicious circle of me asking for attention, him not giving me attention, me asking for attention even more, him not giving it to me even less.
The unforeseen benefit of this break up is getting to know I’m much stronger than I (and he) thought I would be – already. After a few weeks I already noticed I can be on my own very well. Also: appreciating little things more, like having a drink with my friends.
If I could take him back right now, I would and here’s why: I still love him so very much. But this could only happen if he would come to me and tell me he realized how special I am and he doesn’t want to be without me. It feels like it’s just not possible the other way around.
The most important thing others need to know about healing a broken heart is it helps to have ‘a project’ to focus on. For me it was working on my new place – I decided to move into our new house alone: I have been painting, papering, decorating and redecorating for four months already! Make sure you take enough time to rest too though.
Thanks for giving me an opportunity for sharing my story. I cried my eyes out while typing it, but right now I also feel relieved
Liza, thanks so much for taking the time to tell your story. I can feel the sadness AND the strength. I’m sure others can too. Wishing you all the healing power of love, Susan
1. The breakup occurred 3 days ago, and since that time my primary emotions have been desperation, sadness, and confusion.
2. The last time I felt feelings such as these was when we split the first time. Last time, there was more of a touch of shock; this time there is more uncertainty and grief. Last time, I felt regret and disgust with myself. This time I feel more despondent because I don’t see an episode of redemption like I was blessed with the first time around. Before that, I felt heartbreak when Peter broke up with me. Since that was amicable and generally healthy it wasn’t quite the same. But I feel the same exhaustion, heaviness…the same grief for memories and happy times
3. The thing that has been the most difficult for me since this relationship ended has been finding the energy to care about other things.
4. When I think about our breakup, the thoughts that plague me are wondering if he hates me/is indifferent to me; wondering who I should be with; emotions that surge up wanting to make explanations for his behavior and think of ways we could be together, ways to reconciled
5. I feel the pain of this loss most acutely when I remember him saying sweet things to me, and when I remember stroking his face while he told me about his life, the feeling of him opening up to me, knowing he’s now closed himself off…and when I see places that remind me of him, or see my empty email inbox
6. What I miss most about our relationship is the feeling that he trusted me and needed my care and companionship and loved me for it.
7. What I don’t miss about our relationship is the guilt and nagging knowledge that it had to end; the frustration that we just could not communicate well; the sneaking around
8. The thing I regret most is that I didn’t leave things as they were after the first “breakup” when all was as it should be.
9. The unforeseen benefit of this breakup is that it happened sooner rather than later.
10. If I could take him back right now, I would not, even though I would have such a strong urge to do it. I would not take him back, because we do not communicate well, I don’t trust him not to hurt me when situations get tough, I don’t believe that he’s completely rid himself of his past, he doesn’t inspire me to be a better person, and he is lacking in basic social/relationship/life skills.
11. The most important thing I need to tell myself right now is that things are going to be ok.
Trying to learn how to feel when the person you wanted to save won’t accept you anymore.
My break up occurred 5 months ago and since that time, my primary emotions have been anger, hurt, and sadness.
The last time I felt feelings such as these, they were never this strong.
The thing that has been the most difficult for me since this relationship ended is the loss of his friends and family and the loss of hopefulness. (But this book has given me renewed hope..:)
When I think about our break-up, the thought or thoughts that plagues me over and over is/are that night and those words and the postings on Facebook.:(((
I feel the pain of this loss most acutely when I get up in the morning.
What I miss most about our relationship is the love between us and the companionship we shared-eating, drinking, laughing and sharing.
What I don’t miss about our relationship is anger and insecurity.
The thing I regret most is leaving too soon.
The unforeseen benefit of this break up is I’m getting more secure with myself.
If I could take him/her back right now, I would and here’s why: We are all flawed- no one is perfect and I still love him.
The most important thing others need to know about healing a broken heart is to feel the pain, cry as much as you need to, and read this book!
Ann and Helen, thank you so much for sharing your thoughts. It really sounds like you are both working to face the sadness and intensity of the situation. Which makes you both warriors. Sending love and strength as you make your way– Susan
1. My break up occurred about 1 ago or so, and since that time, my primary emotions have been mourning, sadness, loneliness and depression.
2. The last time I felt feelings such as these was when prior to my marriage of twenty years. What I notice when I compare these two experiences is that there were more than two. I have had a difficult time believing I am loved, even by those who love me! In the most recent case, I have a sense that the other individual had no idea of what I was experiencing, the depth and genuine-ness of my feelings. I was also hurt that the end was a complete break – that there is no decent way to reconcile and heal – no balance – when someone cannot be honest with themselves, how can I be honest with them? – when someone has no true sense of love for another human being, how can there be resolution?
3. The thing that has been the most difficult for me since this relationship ended is losing a friend to share confidences, music, intimacy; the sense that I have to hold up on my own without that closeness. I am not always given to being lonely, but this break has left a huge hole in my life.
4. When I think about our break-up, the thoughts that plague me over and over are that I am somehow responsible for the mess I got into. I am deeply hurt, my trust violated. I don’t know why I attracted this sociopath into my life. I still love this person and pray for their healing, but these moments can be interrupted by negative thoughts and just plain old hurt over having trusted and gotten kicked in the teeth for it. I do not understand how or why someone would pretend to be involved and the turn on a dime and decide not to love. I have to guess that they were simply pretending to care, to love, to desire me. Ouch.
5. I feel the pain of this loss most acutely when I get caught up with my ego thinking about the other person and when I am alone. I have other friends, but want to get off the habit of simply sharing bad and difficult stuff with others. I hired a therapist to try and get out of this, but when I think about it I am still deeply hurt.
6. What I miss most about our relationship is the joy and ease of our company. Laughing, having fun, sharing the most personal things one-to-one. Common interests. Love of God [the universe].
7. What I don’t miss about our relationship is she is crazy in many ways. I mean that, literally and figuratively. She is loud, overbearing, needs to be the center of attention and is even mean to her kids. I honestly think she is a sociopath that does not understand what it is to love another truly.
8. The thing I regret most is that it is over.
9. The unforeseen benefit of this break up is I get to work on my relationship with me and others. Having been hurt has in a sense increased my sense of humility and deepened my commitment to try to be more loving toward others, BUT NOT IN ANY WAY THAT IS PRETENTIOUS, not in any way that someone might later interpret as in-genuine.
10. If I could take her back right now, part of me would and would not and here’s why: The fear of being hurt that deeply, having trust violated – it is just not worth trusting my love to anyone on that level right now. I would because I still have a deep abiding love for this person. I would not because she might ruin my life.
11. The most important thing others need to know about healing a broken heart is time is the true healer.
Steve, thank you so much for taking the time to write, and for expressing yourself so clearly. You are obviously a kind and soulful person who is committed to love. It is very nice to know you!
Dear Susan,
My fiancé walked out almost two weeks ago. It was very sudden and I am devastated. Everything you write in your book, “Wisdom of a broken heart” is now my reality. I feel like I am in hell. You describe how I feel better than I can describe it.
I am trying to do put one foot in front of the other but I am finding that I am so overwhelmed with missing him and feeling so empty without him that I can barely function.
I visited your website and wanted to thank you for addressing this incredibly hard situation. I feel that I will never get over him, that I will be sad for the rest of my life, that I will never again be able to experience a loving relationship. Because this relationship was the best I’ve ever had. I am 50 and have had several long, serious relationships. We got engaged last February and I was the happiest I’ve ever been.
I am very alone in this – my family has never seen me like this and my two best girlfriends don’t know what to do with me. Family and friends want me to move past this and I just don’t know how. I am trying every hour of every day. It is exhausting.
I have weathered some hard stuff too, conquering a major illness, losing two close friends to sudden death and losing my job last year. Losing the man I love dearly and wanted to marry has stopped me dead in my tracks. I can’t think straight, I cry most of the time and I can’t believe he did this. He was my best friend and I trusted him.
I don’t know how to begin accepting this and not feel that I will never have a relationship like this again. We fit together on many levels and even though we are very different personality-wise (he is more introverted and less comfortable around people than I am), we loved being together – great chemistry, traveling, being with family, cycling (we rode a racing tandem together – he was my training partner), reading and discussing topics, watching movies, playing and snuggling with our cat (now with him who I can’t see). Cooking together. It rips me apart to know I won’t be able to do these things again.
Is there an online network I could plug into? Do you think it is wise to talk to someone? Or find a support group? I am trying to push ahead but feel so horrible, I don’t know if I can.
Thank you in advance for your kindness and understanding. I appreciate any practical help you have.
Pam
Pam,
Thanks so much for taking the time to write.
The best I can say is to please, please be very gentle with yourself. Give yourself time to heal. This is all so new and, yes, family and friends may want you to move past it, but that is simply not possible, nor should you expect this of yourself. Time, gentleness, grieving, and feeling what you feel without critique or judgment are what will help. Yes, it is definitely wise to talk to someone and find whatever kind of support you can. This is a big loss and our culture doesn’t give it enough credence. However those of us who have been through it know that it is as devastating as you describe.
In terms of practical help, the best I can suggest is to speak to a therapist (a good one, not one who only wants to palm off medications on you) and rely on friends who will be patient with you. If it is possible for you to try the program in my book, I suggest that as well. It can seem impossible that meditation might help but over time it can, especially if you undertake it slowly and with kindness toward yourself.
Please do keep me/us posted.
Warmly, Susan
I can totally relate, being 53, after 20 years of marriage and a recent almost girlfriend that broke my heart in a huge way. I am pleased to say that after two months of letting go and carefully examining my part in all this, I feel much better. It has been a difficult time, but I do see the ‘light at the end of the tunnel.’ Hang in there.
S0 happy you’re feeling better, Steve! And it is kind of you to offer encouragement to others. Warmly, S
1. My break up occurred 1 month ago and since that time, my primary emotions have been sadness, loneliness, and emptiness.
2. The last time I felt feelings such as these was when a close friend committed suicide. What I notice when I compare these two experiences is that both took me by surprise and that made them even more painful.
3. The thing that has been the most difficult for me since this relationship ended is that the reason he gave for leaving was his current financial situation and family responsibilities. I would have given anything to convince him that I want to stay together despite the circumstances.
4. When I think about our break-up, the thought that plagues me over and over is wondering whether we could have been together forever if life had not intervened.
5. I feel the pain of this loss most acutely when I go to bed and wake up alone.
6. What I miss most about our relationship is the friendship, companionship, love, intimacy, care, and concern.
7. What I don’t miss about our relationship is nothing. We have never had a fight or disagreement.
8. The thing I regret most is he won’t know how much I still care for him and want the best for him.
9. The unforeseen benefit of this break up is I am learning how to be content in my own company again like I used to be.
10. If I could take him back right now, I would and here’s why: we were so comfortable together. There was so much openness, trust and commitment that I have never experienced a moment of doubt during the relationship.
11. The most important thing others need to know about healing a broken heart is what doesn’t kill us will make us stronger.
J, thanks for sharing your story. Your sadness and grief come through so clearly. Please know that you aren’t alone. I wish you all the blessings of this hard, hard journey.
Thanks Susan for your kind words. I have a question, even though I know it may be a tough one to answer. I have no idea what “closure” is supposed to be in this situation. I still love him very much and that’s why I don’t want to add to his burdens. If what he wrote in his text message was 100% truth, I have reasons to believe we separated only due to circumstances and he is hurting just like I am. I have accepted that he does not want to be in a relationship, but I can’t seem to “move on”. I’m still clinging on to hopes that there might be a second chance in future, although I know to hope means I’m setting myself up for possible disappointment. I guess it’s difficult because he has said he doesn’t wish to reply, therefore there’s no way to ask if there really is no other reason for the break up.
So my question is, how am I supposed to get closure? By the way, I have purchased your book and I will read it once I get my hands on it. Your posts on this blog have been a great help in the meantime.
Today I realised my question arises from a reluctance to let go. Although mentally I have accepted the breakup, I hold on to hopes because it’s less painful that way. Now that I have realised this, I’m going to let myself feel all the hurt.
Thank you, Susan. Your book gave me the courage to see my situation for what it is.
J, I appreciate the struggle with the idea of closure. In my experience, “closure” comes and goes. It is there and then it is gone, especially in the early phases of the situation. (And the early phase can take quite a while…) Please don’t worry because you will move on. If you start to look, you see that you already have. And then you have not. And so on. As time goes by, the periods of having moved on will last longer and longer.
Please keep me posted. Wishing you an easy journey, Susan
My break up occurred just over one year ago. Since that time my primary emotions have been anger, sadness, and fear.
The last time I felt feelings such as these was six years ago when I was in the throes of finishing my thesis and prepping for my defense. What I notice when I compare these two experiences is that in both situations, I was trying very hard to make something work that wasn’t working for me anymore. At the beginning of each – the relationship, grad school – I was idealistic, but truly following my heart and was so inspired and excited to grow and discover. At the end of each, it was clear that the path and doorways ahead were not what I wanted. With my relationship, it looked and felt right in some areas, and felt lonely and disconnected in others. It was so hard to accept that fact, and to simultaneously acknowledge the deep emotional love and connection, and yet our incompatibility at a foundational level. Same with the academic life: I loved the knowledge and learning, but to pursue a traditional academic career did not feel right for me; similarly, the loneliness and social disconnection (that is so intrinsic to research) seems to be my theme…
The thing that has been the most difficult for me since this relationship ended is feeling publicly rejected, and negotiating our mutual friendships. My ex is now engaged, to someone from our social group. I’ve been creating a new life for myself, new friends, new habits, new places to be social outside of our old haunts. I feel resentful and angry about silently yielding physical territory and certain communities to him, but it’s cleaner…less painful for me.
When I think about our break-up, the thoughts that plague me over and over are “What did I do wrong?” “If only I had been more this or that, we could’ve worked it out.” I still feel like I wasn’t good enough, worthy enough for him to want to work it out.
I feel the pain most acutely when I think of them (ex and the fiancée), see any of our mutual friends, or get any goddamn Facebook invites to an event from the “old gang.” Ugh.
What I miss most about our relationship is the affection, and the blissful domesticity of our partnership.
What I don’t miss about our relationship was the difficult communication we had. I know he was much better at showing than telling, but when under pressure, he just couldn’t talk about it and it frustrated me. I don’t miss the very big chasm of emotional maturity between us.
The thing I regret most is not being compassionate or giving when he asked for my presence. My ex is a very social, extroverted person. I am by nature introverted, so I find social gatherings, especially bars, pretty draining and I can only do so much. I wish I had taken the time to understand this more, and shown up to more socially. Or learned how to do it with a different attitude.
The unforeseen benefit of this break up is the profound change in direction with my artistic endeavors. I’m back to my music after a very long hiatus, and now it’s truly coming from a soulful place that touches people, in a way that I had not done before.
If I could take him back now, I would not – because I realize I need to be with a partner who has a growing sense of spirit and spirituality. That’s important to me – unless things have changed, I don’t think it’s important to him.
The most important thing others need to know about healing a broken heart is to take your time. I really wanted to get over this as quickly as possible, so I was in denial of a lot of pain in order to ‘look good’ and ‘I’m over it.’ However, today – a year later(!) is when I sense that the healing is beginning for me. That first year was chock full of feelings and emotions. But it’s quieter now. It’s easier to listen to what my heart needs now that it’s stopped crying.
Cindy, this sounds unbelievably intense. I so appreciate you taking the time to share your story and your feelings. It is really wonderful that you are turning to your art. As a fellow introvert, I know how wonderful it can be to reconnect with your inner life in this way. And thank you for encouraging others to give themselves time and be gentle toward themselves. This is the most important thing.
Wishing you love in all things, Susan
A year ago my first love, of then 5 years, celebrated the possibility of a new beginning together. I had just turned 24 and he, finishing his undergraduate education and me beginning the last few courses to complete my own, celebrated an engagement to mark the celebration of the love we had blossomed and the spiritual journey we were about to take together. Being both young and yet having given one another space to grow and evolve spiritually was the beauty we gave to one another. I felt completely joyous having him in my life.
Yet, a week into the engagement I began to experience the beginnings of cold feet, I was scared of commitment. Thoughts of “what have I not experienced, are we too young, should I explore life on my own, in my own solitude (we started dating the end of high school, my first boyfriend, love and sexual partner)?” began to surface and I questioned and rejected the engagement. Needless to say, this was painful to my partner who had opened his heart to me. It took a few days to settle and in that short time I felt as though I was losing the love of my life. So, why not pursue this journey? What we had built was so beautiful and could have the potential to continue as such. He graciously reaccepted my ‘yes’ and both decided to take the engagement slowly.
However, my early questioning did not bring on a level of security, as much as I loved and cared for my partner. I was afraid to wear the engagement ring, feeling judged by my own thoughts of possibly being too young or limiting my options though at the time, I thought these judgments were coming from my peers, friends and mentors. I now know they were my own projections. I also felt limited to whom I could tell the wonderful news. I never announced our engagement to extended family, I only confided in a few friends we were to be married, and I felt ashamed to admit to a culture that questioned the institution of marriage that ‘yes’ I wanted to be married.
This is when we began to grow apart. My partner, an amazing individual with a beautiful heart and mind always open to the unknown of the universe, began to focus more heavily on his passions. The town in which we live has a strong music culture and him being a musician and artist he has been very well connected in the community. At the same time of our engagement he accepted an Americorp job as a caseworker for a homeless youth drop-in center. Something very intense but something others saw he had a skill in working. I, on the other hand, continued to complete my education while working multiple jobs in the health sciences to attempt to pursue a goal of being a medical doctor. Time became something we shared little of.
I became aware that though we were still engaged, he was starting to question his own commitment and desire to stay in the relationship. Silly, but a peak at his Facebook status noted he had changed his relationship status from “engaged” to “it’s complicated” in January. It hurt, but I was also experiencing the same thing so did not address this much and rather gave us both space.
End of February we decided to move into a cute 2-bedroom house together, an upgrade from the studio apartment we had shared over the last 3 years. The night before making our final decision, we went to see “The Illusionist.” In the last scene of the film, there is a moment in all the silence where your heart opens to the pain of growing up with the loss of creative life, magic and possibility that beautifully consumes us in childhood. I held my partner’s hand when I turned to see tears rolling down his checks. It was a painful and delicate moment I had felt honored to share with him. I felt my heart open to love and loss at the same time as intuition told me he needed to go even though there was a great love shared between us. I felt his loss of childhood and his necessary need for him to explore being a young man and independent individual. With me he could not fully experience these things. And a past had maybe had withheld his full development.
At the beginning of our relationship, his mother had undergone a severe wave of depression. I remember our first date to the big city from our small town he received a call from his sister asking him to come home as “mom was acting crazy.” We rushed home and his mother was experiencing a delusion of God’s punishment; she was hearing God tell her he was going to take away her children. My partner’s father was away on a fishing trip, and thus he was left to comfort her while I tried to draw attention away from the situation by playing a board game with his sisters.
After that initial breakdown, his mother had attempted over the next months suicide. Eventually she was admitted to a mental hospital where the family waited a few months to have her come home for Christmas. Once home, she again had a suicide attempt. This left the family in complete despair and it wasn’t until May that she returned home having undergone extensive psychological treatment.
During this year I went away to the city for my first year of college. My partner, with one year to go in high school, would visit every weekend. My first year away, I sank into depression. I was processing the trauma of his mother, the new world of solitude & independence, new friends with dark pasts, and my own relationship concerns with my parents. We clung to one another tightly that first year nurturing a protective force of love and safety.
As time passed we were also growing and our love grew too. I felt that after the first couple of years of space, healing and personal growth from long distance we had set the beginnings of really solid foundation in our love. I decided to transfer schools to attend college where he had been going (at this point we were together 3 years). Living with him was an adventure. My personality was quiet, introverted and reflective while his was extroverted, creative and always wanting to live on the edge. I remember his train-hopping jaunt, a couple hitch-hiking experiences, his connection to punk music, selling art on the streets, part-taking in various music ventures, his love of forming community with anyone who was different but offered something, posting tags and making street art making concrete design ominous against nature’s beauty. This is what brought me joy; this is why I will always love him.
Yet, as we were settling and questioning the acceptance of a committed life together there was a feeling I believe we both shared but never spoke. We had reached a point where we were no longer growing. As he put it on the night of our breakup, we were just too different.
The day we moved into our home I spoke out of fear that deep down I knew I would lose him. “If we move into this house, I need you to promise you will help us make a home together.” I was stating demands out of my own insecurity rather than accepting the need to let go for his own and even my own happiness. At this point in the relationship I was clinging to hold on, making other stipulations in hopes he would feel compelled to stay, one even my mother suggested: “if you can’t commit I need to move on.” From a background in poor communication and passive-aggressive tendencies, I resorted to a conditioned behavior; a power dynamic of demands that of which I am ashamed of and one that I resorted to out of fear. I want to tell him I am sorry for this. Deep down, I just wanted him to be happy and find love, the hopes of it being with me.
After moving into our new home, he left for 10 days end of April with his band to go on tour. When he returned, I saw even less of him. Shows, friends, the punk scene seemed to take priority. I began to feel abandoned, coming home from a long day of work and school I wanted to have someone to be there to simply love and support me. It was difficult to be part of his life. I had spent so much time trying to keep up with school that to stay out late and maintain adequate health and energy to get through the week was difficult. Our conversations dwindled with my exhaustion and our unshared experiences. There seemed to be a point where science and art could not collaborate, though as many know the two topics were created simultaneously (without one there could not be the other). We had lost the ability to understand and therefore communicate as well as listen to one another’s needs. In May we took a break, still living together, but taking the time to reflect if things were working and if we were right for one another.
At that point, he started to bring up how he met a girl in Oakland on tour and that he felt attracted to her. The information hurt, but I accepted it. Only when they began to send letters back and forth did it really hurt. Over the summer he began to change his style, becoming more handsome, hip and connected with the music scene. I felt exhausted and emotionally depressed, taking little time to take care of myself (in fact I had two sinus infections and massive headaches during this time). I was trying to focus on studying for the MCAT, but felt emotionally and physically unable to do so. Eventually there hit a greater point of disconnect where things became tense.
After reading a book on the basics of love communication I discovered that I was not getting what I needed from him, which was the support needed to grow. Confronting him on this, I received a devastating response, which was he didn’t know if he could love, appreciate or support me. I knew I had to move out. However, that week we took a break and he came back seeming to want to make things work. He loved and cared for me. But after a month it all fell apart.
While we both took vacations with friends to different sides of the country, I came home to a feeling I was dreading but hoped would be false. The night he picked me up from the airport from the East Coast, he stated, “I’m moving to San Francisco. I don’t know if I want to be in a relationship, I want to have relationships with other people and I don’t think I can love you the way you deserve to be loved.” This was devastating and the aficionado to the breakup.
It’s hard to accept a breakup and needless to say for the month following, I was trying to figure out what it all meant. I was twisting my mind around its existence. Was it real? We had come so far and gone through so much, I felt we could work it out even. But reflecting on my feelings and looking back at my own observations of him the break just had to happen. I don’t regret or hate him for this inn fact I still love him with the same passion as any point in our past relationship. As I can tell the breakup ended naturally. He at one point, weeks after the breakup, stated he didn’t want to grow up and was discovering his needs and how I couldn’t meet them. Reading books by bell hooks, Maria Rainer Rilke, and Rosenberg I discovered it wasn’t so much about my inability to meet his needs as it was about his and my desire to feel free to explore who we innately are. To become grounded in ourselves so we can actually be there to support and be part of another’s life journey. To know and be in love. We were young, had not experienced things apart or in solitude and the inevitability of being with your first love is unlikely without growth.
I am still accepting the situation and working towards moving on. I know he too is on his own journey, learning about whom he needs and what he wants. I can tell he is just unsure as me about what’s next, in fact he ended up not moving to San Francisco and has been changing his life for what sounds like the better, knowing this adventure is worth taking. I hope one day, when healing and growth have fully evolved we will come together in a new way. Without expectations
The most difficult part of the process has been the acceptance that he is intimately involved with someone else. Though it was bound to happen and will likely happen for myself, you feel the most loss when you watch love move on. But even in this new pain of loss, I have learned that prior to his new relationship we did have love. We were motivated and taking the journey to support our spiritual growth. We had past the point of lust and attraction and were practicing with each other what it means to truly love.
Three months post breakup I am already stronger. I have discovered a great deal about myself and I’m changing negative tendencies to be self-sustaining rather than self-destructive. I am now taking a journey to pursue my creative self, abandoning (maybe temporarily, maybe forever) my past pursuits in medicine. I am finding that being raw and letting your heart remain open after the pain of a breakup puts one closer to an uncovering of their unconscious, opening one up to a sacred metamorphosis.
Thanks so much for your story. I am hurting a lot but your story gives me hope.
Sarah, thank you for sharing your story with such heart and soul–and for your commitment to emerging from this experience stronger and more loving than ever. Wishing you a wonderful journey, Susan
I have read each posted story and am embraced by both a sense of kinship & compassion, largely due to the shared similarities in most everyone’s tale of woe. Male or female makes no difference…sorrow knows each gender.
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My story in a nutshell: was led to believe via both words & actions my ex loved me/was in love with me. That our last time together affirmed this & a pet name she had for me was still applied couldn’t prepare me for the truth: she broke up with me – over the phone – with no specifics: just ‘I’ve moved on’, ‘we weren’t on the same page’ and ‘its’ not you it’s me.’ Found out the harsh details from her own sister: the sis relayed my ex hadn’t been in love with me for years, was looking for a way to get (me) out of her life, only stayed in the relationship due to her needs (sexual), was worried that I might be moving back together with her in the future (that was our plan). I eventually got my ex to admit one thing: she loved me like a family member; can’t figure that one out. Tried to get some rationale: she told me she didn’t want to see me again & said that she didn’t owe me anything/explanation. Oh, & also to leave her alone. Very odd. She is bitter at me and I can’t buy a clue as to why. Just go away, don’t look back, that’s the way she does things. Told her I’m sorry but I’m not that hard/love deeper than that. So now, 3 + months later, haven’t seen her and she says she’s moved on, it is over. Oh, and this: I had always asked her how we were doing & she’d always answered ok/in the positive. Having found out otherwise, she tells me she’d consider it a ‘lack of respect’ if I tried seeing her. Guess her lack of respect via lying to my face for years doesn’t matter; no, only her feelings.
Well, that’s the gist.
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My story is still evolving. I was in a 20+ year relationship, living together half the time (beginning), and separately (latter) due to family & career circumstance – long distance is the term.
My break up occurred 3 months ago & since that time my primary emotions have been variously betrayal, disbelief, sadness & anger. Also being used, manipulated, lied to and discovering how trusting too much & being blind was my fault.
The last time I felt feelings such as these was never – my divorce years ago was painful. This current parting has left me pondering whether going to sleep and not waking up would be preferable to enduring one more moment of grief.
What I notice when I compare these two experiences is time or moreso the former experience does NOT make it any easier the 2nd (or whatever) time around. In fact, it can hurt even more.
The thing thats been the most difficult for me since this relationship ended is watching a dream become a nightmare, that and the loss of illusion: believing someone was sincere and discovering instead they were a snake posing as a partner.
When I think about our break-up, the thought or thoughts that plagues me over & over is: the feeling having been calculatingly used via a ‘test’ / exit plan I alone (apparently) was unaware of, though my ex, her sister (others too?) were privy to. Discovering how much a person has changed from the one who first attracted you to is devastating: from sweet girl to bitter pill.
I feel the pain of this loss most acutely when I am conscious… thus do I pursue sleep like a drowning man clings to shipwreck.
What I miss most about our relationship is the meaning it gave to my life, or so I believed. What I don’t miss is the realization that what I had believed was committed love was in fact convenience.
The thing I regret most in hindsight is ever having met her at all: almost a quarter century gone for naught; hell of a price to pay for learning experience. All the wonderful experience devalued – I now question them, each & every one in the rear view mirror. Am I now bitter? You bet. For those who embrace ‘was a learning experience’, more so was affirmation some people (based upon the evidence blog commentary herein their own treatment the hands of others) are in fact more committed than others to a relationship… rather than ‘we’ more so for them a matter of ‘I’, run amuck.
The unforeseen benefit of this break up is: it beats me. I get to wallow in emotional despair, scarred but wiser perhaps. Lovely.
If I could take her back right now, I would take her out back and… well, suffice to say I should not want to take her back, can’t trust her any more. I’m in love with a memory, a mirage that once was but became corrupted somehow. Trust & love can be restored, I believe: whether the effort should be made, debatable. Were I to take her back (and she I), it would only be meeting halfway upon both sets our knees as a gesture of our mutual shortcomings.
The most important thing others need to know about healing a broken heart is all the heartfelt things other folks have already alluded to herein. I would only add this: what you gain learning experience you lose sense of innocence, no matter your age: an belief in love, trust & the like.
Caveat emptor: is it better to have loved & lost than to never have loved/been loved at all? Caveat emptor, to each their own.
Dave, what a story. Of course you are bitter and despairing. Who wouldn’t be? At the same time, your heart is still soft and open.
Please proceed with gentleness and kindness toward yourself. There is no easy way to get over this, especially in three or four months. If it’s helpful, please know that you are not alone and that you will NOT always feel this way. Sending prayers and strength, Susan
I actually wrote an essay on this after the experience (I’m #38, above): http://www.modernloverejects.com/?p=794#more-794. The Wisdom of a Broken Heart appears prominently! It’s been just two years since the breakup now. I thought I might never get over him, but I have. Mostly
Loved reading it! Your humor, smarts, and courage really come through. Thanks for sending the link. xo S
Thank you, Susan. I can’t tell you how your book comforted and helped me. All I had come across were what you call the “You Go, Girl!” books, which were sympathetic but not all that helpful. When I first read about you standing on a street corner on trash day in bare feet, something in me relaxed and I realized this was what I needed to know.
My ex and I’ve been broken up for over two years now! I’m dating someone else, it’s very different. But then I think, different is good. Thanks again. xox
Glad we’re on the path together–
1. My break up occurred almost five months ago (the day after my grandmother’s funeral – how’s that for consideration?) and since that time, my primary emotions have been jealousy, anger, and regret.
2. The last time I felt feelings such as these was when I almost left him summer of 2010 (same problem too). What I notice when I compare these two experiences is that although we tried so hard to make it work, something would always come up that would make us fall apart. I also realized that I deserve more respect and appreciation than what he showed me. Maybe that came out sounding egotistical, but I only meant to say that I have gone through the realization that I don’t deserve a roller-coaster relationship with someone who doesn’t know what he wants and therefore deludes himself. Everyone deserves to feel secure and happy, including myself.
3. The thing that has been the most difficult for me since this relationship ended is, oddly enough, seeing activity on Facebook (even though I de-friended him in an attempt to prevent this). We have friends in common and every once in a while I still see his activity because of this. The reason he broke off our (admittedly foolish) engagement was to ask out one of my very good friends. I eventually had to hide her from my Facebook feed, even though I still care about her, because it makes me feel upset to see them being friendly…especially when I know he asked her out less than three months after breaking up with me. She said yes, then talked to me about my feelings and canceled the date, which leaves me feeling very confused about our relationship. It sucks that I don’t know where I stand with someone who’s been my friend since sixth grade.
4. When I think about our break-up, the thoughts that plague me over and over are, “Why did I say yes when he proposed? … I should have had a stronger spine and stayed broken up with him the summer before … I don’t think he ever cared about me as much as even HE thought he did … Maybe he always liked her better … He always knew what to say to convince me to take him back, which makes me feel deceived, because in the end, all he wanted was to be with her … Breaking up with me was probably the most sensible thought that ever crossed his mind, because marrying into this would have been a nightmare.”
5. I feel the pain of this loss most acutely when I am reminded of his sense of humor or his smile. It also hurts when I see muscle cars from the ’70’s and hear Led Zeppelin; when I realize that certain things I say or like are because of him; and that one time last month where I almost said, “My boyfriend” at the beginning of a sentence out of habit.
6. What I miss most about our relationship is the openness, humor, and trust we had at one time.
7. What I don’t miss about our relationship is how I had to convince him to establish a bond with my family, the extreme insecurity of feeling that I had to compete, and the constant uncertainty and feelings of inadequacy.
8. The thing I regret most is not realizing much sooner that I was in a pointless relationship – love makes you blind. I also very much regret losing ties with his family.
9. The unforeseen benefit of this break up is that all of a sudden, I had a surge of self-confidence that never existed while I was with him. Instead of feeling worthless, inadequate, and apologetic just for being me, I suddenly feel like I deserve better. And someday, when I’m ready, I’ll find better.
10. If I could take him/her back right now, I would not and here’s why: The damage done to our relationship is irreversible. While someday I may be able to forgive him, I never wish to even speak with him again. He was bad for my internal dialogue about myself.
11. The most important thing others need to know about healing a broken heart is that it is a process. Heartbreak is hard, it’s personal, and it happens in stages. It’s basically grief. It can strike you at the weirdest times. ALWAYS keep in mind that everything will be okay. It really will. And it’s never worth it to beat yourself up over things you can’t control…in fact, don’t beat yourself up or hold grudges against yourself at all! It’s not worth the damage.
Two years ago I met a woman through work and we quickly hit it off. She was very friendly, smart and charming; she flirted with me and I soaked it up- it’s rare for we non-Brad-Pitts to have attractive women be so obviously desiring of us. We also shared the same politics/values/musical tastes/sense of humor/just about everything and had a great time hanging out. When we finally ended up in bed I was reminded of how great lovemaking could be. We seemed to be as perfectly matched in bed as out. For me the sex was almost transcendentally pleasurable, and she too indicated she loved our lovemaking- seared into my memory is her saying I was a “10 out of 10″ in bed (part of a running joke we shared, so not as cheesy as it might sound).
However, that bright blue sky became pitch black in short order, because it turned out that as I was falling in love with her, she was falling in love with someone else. In fact, as luck would have it, a few days after our first sexual encounter she met the man she would fall head over heels for. I was dumped within a month, at what was for me not even yet the pinnacle of our blissful honeymoon period. I was devastated and remain desperately sad about it to this day. When she ended it, I couldn’t contain my hurt, and I lashed out at her (I think, mildly) for what I perceived as the insensitivity of how she did it- in a restaurant (over a meal I just started but promptly couldn’t eat another bite of) and telling me essentially she was madly in love with another man and, in a reversal of previous talks, that she and I had basically nothing anyway.
During that month we were an ‘item’ I did find out certain unpleasant things about her: She told me, for one, she tended to fall for men who were beneath her in status – poorer, less smart/educated, unemployed/underemployed, and worse. I apparently didn’t fall into this category- which was both a modest compliment, but also a painful signal from her that she wasn’t that ‘into’ me. (No, I wasn’t proclaiming my love by any means but I guess she picked up on something.) She’s in a ‘helping’ profession and I’ve since read that some women in that field become attracted to the people they’re supposed to be helping. She in fact volunteered to me that she’d had two affairs of this sort.
In addition to major ethical lapses, she demonstrated to me in that month, and the odd time I’ve seen her since, a host of qualities that should drive me far, far away, but don’t: narcissism, selfishness, a very bad temper, sometimes gross insensitivity (and not just to me), boastfulness, and a blithe willingness to inflict pain. More red flags include a bizarre and very bad childhood, and a series of short-term romances.
Her new relationship didn’t last very long (just two months) because this man had issues she found she couldn’t actually tolerate (serious drug addiction, psychotic episodes). For about 15 seconds after hearing that news I was in heaven. And then she surprised me by indicating she didn’t want to rekindle anything with me. I remain surprised to this day, as she has rejected my advances twice and has never once initiated contact with me since our breakup.
I somehow can go 3-4 months without contacting her but keep caving in around that time. I find during those periods of non-contact that the pain subsides somewhat but it is always still there, all the time. So I regularly weaken, and we’ve met a few times for conversation wherein she has demonstrated her insensitivity again by casually mentioning not only that she’s dating, but telling me about certain sexual acts she has engaged in with guys she has been seeing (no, I don’t ask about or encourage this talk). She never seems to lack for a bed companion (unlike me) and from what she’s let slip about the latest men in her life, they seem to fit the pattern of guys she can feel superior to.
Despite all this- the apathy, the hurt she inflicts, the major personality flaws I now know she has- my heart yearns for her deeply. I know it’s crazy but I can’t seem to escape this desire. I have never before had this kind of mad longing for either a woman who is totally disinterested or for one fraught with unattractive qualities. This woman is both.
All of her flaws have zero affect on my heart. I know they are in her, but the woman she presents (still) is insanely attractive to me: she’s pretty, charming, laughs often and smiles easily, is intelligent, seemingly caring, etc. In addition to all that, I know from experience we have amazing sexual chemistry. It’s this discrepancy that somewhat drives me mad- why can’t I see past the superficial wonderfulness of her and really understand that that is not the person she really is?
And of course, the other thing that drives me mad is ‘Why?’ Why did she go from pursuing me, to having a great time with me, to total disinterest? If I’m not her type why did she pursue me in the first place? For me, I’ve never just one day decided I don’t like a woman anymore, without having some sort of reason (I can’t imagine what hers is and we have never talked about it- my best guess is that she was turned off by my reaction to being dumped- she’s referred a few time to something I said then, but on the other hand seems to understand I was speaking out of hurt). Anyway, I know the big “WHY?!” is ground zero for we legions of broken-hearted, and sadly, I think almost none of us get that question answered.
Not having anyone serious in my life all this time hasn’t helped. That’s what worked for me 20 years ago when my heart was broken like this.
Until I do meet someone who can help me forget her, any help from anyone would be much appreciated. And if you’ve got this far I appreciate just being heard by you.
1. My break up occurred 1 year, 9 months ago and since that time, my primary emotions have been: sadness, confusion, anger (at myself, at her, at ‘fate’), and guilt for not being able to keep away from her.
2. The last time I felt feelings such as these was 20 years before. What I notice when I compare these two experiences is that this pain has lasted much longer.
3. The thing that has been the most difficult for me since this relationship ended is forgetting her. However, if that question means what’s been most EMOTIONALLY difficult, it would be hearing her talk about seeing other men, especially when she throws in sexual details.
4. When I think about our break-up, the thoughts that plague me over and over are: How did she go from being very interested to very indifferent when we had had such a great time together? Why do I feel so strongly about her?- especially in the face of her apathy, and the unpleasant things I now know about her. How can someone SEEM so perfect for me (and I for her), and yet have such a dark and ugly side? I feel the pain of this loss most acutely when I recollect those small sex details she’s dropped on me.
5. What I miss most about our relationship is sex, and great times hanging out, laughing and talking.
6. What I don’t miss about our relationship is the occasional crazy things she said which I had to bite my tongue about because she is very sensitive (about herself).
7. The thing I regret most is getting angry when she broke up with me, both because that may have ruined my chances for later, and because I’m sorry she saw how it affected me.
8. The unforeseen benefit of this break up is a very serious examination of my entire life, and a movement towards Buddhism, better mental and physical health, better relationships with people.
9. If I could take her back right now, I would and here’s why: a partial reclamation of my pride (though I know turning down any advances she might make would, if I could and was of this mindset, give me more reason to be proud. I also would because I am crazy enough about her to think it still, somehow, could work.
10. The most important thing others need to know about healing a broken heart is: For me, I believe finding someone else is key. Before this last experience I would have said it was ‘time will heal’ but I no longer believe that. Finding someone else is what worked for me 20 years ago and as my heart hasn’t healed in almost two years, I expect that’s what I need this time too. What ‘others need to know’ I can’t say as I think there’s no one thing that will work for everyone in all the many permutations of personality, situation and relationship dynamics that come together in a broken heart.