Category — wisdom of a broken heart

Scheduled to appear on CBS Early show tomorrow (Jan 5) sometime between 8a & 9a to talk about heartbreak and how to deal with it. I think Maggie Rodriguez is doing the interview. Will try to post link to video. Wish me luck…

Different people create different shrines in their homes. A shrine can help anchor a contemplative practice. Here is a pic of mine. Post a pic of yours!

Appearing in the current issue of the fabulous, wonderful, beloved Shambhala Sun. (They are having an amazing auction next week. Check it out.)

An excerpt from my upcoming book, The Wisdom of a Broken Heart, out in January, 2010. What do you think of these ideas about having a heart? You know I love hearing from you… And why not? After all, you’re YOU.

One way to think of all these tears is as a flood of love. Liberated from its object, love now flows freely, powerfully, mercilessly, as rain, as sorrow, and as longing. When your heart is broken, it is broken open and in some sense your limitations in love have been removed. All the love you had for a particular person is still there but instead of attaching to an object, it floats freely. It is groundless and without reference point. Through one lens, this is a supremely painful situation. It is. But through another, it is something else. I won’t say that this something else is pleasurable, but it is real. It is real and raw and very deep and even if you don’t want it to be this way (you’d rather your love had an object), it is. And now that you’re here, up to your neck with love unbound, you could try to do something with it. Because although it doesn’t feel good, it is very, very precious. In fact it is wild and deep and basically unmanageable. This is your heart. Freed of the containment of relationship, it roars. You didn’t know all this energy and intensity was in there to begin with. What you thought was a cute little kitty-cat you now see has been a ferocious mountain lion all along.

Now available for pre-order! Go on! It will mean the world to me!!

I’m getting very excited about the upcoming (January) publication of my next book. Here is an excerpt from the introduction that will give you an idea of its intention and flavor.

I would love to hear what you think I could offer on my site (discussion boards? guided meditations? free boxes of kleenex with a purchase?) that would help people coping with heartbreak.

I would love to hear your personal story of heartbreak.
First 10 stories win a free autographed copy!

More than anything, personal stories help others to heal.

So if you can, please post it in the comments section. Talk about what happened. Talk about about how you felt. Talk about what helped, what didn’t, and how you feel now. It doesn’t have to be a super redemptive story about how everything in your life is now perfect. (Although it can be!)

Just speak from your heart.

If you don’t know how to begin, start with these questions. Cut and paste this into the comments section and fill in the blanks. If you don’t know how to answer a particular question, just skip it for now. Email me if you have any questions or concerns about posting.

1. My break up occurred _______ days/months/years ago and since that time, my primary emotions have been _______, _______, and  _______ .
2. The last time I felt feelings such as these was when  _______. What I notice when I compare these two experiences is  _______.
3. The thing that has been the most difficult for me since this relationship ended is  _______.
4. When I think about our break-up, the thought or thoughts that plagues me over and over is/are  _______.
5. I feel the pain of this loss most acutely when I  _______.
6. What I miss most about our relationship is  _______.
7. What I don’t miss about our relationship is  _______.
8. The thing I regret most is  _______.
9. The unforeseen benefit of this break up is  _______.
10. If I could take him/her back right now, I would/would not and here’s why: _______.
11. The most important thing others need to know about healing a broken heart is  _______.

Without further ado, here is the excerpt.

© Susan Piver 2010

Final cover, title, subtitle, bound galley copy, ISBN code, blurbs…

“Susan Piver expresses in a wise and funny way that even heartbreak can become an awakening experience.” Sakyong Mipham Rinpoche, author of Ruling Your World and Turning the Mind into an Ally

THE WISDOM OF A BROKEN HEART:
An Uncommon Guide to Healing, Insight, and Love

January 2010
Free Press
Self-help
5 1/2 x 8 7/16, 224 pages
ISBN: 978-1-4165-9315-7
$23.00 / $29.99 in Canada

The New York Times bestselling author of The Hard Questions looks at the hardest part of a relationship—heartbreak—and provides a practical, steadying, compassionate plan for emerging a stronger, braver, spiritually transformed person.

he heart that is broken has been broken open,” writes Susan Piver. “When my heart was broken, it changed my life. From this most painful experience came the ability to find and appreciate lasting love.” The anguish and disappointment of a broken heart is devastating and overwhelming, but as Susan Piver reveals in The Wisdom of a Broken Heart, it can also create an opportunity for genuine spiritual transformation, paradoxically leaving one both stronger and softer—and capable of loving even more deeply than before.

Filled with on-the-spot practices, exercises, funny stories, meditations, exercises, and down-to-earth, practical advice on how to cope with day-to-day miseries, The Wisdom of a Broken Heart offers a priceless prescription of solace and encouragement, wisdom and humor. Like an infinitely patient, trusted friend, it tells its readers in a thousand different ways the most important thing to remember and the easiest to forget: “You’re going to be okay.”

Susan Piver’s bestselling books include The Hard Questions: 100 Essential Questions to Ask Before You Say ‘I Do,’ and the award-winning How Not to Be Afraid of Your Own Life. A graduate of a Buddhist seminary, she wrote the relationships column for Body & Soul magazine and is a frequent guest on network television, including The Oprah Winfrey Show, Today, and The Tyra Banks Show. She lives in Boston.

“I wish I had this book to comfort and inspire me during my divorce. Susan’s writing soothes at the same time it illuminates – reading this book, my heart grew three sizes bigger. I have never read anything more helpful or wise about heartbreak. You may find yourself laughing out loud; you will certainly find yourself feeling hope again.” Jennifer Louden, author of The Woman’s Comfort Book and The Life Organizer

“Susan Piver’s new book helps turn the pain of a breakup into a deeper understanding of intimacy. She shows you how relate to your broken heart with consciousness and acceptance to find comfort, clarity, and balance, even when they seem impossible. After reading this book, you’ll know beyond a doubt that you can love again, bigger and better than ever before.” Gay Hendricks, Ph.D., Author of The Big Leap, co-author, with Dr. Kathlyn Hendricks, of Conscious Loving

“Piver has managed to perform an extraordinary task, namely, inspire a person to want to love again. She knows how to repair the shattered soul, using her personal experience as well as the wisdom of great saints, poets, and cultural elders.” Caroline Myss, author of Anatomy of the Spirit and Entering the Castle

“This is a wonderful book. Full of wisdom, humanity and humor. And it abounds with helpful exercises to turn pain into wisdom. It is helpful even if you are not (right now) sick with disappointment, betrayal or heartache.” Natalie Goldberg, author of Old Friend from Far Away and Writing Down the Bones

“Susan Piver is an ideal guide for anyone suffering from a broken heart.  Spiritually deep, funny and utterly practical, she reveals how this near universal experience can become a gateway to living and loving more fully.” Tara Brach, Author of Radical Acceptance

“The Wisdom of a Broken Heart is an achingly, beautiful, transparent window into the softest part of us, helping us make friends with the deepest part of our soul. Yet, as always, Piver, leads us from brokenness to openness without our hardly noticing. This book is a gift to anyone who knows there is some juicy aliveness at the bottom of pain and wants a way to feel whole again.” Mark Hyman, M.D., Author of Ultrawellness

“Quite beautiful, a natural read for healing. Many do not realize how much more painful divorce, the betrayal of the heart, can be than even the loss of death. Susan has done a fine job displaying how the heart’s intention can convert pain to growth, how we give birth to ourselves again and again, how we find succor from the ‘gift in the wound’”. Stephen and Ondrea Levine, Authors of Who Dies? and Embracing the Beloved

“Susan Piver understands body-wrenching, gut-busting, brain-whacking heartbreak like no one else. Even better, she writes about the power of romantic devastation with such immediacy and truthfulness that, when she offers the necessary tools for recovery and transcendence, you believe her utterly. I’d follow her advice anywhere!” Belleruth Naparstek LISW, Author of Invisible Heroes: Survivors of Trauma and How They Heal and creator of the Health Journeys guided imagery audio series.

“Straight to the heart and from the heart, Susan Piver is your best friend and wisest guide.  The Wisdom of a Broken Heart is a roadmap for how to deal with all the feelings of loss, disappointment, and betrayal.  Clear, accessible, this book is for everyone.” Josh Baran, Author/Editor of The Tao of Now: Daily Wisdom from Mystics, Sages, Poets, and Saints and contributing editor to Tricycle magazine.

“Susan Piver’s book makes the mending of a broken heart into a transformative journey, guiding us toward reclaiming our center and entering into the sacred space of forgiveness.” Allyson and Alex Grey, Visionary artists

“The body has an innate ability to recover from injury, and so does the heart. Through spiritual insights and practices, Susan Piver’s new book walks you through the healing process.” Andrew Weil, M.D.

TABLE OF CONTENTS

Introduction
Exercise:  Making Friends with Heartbreak

Part One: Relax
Chapter One: How the Light Gets In
Chapter Two: Nothing Happens
Exercise: What is Going On Around Here?
Chapter Three: Depression vs. Sadness
Exercise: Include Others
Chapter Four: Completely Uncool
Exercise: Question Your Reality
Chapter Five: It is a Dark Night
Exercise: Finding Friends in the Dark
Chapter Six: Making Friends with Heartbreak
Exercise: 90-Second Clarity Exercise
Chapter Seven: Yes, You Have Lost Your Mind (But it’s Okay.)
Chapter Eight: How to Meditate
Chapter Nine: If You Accept Pain, It Cannot Hurt You
Exercise: Flashes of Meditation
Chapter Ten: Sex Might Help
Chapter Eleven: Have Faith

Part Two: See Where You Are
Chapter Twelve: Betrayal
Exercise: It Never Lasts Long
Chapter Thirteen: Of the Four Responses, One is Helpful
Chapter Fourteen: Act Like a Queen
Chapter Fifteen: Give Your Demons a Dinner Party
Chapter Sixteen: Expect Jeannie
Chapter Seventeen: Become Wrathful
Chapter Eighteen: Intensify to Let Go
Exercise: Intensify, Intensify…Let GO
Chapter Nineteen: Trump This
Chapter Twenty: Mirrors
Chapter Twenty-One: “I Forgive You”
Chapter Twenty-Two: Really Unhelpful Things
Chapter Twenty-Three: Really Untrue Things
Chapter Twenty-Four: Intimacy is Always There

Part Three: Be Where You Are
Chapter Twenty-Five: A Luminous Journey
Chapter Twenty-Six: Authenticity
Chapter Twenty-Seven: The Meaning of All These Tears
Chapter Twenty-Eight: One Sorry-Ass Bodhisattva
Chapter Twenty-Nine: Tears and Awakening
Chapter Thirty: The Practice of Loving Kindness
Chapter Thirty-One: Loving Kindness and the One who Broke Your Heart
Chapter Thirty-Two: Turning Off the Projector

Part Four: Broken Hearted to Wholehearted, A 7-Day Program

Afterword

Appendix: Resources

Wow. The Wisdom of a Broken Heart is getting the most gratifying endorsements. I’m thrilled. No, beyond thrilled…

“I wish I had this book to comfort and inspire me during my divorce. Susan’s writing soothes at the same time it illuminates – reading this book, my heart grew three sizes bigger. I have never read anything more helpful or wise about heartbreak. You may find yourself laughing out loud; you will certainly find yourself feeling hope again.” Jennifer Louden, author of The Woman’s Comfort Book and The Life Organizer

“Susan Piver’s new book helps turn the pain of a breakup into a deeper understanding of intimacy. She shows you how relate to your broken heart with consciousness and acceptance to find comfort, clarity, and balance, even when they seem impossible. After reading this book, you’ll know beyond a doubt that you can love again, bigger and better than ever before.” Gay Hendricks, Ph.D., Author of The Big Leap, co-author, with Dr. Kathlyn Hendricks, of Conscious Loving

“Susan Piver understands body-wrenching, gut-busting, brain-whacking heartbreak like no one else. Even better, she writes about the power of romantic devastation with such immediacy and truthfulness that, when she offers the necessary tools for recovery and transcendence, you believe her utterly. I’d follow her advice anywhere!” Belleruth Naparstek LISW, Author of Invisible Heroes: Survivors of Trauma and How They Heal and creator of the Health Journeys guided imagery audio series.

“The body has an innate ability to recover from injury, and so does the heart. Through spiritual insights and practices, Susan Piver’s new book walks you through the healing process.” Andrew Weil, M.D.

“Piver has managed to perform an extraordinary task, namely, inspire a person to want to love again. She knows how to repair the shattered soul, using her personal experience as well as the wisdom of great saints, poets, and cultural elders.” Caroline Myss, author of Anatomy of the Spirit and Entering the Castle

“This is a wonderful book. Full of wisdom, humanity and humor. And it abounds with helpful exercises to turn pain into wisdom. It is helpful even if you are not (right now) sick with disappointment, betrayal or heartache.” Natalie Goldberg, author of Old Friend from Far Away and Writing Down the Bones

What is the kind of response a writer dreams about after submitting a revised manuscript, post-editorial feedback round one? It would contain even more helpful suggestions and end like this:

“But these are fairly minor things that you can easily fix, Susan. Really, you’ve done a terrific job. This is going to help SO MANY readers. Bravo!”

27 words that suddenly make the crazy-making effort to write a book completely worthwhile.

Plus I’ll get a check.

What more can I ask?! I’m just so happy. Thank you, Editor Leslie at Simon & Schuster, thank you and I’m so in love with you right now.

My new book, The Wisdom of a Broken Heart, is due out January, 2010. It has a chapter about meditation and this is it!

Meditation creates the conditions for transforming pain into wisdom and not to mention, it can quell the 24/7 antics of a freaked-out mind. Meditation cultivates tranquility, joy, vitality, and love and helps you work with difficult emotions such as terror, rage, and despair. By cultivation, I don’t mean gimmicks, I mean it creates inner transformation that gives rise to your own, god-given, birthright-grade qualities of inner peace and relaxation. These things are still there inside you. (They really, really are.) And sitting meditation is the foundational practice that re-awakens these qualities. Far more than a stress-reduction technique, meditation is the ground of peace and joy.

I’m going to teach you a meditation practice called “The Practice of Tranquility.” Tranquility is not something that descends on you when you’re able to get the circumstances just right: perfect job, perfect house, perfect relationship, perfect weight. Tranquility is your natural mind state—it is the state to which you were born and the mind knows how to return there if you just allow it. No matter how shaken up you are, within you is the knowledge of how, very naturally, to return to balance.

Have you ever seen a newborn baby burst into tears? It doesn’t look very tranquil. But at some point, the storm passes and the tranquil state is reestablished. There is no residue. The baby who was red-faced and squealing moments ago is now smiling and playing peacefully in his crib. This isn’t a trick. The baby isn’t rationalizing away his pain or pretending to be over it so you won’t worry about him. The upset is simply gone and his mind returns whence it came: peace. Your mind can do this too and The Practice of Tranquility can show you how.

This practice is ancient—over 2500 years old—and although it is associated with Buddhism, there is nothing particularly religious about it. It is simply the practice of resting your awareness on your breath and, every time attention strays, bringing it back.

Your mind already knows how to do this. It is always resting on something—usually it is on thoughts based in hope or fear, the past or the future. When you begin to notice your thinking, you’ll see that it is rarely focused on the present. Even if you try to stay in the present, you find that you keep slipping into some kind of worry or expectation or judgment. The mind is always commenting on something. In meditation, you practice consciously placing your attention on an object of your choosing instead of allowing it to gallop all over creation. It is not an easy practice necessarily, but it is a very simple one and there is no need to adopt any foreign point of view or belief system. I’m going to give you detailed instruction below and if you wish, you can visit my website for guided audio instruction here.

Instructions for The Practice of Tranquility
Find a comfortable place to sit. If you can sit on a meditation cushion, that’s great. If this is too uncomfortable for any reason, it’s fine to sit on a chair. It’s helpful to designate a particular spot for meditation, so, if possible, choose a particular room or corner of a room to establish your practice. Make your sitting area pleasant. If you wish, you could sit in front of a shelf or table with some cherished or beautiful objects on them, like fresh flowers, some river stones, or a picture of someone or something you love. Keep it simple. The idea is to create a spot that you feel good about returning to.

There are three aspects to pay attention to in meditation practice.

Body
The practice begins with how you take your seat. Meditation posture is actually quite specific. The main thing to remember is to sit up straight, not rigidly, but in a relaxed, upright position. You could feel that as your sit bones reach down into the earth, the crown of your head reaches slightly up, as if some kind and gentle person had put his palm a few centimeters above it and you would like to touch it. I like to use the analogy of a tree, whose roots are planted in the ground, but that also sways and moves with the wind. In this way, your posture should be firmly planted but also supple. When you sit upright like this, you are proclaiming your dignity.

If you are seated on a cushion, cross your legs loosely in front of you. Some people prefer to have their knees lower than the hips, some higher. Play around and see which one works for you. Some people feel most comfortable with only a very thin cushion to elevate their hips, others require a cushion that is one or two feet high. You may have to experiment with cushion heights to find the right setup for yourself.

If you are on a chair, scoot forward so that your back is not resting on anything and your feet are flat on the floor. For most people who meditate sitting in a chair, it’s nice to have the knees a little higher than your hips. To accomplish this, you may need to put a cushion under your feet.

When you’ve found a comfortable posture, place your hands, palms down, just above your knees or at mid-thigh. Let your shoulders and belly relax.

Tuck your chin a little bit to bring some length to the back of the neck. Your mouth should be closed with the lips slightly parted, tongue resting on the roof of the mouth. Let the jaw relax.

In this practice, the eyes remain open. The gaze is soft and cast slightly down, to a spot about six to eight feet in front of you. It’s not like you’re staring at that spot or at anything in particular, more like vision is streaming out from your eyes and mixing with space instead of targeting anything in particular. Although they are open, your eyes are relaxed with the sense that they are sitting back in their sockets, as opposed to straining forward, which is how it usually feels. It doesn’t matter what your gaze comes to rest on, just let it settle on a spot six to eight feet in front.

Breath
Once you have established your posture (which is the most complicated part!), begin to notice the rise and fall of your breath, in and out through the nose. Each breath is different. Can you tell how? There is no need to breathe in any particular way, just allow attention to ride the breath like waves in the ocean.

Placing awareness on the breath is different from thinking about the breath. Here is a simple demonstration of what is meant by placement of attention. Without moving or looking, right now allow your awareness to settle around your right big toe. Allow yourself simply to become conscious of that little piggy. Notice if it feels squished or snug in your sock, or if you can feel the air around it. Now, also without moving or looking, move your awareness to your left ear lobe. Again, just notice it hanging out there in space. Maybe it’s adorned with an earring, perhaps it’s covered by your hair. Now move awareness back to the right big toe. Up to the left ear lobe.

Whatever just moved is your attention and that is what you place on your breath. So go ahead and do that, with a light touch.

Mind
At some point, you may notice that your attention has drifted away from the breath and become absorbed in thought. That is absolutely no problem, none whatsoever. Often, I hear people say things like, “I tried to meditate but I couldn’t stop thinking! There’s no way I can do it.” Well of course you can’t. Trying to stop thinking is like telling your nose not to smell anything. It can’t help it, that’s just what a nose does. This is what trying not to think is like. So instead of trying not to think, in meditation you develop a different relationship to your thoughts. When thoughts arise, you simply notice them and allow them to float by. Keep your attention on your breath. When a particular thought absconds with your attention, as soon as you notice this, just return to it. It doesn’t matter how long you’ve been “gone.” The important thing is to come back. Gently let the thought ease away like a wave eases back into the ocean. It doesn’t matter how wonderful, horrendous, boring, creative, or critically insightful your thought has been. Just let go.

When it comes to thoughts, instead of becoming absorbed in them, notice them as you would clouds in the sky. Just like clouds, some thoughts are cheerful and bright while some seem to bear ominous portent. Some are fat and fluffy and beautiful and others are barely perceptible beyond a far-off streak of white. Sometimes clouds block the sky altogether, but you know that just beyond them, the sun is always shining, clear and bright. The meditation researcher and practitioner Jon Kabat-Zinn says that in meditation practice, instead of identifying with the clouds, we identify ourselves as the sky. The sky doesn’t care what kind of clouds pass through or how long they stay. And, just like the sky, we can hold it all and know that no matter what direction we happen to be facing, somewhere it always east and somewhere the sun is always rising.

When you have established your body, breath, and mind in the practice of meditation, try to sit for around 10 minutes per day. It’s better to sit for a short period every day than a longer period on some days. Consistency is more important than duration.

Most people like to sit in the morning, but you may be a night owl and prefer to sit when you get home in the evening. The best time to practice is the time that you will stick with, so choose a particular time slot and try to make it a routine.

At some point, you may feel like increasing your meditation time and, please, go ahead and do so. Just don’t make it a race or try to prove anything to yourself. Take it very slowly. A good plan is to try ten minutes a day for a month. At the end of that month, decide whether you want to continue with ten-minute sessions, stop altogether, or increase the time. If you want to increase, do so by small increments, say, five minutes. Then, after a month of sitting for fifteen minutes, you can make a decision about where to go from there.

I want to mention something extremely important at this point, so listen up. If you find that you want to make meditation an ongoing part of your life, please find a meditation instructor. Working with your own mind can seem like trying to get your eyeball to look at itself and it can get very odd and confusing. It’s vital to find someone who has been practicing for longer than you and who can offer you practical guidance. In the Shambhala tradition, people are trained to be meditation instructors just as I have been and the service is free; all you have to do is show up at a local center and request one. You could also visit your local Zen or Vipassana center and find support there. The only important thing is to go somewhere credible, meaning a place that is affiliated with a lineage that has been around for, say, several thousand years. Stay away from new age nonsense. (See the appendix for a list of meditation resources, including meditation centers.)

***
When suffering a loss, the contents of your heart are like the sparkles inside a snow globe. All day long, your thoughts shake the globe furiously and the little flakes swirl and swirl. The only way to settle the situation is not by willing the flakes to settle or looking away and hoping that when you look back, things will have changed—but to simply put the globe down. Meditation creates the stable surface on which it can rest. It will then settle on its own. Watch while one by one, each flake slowly drifts to the surface and melts away until all that is left is clarity and stillness and you can now see exactly where you are.

The Indian philosopher J. Krishnamurti said, “when you begin to notice what you are without trying to change it, what you are begins to undergo transformation.” Through the simple act of noticing, you will transform heartbreak into wisdom.