Category — i couldn't help but wonder

A friend asked me how I reconcile myself now (Buddhist, meditation teacher, writer) with who I was then (ass kicking tough girl) and I really don’t think they’re any different. It was so nice of him to ask me that. Here’s what I said to him.

Thank you for asking me how I saw myself then. When I think about it, I think I saw myself much the same as I do now. But the expression then was different than now. The older I get, the more aware I am that my whole life has been about one thing: trying to be as alive as I can, and in that sense to dive into what is painful rather than avoid it. I had nothing to do with this plan. It’s pre-programmed, I’m convinced.

I became a G. A. because I was broke and living in a shitty apt that people would break into to steal drugs from the upstairs neighbors who were crack dealers. I lived alone. I didn’t want to run and hide but I also didn’t want to be stupid. So I gathered that I had to toughen up. Go out on the street and look at what was so scary. Hey, lots of people lived like this. Was I going to let what I was afraid of dictate who I was and where I lived? Hells no. Training to become a G.A. seemed to be smart way to land right on the dot of what I wanted: seeing; not running; trying to shift circumstances in the name of good. If this was what my life was presenting to me, I didn’t want to turn away. This has always been my m.o., for better and worse. I don’t know if you gave much attention to the enneagram (and don’t feel you should, it’s an extremely dense body of knowledge) but I’m a self-preservation 4. The nickname for this type is “reckless/dauntless” which means the fixation of the 4 (sadness and longing) expresses with a kind of kamikaze energy. This fits me to a t. Just as with any personal truth, when I’m aware of it, it acts to protect me. When I am asleep to it, it presents itself as an obstacle. So in my youth there were many obstacles and lots of impassioned actions such as moving out of my parents’ house when I was 16, living out of the country for 3 years as a kid (without them), basically refusing to go to college, becoming a GA, earning my living as a bartender, etc, etc. On the surface these things may have looked like courage or liveliness, but underneath they were in large part an expression of pain, even cowardice. I’m not any less of a safety-seeker than those who attempt to create a risk-free existence. Taking risks has been my effort to create safety. If that makes any sense. Wow, long-winded about moi. Thanks for giving me the chance to say these things.

In any case, whoever you are now, whoever you were then, whoever you will be in the future are all exactly the same. I’m absolutely convinced that your completely unique and profoundly important gifts are given to you at birth and and make their appearance (at least in part) in the guise of neurosis. A great life is one spent in an effort to pierce the veil, to uncover the wisdom in the neurosis. It’s totally, absolutely there, just like a jewel suddenly discovered amidst the dust. (Which is a Buddhist metaphor for the discovery of compassion.) So my life has proceeded in a linear fashion, absolutely. But only given my life’s own internal logic. It’s enormously valuable to uncover your own internal logic.

I appreciate you who come here to read my blog. I keep up with the stats every now and then and am so happy about the amount of visitors. I’m about to start a site re-design. I’m looking for input in two areas:

First, what do you enjoy reading about?? My interests are so varied: Buddhism, music, relationships, marriage, my own personal life (of course!), pop culture, personal organization, and the Enneagram. Till now I’ve just been writing whatever I feel inclined to, from little observation-ish things to personal essays. What would like to read more of? When you come to this site, what are you hoping to read about? Take away? Any and all thoughts are welcome. Please e-mail susan@susanpiver.com

If you’re a design person, do you have any suggestions for look and feel? As it is now, the site seems a bit cramped and I’m looking for a more attractive way to present all this info. Any thoughts? Please e-mail susan@susanpiver.com.

Grateful for input!

I hung out with my friend Chris Flett today. Chris is an executive coach who only works with women. He recently published a book, “What Men Don’t Tell Women About Business.” I love Chris and I only wish for his success. When I heard that Newsweek slammed the book pretty hard, I felt so bad. This is his first book!! Totally vulnerable!!

Well there was no need to worry. Here’s what he said about it, via his Facebook update: “Christopher is ticking off Newsweek.” Where I would have been crawling under a rock, he was seeing the bad review as an indication of his power. Word up, my friend. I learned something valuable from you.

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i KNEW it was right to talk about my feelings all the time…And now it has been confirmed by science…

Typically the suggestions to fight fear are based on confrontation. But this doesn’t always work, especially for women. Actually, men too.

Here are three alternatives to “fight or flight” that you may not have thought of.

1. Hang out with your friends.
It’s no accident that you feel better after a long chat with your best friend. Connecting with others is a road to fearlessness for women. Recent research by Dr. Laura Klein at UCLA is showing that the traditional defense mechanisms—fight or flight—don’t always apply to women. The UCLA study suggests that when a woman experiences stress, signals in the brain urge her to reach out to those she loves. “In fact,” says Dr. Klein, “it seems that when the hormone oxytocin is released as part of the stress responses in a woman, it buffers the ‘fight or flight’ response and encourages her to tend children and gather with other women instead. When she actually engages in this tending or befriending, studies suggest that more oxytocin is released, which further counters stress and produces a calming effect.”

2. Freak Out.
Ever wonder why you feel better after a good cry? It’s because pretending you’re not afraid doesn’t work. It’s when you acknowledge your true feelings that real courage starts. It may sound strange, but you can actually set aside time for getting upset. When you feel yourself about to be overwhelmed by your emotions, set your alarm for 10 minutes and during that time, drop all the stories you’re telling yourself about your fear (it’s my fault…their fault…life is over…I’ll never be happy again…) and instead let the tears flow or the anger rage. When the alarm goes off, stop.
3. Help someone else who has the same problem.
When you get upset over a broken relationship or a lost promotion, you probably have a friend who is experiencing the same thing. Call her to see how she’s doing and, without going into your own problems, really open up and listen to hers. You’ll be amazed at how helping her with her problems solves yours.

Hanging out with girlfriends, crying a lot, and helping others: 3 solutions to fear that I can really get with.

“Never accept responsibility without authority.”

I thought that to move to the “next level,” I had to take on more responsibility. I didn’t pay so much attention to who actually had the authority to make decisions about these responsibilities. Power (or whatever you want to call it) comes from more authority, not more responsibility.

So now I work in a room by myself which makes the whole thing a lot easier. (Most of the time.)