Among the many difficulties that come with a breakup, the worst may be when the person who broke up with you will not discuss it and may even cut off contact altogether. I have one friend who was talking about marriage one day, and the next, literally, could not get her to take his calls. Eventually, he got a letter saying it was over and she refused to talk to him ever again. What the?! Or one person thinks everything is fine when, out of the blue, her partner comes home, says it’s over, she’s moving out, and does not want to talk about it. I get emails from people who have been broken up with by email, text, and, in Sex and the City style, by post-it. This is not an urban legend. It really happens.

When the break up is communicated in one of these ways, you can be sure the person breaking up is not interested in much more conversation. No one knows why.

When someone leaves you like this, you are simply—and understandably—in shock. It just feels impossibly stressful and anxiety producing. You think you are now stuck with a gaping wound that will never close because the only way to close it is to hash it out in relationship.  And that’s not an option.

You’ll have to figure out a way to create closure on your own. [Read more →]

Recently appeared in Huffington Post…

By now, many of us have heard of the extraordinary, scientifically proven health benefits of meditation. It relieves stress (by lowering cortisol), improves focus and memory (by raising the level of gamma waves), prevents relapse into depression by 50 percent (according to studies by Jon Kabat-Zinn, M.D. and Zindel Segal, Ph.D.), boosts immunity (in one study, meditators demonstrated higher levels of antibodies than non-meditators in reaction to a vaccination), and actually makes you demonstrably happier (by reducing activation in the amygdala and increasing it in the prefrontal cortex).

My friend Jonathan Foust says if it were a drug, meditation would be heralded as the miracle of the century.

So, you might think to yourself, those are fantastic reasons to meditate. Well, actually–no.

Ahem, you might then ask, If I’m not supposed to meditate to feel better, why on earth would I do it?

I was hoping you’d ask that. I definitely have an answer for you. In fact, I have three. But do NOT take my word for it. Test it all out for yourself. This is very important. (And let me know what happens!) [Read more →]

(Photo: Vanessa Pike-Russell’s Flickr photostream)

When your heart is broken or you’re otherwise dealing with strong painful emotions, the idea of feeling genuine loving kindness for anyone can seem far-fetched, much less yourself or the one who broke your heart. Loving kindness is soft and gentle, but your heart feels cold and numb or enflamed with rage—not loving at all. You may feel so unlovable and needy and freaked out that if you could shut your heart down and turn off emotion altogether, it would be a blessing. Love is the enemy. Love stinks.

So if I tell you that you still possess the most profound, elegant, indestructible well of love imaginable, you might not believe me. If I tell you that the solution for your heartache is not to seal up your heart, but to open it further, that might sound dangerous. And if I further told you that your capacity for love has never been greater and the cure for your broken heart is to offer that love to your ex, you would definitely tell me I’m crazy.

It’s possible. But hear me out. I want to offer you the practice of loving kindness as the healing balm you need. You could try it yourself and see.

The Buddhist practice of Loving Kindness (metta in Pali and maitri in Sanskrit) has been in use for over 2500 years. The story is that some monks were sent by the Buddha to meditate in a particular forest. As soon as they got their meditation gear (I guess you could call it that) settled, certain tree spirits began to harass them by making scary noises, emitting an awful stench, and generally causing commotion. I sort of picture it like trying to meditate while fifty 10-year olds bang pots and pans while farting. One can only imagine. [Read more →]

I and Twitter pals Hiro Boga (@hiroboga), Mahala Mazerov (@luminousheart), and Jennifer Louden (@jenlouden) all wrote on the same topic today: The process of writing.

For a kaleidoscopic view of this issue (storytelling vs truth telling), check them out.
Hiro Boga: Tsunamis in the House of Wholeness
Jennifer Louden: How to Be a Writer Who Loves the Gap
Mahala Mazerov: When Stories Hurt

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You do not need to leave your room. Remain sitting at your table and listen. Do not even listen, simply wait. Do not even wait, be quiet, still and solitary. The world will freely offer itself to you to be unmasked, it has no choice, it will roll in ecstasy at your feet. ~Franz Kafka

Right now, I’m in the beautiful Colorado Rockies, teaching a meditation retreat for writers. We spend most of the day writing, interspersed by periods of sitting meditation. In the first practice, our aim is to find our voice, say something, tell a story. In the latter, the encouragement is to let go of “story” completely and instead focus on the breath, which is always in the present moment.

How can a practice that is all about story go hand-in-hand with one that is about dropping it?

On the face of it, these seem like opposites. However, they are so alike as to be almost identical.  Here is why I say that: [Read more →]

This post first appeared on the Huffington Post. Check it out for all the cool, wacky, sweet comments.

Meditation has been getting a very good rap lately. Very good. Scientists have proven that it actually makes you happier. It is included in mental health programs. It is being taught at gyms, schools and in the workplace. It has stopped being associated with gurus, swamis, or anyone who wears robes to work. Somehow it has become acceptable and not scary. This is wonderful. But it has also made for some misconceptions.

I’ve been practicing meditation for 15 years and my main knowledge of these misconceptions comes from holding them myself and refusing to let them go because they just seemed so … convenient.

I’ve also been teaching meditation for four years. Between my own pigheadedness and that of my students, I’ve had ample opportunity to observe these misconceptions from close range.

There seem to be three primary ones. [Read more →]

There are some things I’m good at, if I do say so myself. I know about generosity. I know from patience. I know how to try really, really hard. I’m devoted to the search for wisdom.  However there is one skill that I truly suck at and, without it, all these other good qualities are considerably weaker than they could be. That skill?

Discipline.

Readers of my blog may be aware of an experiment I conducted about a year or so ago called “The Great Discipline Experiment” or GDE, in which I took all the things I KNOW I want to (and should) do—meditate, journal, write, exercise, drink a lot of water, answer all my emails, eat healthy, take vitamins, spend time focused on those I love—and tried to do them. Every day. Period.  For a month. I had become sick of being all “I need to take better care of myself” and “I must write Every Single Day” and “Susan, you are WASTING YOUR LIFE. Get with it.”

I should have been able to do this, right? I mean, these are things I want to do, should do, must do in this life. They are non-negotiable. [Read more →]

Am planning to create an unabridged audio book of “The Wisdom of a Broken Heart.” I’m going to record and edit it myself and I’m really excited about it. I see it as a chance to add some of the insights and stories I’ve garnered in the 4 months since the book was published.

I’m also going to include “extras,” such as the following:

Meditation instruction for The Practice of Tranquility

Loving kindness meditation instruction

Loving kindness meditation instruction for the one who broke your heart

Interview excerpts

As a bonus, I’ll include a 5-minute video of me giving additional tips for starting the 7-Day Rescue & Relief program. It requires a certain mindset and I want to go into some detail about how to prepare mentally.

Is there anything else you’d like to see included? I’d love to know!!

Thanks so much for all your support–

xo Susan

It often happens that I wake up completely devoid of self-confidence. I have no idea when or why this is going to happen. It drives me mad. I sit down to write and some inner Miss Thing tells me I have nothing of interest to say. I want to call a friend but Miss Things says, oh she has no interest in talking to you. I want to ask a colleague to collaborate with me on something and she pops up with Ha! He is busy with way more interesting people and would have to find a nice way to blow you off. Uncomfortable. Better go back to playing online solitaire. Trolling Ebay for the perfect whatever. Rechecking email for the 11ty thousandth time. I procrastinate. I fight with myself. I develop many theories for why I lack confidence and which strategy to employ to combat it.

Then I remember something very important. I’m a Buddhist. I know exactly what to do, and it has nothing to do with self-analysis or strategizing, although at the right time (meaning a time I feel confident), such things can be enormously fruitful.  But my practice has taught me to do something else instead, and that something is quite radical, almost un-American. [Read more →]