Category — enneagram

Every day we are faced with countless judgment calls about life’s events: Is this project going well or poorly? Is it better to push or withdraw regarding a conflict with a colleague? Right now, does my child need my loving presence or a stern reminder?

These are very nuanced questions. What is the best way to answer them?

Karen Horney’s directional theory is very useful in this regard. In 1945, this German Freudian psychoanalyst proposed three ways people defend themselves psychically: they either move toward danger to pacify it, against danger to combat it, or away from it to avoid it. Although we employ all three, one of these is usually our default response to what frightens us. (Another is secondary and the third is often our blind spot.)

The twitter board (which I love) is a great place to observe this. Even with all the little cues we use to convey intention (emoticons, asterisks, exclamation points) we still don’t always know what someone means and so react to what we imagine is meant. Some tweets seem designed to combat, some to create closeness, others to deflect.

As mentioned, we each have our preferred style. For example, my style is to move away from people and things I don’t like. I’m a fabulous disappear-er-er. I’d much rather move on than engage or pacify conflict. This is what makes me feel safe. (Remember, we move in the direction we think will bring safety.) On the other hand, my husband finds security in moving against. When we have a terrifying scream-fest (or what he calls a “robust conversation”), he feels that we’re really getting to the heart of the matter, really solving our problems once and for all. I suddenly really, really need to wash my hair. I’ll do anything to get away him. What to do? When I feel his energy moving against me, if I can drop my style and move toward him, I can often provide the sense of connection he’s looking for from a fight, but without the fight. Then we can actually talk about whatever is bothering us.

In addition, beyond personalities, situations seem to move toward, against, or away from us. It can be very helpful to determine the direction of a particular endeavor at any point in time. Negotiations are great for these types of determinations: when trying to push your agenda forward, is it time to fight, befriend, or say nothing?

It can be said that toward, against, and away are the three ways energy itself moves. There is nothing mysterious about this; a proper read of the energy leads to much more effective action. It’s very practical.

So when you have to face a situation or a person, it can be tremendously helpful to ask these three questions:

What direction am I moving in regarding this situation or person?
What direction is it moving in?
In determining my actions (or non-actions), is my decision based solely on my particular style or is it a skillful assessment of the circumstance itself?

Karen Horney. You go girl.

PS The enneagram, of course, utilizes the directional theory

Whenever I find myself in a conversation about interpersonal difficulties (“my boss is a screamer,” “I can’t get my boyfriend to ever be on time”) I always ask, “have you ever heard of the enneagram? I get one of four responses:
1. No. Please move on.
2. Isn’t that some kind of personality test? That stuff is all bullshit.
3. Yes, I’m a six.
4. I haven’t. Please tell me all about it.

My favorite is person #4. Here is what I tell them.

The Enneagram is a pitch-perfect illustration of your own and others’ blind spots, of what we do over and over to cause our own problems. The Enneagram is the best system I ever heard of to explain the differences between people—in a way that increases self-knowledge, understanding, and patience–and teaches how to relate to others without difficulty. It is an extraordinary system of personality typing. It is extremely subtle yet totally useful in real life. It enables you to communicate effectively with anyone.

Here is a true story about putting the enneagram to use at work:

Once I was hired to run a new division for a record label. It was sort of a pet project for the CEO of the company and so we worked together closely. It was fairly complicated and I often ran into problems putting our ideas into play. But whenever I would say to him, I’ve run into a bit of a problem on thus and such and I’d love to discuss it with you,” he’d hem and haw and make excuses for why he had no time for such discussions. This left me feeling pretty much like a loser and I’d beat myself up for not being able to accomplish things that he obviously thought should be straightforward. Stewing further, I’d start to curse him for insensitivity and arrogance. I began to avoid him and he, me. Not good conditions for getting the job done.

Then I realized his enneagram type. He was a 7. 7s avoid pain and problems. Their focus is almost exclusively on possibilities and options. They view problems as bummer dead weights around their necks that prevent them from being visionary. (For my type, we view problems as a sign that the truth is coming out and now we can really get to work.) For better and worse, a 7’s gaze is continually pulled toward the horizon, toward what could be. When circumstance asks them to stop looking into the future and instead focus on the present, they become querulous and discombobulated: why would anyone want to do that?? I took all this into consideration and the next time I had a problem and stopped him in the hall, I said “I have an idea and would love your feedback.” His eyes lit up and he made time for conversation on the spot. Then I toldl him my problem, but languaged as an idea. This simple switch took out all the BS of he likes me, he hates me, I hate him, I suck, etc, etc–and we could instead simply focus on task. This is the brilliance of the enneagram.

I tell people that “ennea” is the Greek prefix for nine and the system defines nine personality types. Each is simply called by its number. (People have made up names for each point on the Enneagram, but I think they’re more confusing than helpful, so I’m just going to stick with numbers). At this point their eyes narrow. Is this person going to try and pigeonhole me, they wonder. I CAN’T BE DEFINED BY ONE NUMBER, they say to themselves. YES YOU CAN, I say to myself.

Click here to read the rest of my completely unauthorized thoughts on the subject.

Click here for a super detailed Excel spreadsheet depicting aspects of the Enneagram.

This is in reponse to Kirby’s comments on this posting.

Kirby, hi and thanks for writing. When you say you’ve been typed by experts, what does that mean? Have you met with enneagram teachers or taken classes? Just curious.

You’re right, the books really contradict each other. And so do many teachers. That’s one reason why, when it comes to enneagram typing, your hunches are most important. Second most important is to locate a teacher you really trust and read his or her work thoroughly. The two I value the very, very most are Helen Palmer and Eli Jaxon-Bear. Their books are my favorites and I’ve re-read both many times. However, what I got the most value from were Helen’s audio book and Eli’s audio book. I’ve had both audio sets in my car for probably 5 years and I listen to them over and over, randomly. Or when I’m about to meet with someone I feel nervous about, I listen to the tape about them when I feel confident I know their type.

I agree with you that thinking of your young self is very important when trying to type yourself. This is when your responses and aspirations were less processed. Soif young Kirby seemed more fourish, I’d count that as another vote for 4.

I can’t really say that any particular test typed me more accurately than another. It was more of a cumulative thing. And then I made friends with someone who knows the enneagram very, very well and he helped me type myself with confidence. So, again, it’s really a combination of factors: reading, taking tests, and trying to talk with people who know the enneagram. Once you know it, it’s not so hard to tell who is who. Although it’s very important to always, always, always leave room for doubt. No one wants to be ghetto-ized as a number and it can be harmful to do that to others or to yourself. So keep doubting.

If you can find your subtype (or instinctual variant), that can be helpful in defining type.

Enneagram numbers are like flavors of ice cream. You can’t quite explain what strawberry tastes like, but you know it when you taste it. It’s similar with the types–often, I don’t know exactly why, but I’ll feel certain that this one is an 8 and that one is a 2. It just feels a certain way to be around them.

As you may  have read, I’m a big fan of the Enneagram. But how do you figure  out which of the nine personality types fits you??

It’s not so easy. It’s not like it’s based on your birthday or year or anything external. You basically just have to figure it out. Here are some places to begin typing yourself:

1. Read whatever you can get your hands on until you realize which type you are (takes a long time)

2. Attend a program or workshop about the Enneagram and consult with a legitimate teacher (takes time and/or money)

3. Take any and all of the free Enneagram tests you can find online and see if a consensus emerges. The problem is, all the tests basically suck. There are just too many ways to interpret something like “I often refrain from acting, as I’m afraid of being overwhelmed.” Plus the tests are all constructed via the filter of the teacher and they all have slightly different takes. There are longer tests, but you have to buy them and I just don’t think it’s worth it. But if you take 5 free Enneagram tests and three times you come up as a 7, that might be a clue. Then if you read about 7s and still feel that it’s accurate, you could become even more confident.

I just went online and took 3 free tests just to see what would happen. I’m very confident that I’ve typed myself accurately as a 4 but one test typed me as a 5 first (4 came in 5th), another typed me as an 8 and a third was accurate.

4. Ask yourself the following questions:
*Do I consider myself a person who primarily runs on instinct, feeling, or reason? (8, 9, 1 are instinct types; 2, 3, 4 are feeling types; 5, 6, 7 are mental types)

*Very, very generally speaking, if I had to choose, do I move energetically toward, against, or away from people?
(Some Enneagram teachers believe that 1, 4, 5 move away from others; 3, 7, 8 move against; 2, 6, 9 move toward.)

So if you’re a head type who moves away, you might be a 5. Or if you were an instinct person who moves away, you could be a 1.

*When things aren’t going well, do I mostly get angry, anxious, or depressed?
(Instinct people get angry; head types become anxious; heart types become depressed.)

5. All of the above. (This is the best option.)

If it’s not too distracting, it can be very fun to try to type people in movies or tv shows. For example, I just say Michael Clayton and I believe George Clooney was playing a 9.

Feel free to ask me any questions you’d like.

predictable self-deceptions
their consequences
and antidotes

there are 9 of each

I am right.
Everyone else wrong.
I trust that things are righter than I can ever know.

I am needed.
So you better treat me right.
I give without agenda.

I am important.
I will overwhelm you with my credentials.
I have no need to spread propaganda about myself.

I am special.
Life will never live up to me.
I’m happy to be an ordinary person.

I have studied the situation thoroughly.
So leave me alone.
I trust the right knowledge to come to me at the right time.

I am secure.
As long as I don’t take any chances.
I believe that when I leap, the net will appear.

I have no problems
And therefore, no interest in yours.
It’s okay to cry and be hopeless sometimes.

I’m in charge.
Of you, so you better do what I say.
I offer my power to others for their protection.

I love everyone and everyone loves me.
So it’s time to relax with the remote and a beer.
I have fearless belief in myself and work hard on my own agenda.

The enneagram has endless wisdom, from which I’ve drawn to write what’s above. As I was typing it, I noticed that taken together, the 9 blue statements make a pretty good all-purpose creed.